Real time

I have been having a really hard time lately. I been moody, easily angered, and distant at work and with the ppl I work with. Things like that really really bother me. I love being happy and I feel like I am expected to be happy. And when I'm not happy everyone around me seems to join my pity party with me. And in thinking about why I'm so miserable to be around lately I had revelation a few days ago on my hiking trail. I am open and honest and real with ham. He gets who I am, but camp doesn't. Now that I have an outlet of real me it bothers me and my mood that I am not always real Becky! I don't know yet how to be real me here but it needs to come out. I need to figure out how and what that needs to look and feel like with ppl I don't fully trust.

 Speaking of trust. Ham has entrusted me with real details of who he is with me. I made a rule with myself after our first coffee that he gets real Becky, there's no point to this at all if I am fake. I halfly mentioned that a few times in our conversations. But spelt it out a few days ago to him that he gets the real me. Nothing else, and even established being real as a rule for our relationship. Me saying that I believe, has changed things. Not that he was faking before, but he has been laying all his cards down with me. The good, the bad and the ugly. I knew that he had crap in his life from the beginning, but it surprised me how he has been so transparent with me in it. Overall, him being open and honest with me doesn't phase me of what he is sharing, I see him transformed by Christ. But it's a little overwhelming to me how much he respects me to share that with me and be transparent with big real hard stuff. And how in the world does one react to big stuff. What words are to be said??

I feel so blessed, I need show how I'm blessed by putting my selfishness aside and learn how to love and be real with the fellow team members here at camp and serve them well.