Skip is Coming Home

Skip is moving back to the United States.

Really soon. In less than a months time.

Part of me is excited. But fear has overtaken me with this news.

Today we Celebrate Easter

Holidays are just different when you are a single adult living away from your family. Today is Easter, the last place that I want to be is at church. Everyone dressed to the T's. Families are abundant and apparent with all the cute couple and family pictures being taken. Being in that setting is just one big fat reminder that I don't fit into that world.
I feel like I have offended lots of people, feel like many are worried about my faith, but I am not going to church today. Instead, I am going to stay home.

Getting Encouragement When You Really Need It.

On Monday, while I was at work, I started a very emo blog post about my worth at the workplace. I struggle a lot in what I am doing and if I should even be doing what I do. Do I qualify, do I need to quit because I am so terrible at what I do.

I had to delete my post; it was a little too emo for me. Clicking the delete button was a symbolic motion for me to throw away these negative thoughts. I needed to make myself move forward and get the things done that I could do on my own (I had a lot of decisions that I needed my manager's approval )

Writing from the heart

I believe that most bloggers read a lot of other people's blogs. It is part of the blogging world, you write for others, you read for others. That hasn't been the case for me at all. I actually, intentionally, do not read blogs very often because it taints my writing experience. I feel the need to have my blog like the other blogs and not exactly what I need it to be. I get sucked into this comparison trap.

I do have one exception though, Mandy Hale's "The Single Women" blog. I read it before I was a blogger and always felt encourage by Mandy, but never I never felt the pressure to make myself look like her. Her writing style makes me inspired by her, but in a way that I am comfortable to be completely myself still.

Feeling Good Even With Other's Good News

This weekend, I have seen a lot of people announce a big change in their life on social media. Quitting jobs, moving, getting engaged, got married, and having a baby.

Our lives are always surrounded by these things, especially if you are Facebook friends with the 20 something crowd, but this weekend seemed to have an extra amount of life change announcements.

The first two announcements that caught my eye were people moving.

Feeling Excessive With Online Shopping.

I feel like I have been a crazy online shopper, like I need to buy something every second. But also, feel discontent at myself for the desire to have things. I also want to get rid of everything and be a minimalist. I feel like I only do and use very little things in life... why do I feel this need to have more?

I think online shopping makes you more aware of where your money is going and what you are buying.

Envious love

I have been really behind in watching the Bachelor. I am watching Monday's episode right now; it is Thursday.

Jojo is coming out of the helicopter and walking towards Ben seeing if she was going to be engaged or not. She says, "I have seen other people's relationships, and I have been so envious of what they have, and now I am at a place with Ben where now other people will be envious of our love." (close paraphrase, I can never actually get a perfect quote down)

hmmm... I think this is a moment when a little too much honesty came out on the Bachelor.

Complete and Full Surrender

This past weekend we had a man show up to camp a few hours early for his check-in. He was so excited to be here.

Megan in our front office and I were talking small talk with him. I asked him how long he has been going to their church and he told me the most amazing story.

Thoughtless Questions Hurt

Not everything that we do is easy. In fact, there are a lot of really hard things.There are hard tasks that we can't take the shortcut to and need to just do it the hard way for a high-quality product.

I overheard a husband and wife argue today. She was asking him very accusing questions of why he spent so much time on a particular task at work when he could do it "this easy way." He answered over and over again with different responses, but they all said this "It needs to be a high-quality product, the shortcuts that you are giving me with make it sub par product."

I am not a fan of the asking accusing questions towards a person who is working at making things great.

The Struggles Of Always Seeking

Yesterday was my last day in #theweektoseek.

I thought it was going to end differently, as in felt like it had an ending. But it didn't. It felt like any other day.

I knew that I didn't want #theweektoseek to be a one-time thing. I want my whole life to be about seeking the Lord, but this week was very specific. I did get answers, I got an overwhelming teaching on a single word, "Obedience" --obedience isn't specific, not at all. But I feel like I know how to be obedient more than when I first notice the theme that the Lord was giving me.

Meetings, Self Diagnosis, Thyroids and Crying

Today I sat in a meeting that was silent for at least 30 minutes.

I don't know if you have ever experienced that. It is really the worst. We had a logistic problem in front of us and didn't have a way to figure it out. So, we sat. in. silence.

We kinda came up with a solution. It may work. But I am so done and over having to problem solve an building that is 3 months past its' completion date. It takes so much out of me. It is so exhausting, and that is not the only thing going on, I have about 40 other moving pieces going on at the same time. I have people annoyed that I don't get back to their emails/phone calls. I sometimes am unable to get back to people for days.

Be your real self.

My mom is pretty amazing. I was talking to her the other night on the phone-- we were talking about her emotions. She has less than most people. My mom has this amazing ability to not be jealous of people. I sometimes joke about how my mom made me insensitive to people's feelings because her feelings are so hard to hurt. She never feels jealous of people. She doesn't feel left out.

From Anger To Skip, --A Mind Jump Night.

Just now I was getting ready for bed, I was very upset. I let the arrogant words of the brand new program hire get to me. In his exit of my house, he managed to stay that the entire purpose of my job is nothing, not like the program that he is about to do.

As I took out my contacts, and brushed my teeth, I was so angry about the situation. It really really really bothers me when people do not see rental retreats as ministry, when they insult the purpose and mission of it.--It is my heart.

While I was washing my face, my mind jumped. Back to the days of living in Denver.

It matters what I do with it. #theweektoseek

My heart seems to be pounding more than it normally does. I finally started Sunday's sermon. It is Thursday, I am a few days late, but I realized I wasn't ready to hear this on Sunday. This wouldn't of impacted me the same way as it does now.
Sunday afternoon is when I started my #theweektoseek. This is everything that I needed to hear--post Sunday morning. It is in incredible how that works out.

There are things in our journey of following Christ that don't make sense to us, that is how the sermon started. Pastor Chris was talking about the Israelite's as they fled Egypt they listened to God and circled back. They made camp in a place were they were most vulnerable.

The Week To Seek

I named this week long journey I am on-- it is #theweektoseek

I am taking this week and seeking after answers from the Lord what is my next step in the pursuit of love. Where should my mind, actions and thoughts be on Becky's relationship status, and what do I need to do with it.

This type of challenge is hard. I have never done anything quite like this before.

I am not really scared, but instead unsure of how to do it.

I want to the Lord to speak/show me his intentions this week. I want to feel secure in what he has to say.

I know that the Lord doesn't need me to put Him on a timeline, and doesn't need to give me an answer in the next 7 days. I know what the Lord has said before. I know I shouldn't doubt his word. But so many things have changed, the biggest of which is my emotions.

I had two encounters with scripture today that stood out to me. It almost seemed like a whisper.
Here they are:

Giving up Avoiding

It has been 2 1/2 months since my world was rocked from a Facebook post.

For years, I felt confident that I was to marry Skip. Seeing him announce to the world of his new girlfriend seemed to change everything inside of me. I went from feeling hopeful to stupid. I immediate sought the Lord in this. But I stopped. After a week, I put all my feelings to the back of my mind. I didn't pray about it, I didn't think about it. I knew I had feelings there but I avoided them.

Faking on How You Are Doing.

Do you ever get lost in your thoughts, and you really feel not okay, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I am struggling with, deciding if my feelings are real, making a plan of action to change the situation, and pondering if you are able to do that plan of action?

I am often get that way, I get sad, and angry. But when a person walks though that office door, I have this power to pull it all together. I put a big smile on my face, I become cheerful and happy. I always reply "I'm great!" when they ask me how I am doing. I do everything in my power to convince them that I am great, and I am here to help them with whatever they need. And I do feel great when I am with them. I make myself feel whatever I am telling them that I feel.

Not Going to Church

I am working on having real conversations with my boss without losing it and crying in them. Today, I failed at that goal.

I didn't even mean to have a serious conversation with him. I was telling him how my view of the church has changed from being at camp. Then he asked me how many times I have gone to church in the last month -which I have gone zero times. Then he started to badger me why I haven't gone to church in the past month. I was pretty quiet, I gave really vague answers that don't really mean anything. He finally said, "I see, so you aren't going to tell me huh"

I can not, not share if you say that to me.

So I said,

Why Jesus Is The Only Way To Be Saved

I LOVE going to sleep listening to podcasts! It is truly the best. 

Earlier this week, I went to sleep listening to the North Coast sermon from February 6, 2016. Sleeping through most of it often I try to catch up with the rest in the morning. The next morning, I happen to wake up extra early at 5:00 am, and caught this very brief but significant section of the sermon between my snoozes. (The 35 minute mark to end)

It took me a while to find this section  to re-listen. Today, I went back and wrote down the highlights, it is just too significant not to keep it fresh. 

Fun Comes From the Seasons of the Unknown

What makes life fun?

I have been thinking about that in the back of my since I was writing my post last night. There are always fun events in our lives, what what makes those certain seasons of our lives, fun seasons?

This morning while I was sitting on my back porch reading, this line came to me. This line answered the question, What makes life fun?

"Tackling  the unknown with people who are just as scared as you"

This made so much sense to me. I always have had so much fun in a seasons of my  life when everything in front of me is new, and I am doing the new things with people who have never done it before as well.

I LOVED my freshman year of college: I went to a brand new place, figured out a brand new system of education, lived with new people and had those people to navigate those new adventures with. Every year new things were in front of us to accomplish. Every year there was a fear of the unknown. You just had to be brave and make it through it, and the process of doing that is so incredibility fun. That is basically the scenario of the year after college (a lot of my college friends spread across the country and I basically had to make a bunch of new friends for this year) And the year of my first internship.

Then life comes along. I stopped starting new adventures and became grounded. I was in places where I was limited in peers, a place where I felt comfortable. I often fear the unknown where I am at, but the unknown isn't normally in front of me, it is something that I have to pursue. Outside of my irrational fear of living in the state of California, my life is very very secure. I have a very secure job, my job provides me with a house, pretty good pay, insurance, I get to walk to work everyday. It is a very safe place to be.