Jumbo-up, bedtime thoughts

I often have these moments before bed where I feel like I need to blog because there are lots of significant things going on, or things I'm thinking about or things that are shaping into the person I am becoming. But, since I didn't process it in the moment I end up laying on my bed feeling jumbo up in my head because all of these things are bundling up on each other... I'm having that moment right now. I actually get it often, but instead of writing anything or processing it, I decide to forget it and watch Dick Van Dyke show and fall asleep. 

I reconnected with an old friend this week. He wished me happy birthday on Facebook and that started a chain of lots of long conversations. He is about to do some really cool yet risky things with his career. I was the first non-family member that he told about it. I feel incredibly honored and excited to see where this journey takes him. 

I feel like I am getting dull in my faith, like I don't feel a need to actually trust God in anything. Only if I pretend to it will all work out. And I have become passive and don't want to put in the work for faith to know and grow in that relationship. I often get in this boat. It's awful. I need to get out fast before I have long-term consequences for this lazy and stupid pit-fall. 

I don't know what my immediate future is going to look like. And I am really fearful that I'm wasting away my life. I just turned 28, I feel like my life needs to look different if I'm going to bethis old. How do I move forward and get this going? 

I hear all these stories if people taking risks and being very inventive and doing something big, and in that they develop all these skills and become worthy of being a star of a documentary, have a Wikipedia page about you, or even being in books/writing books. But I don't take risks. What do I need to do to be something more than I am right now? I feel like I'm very stuck in a unhealthy way. 

Mostly,  I want to buy really cute earrings from forever 21, shoes from tieks(the cool ballet flats that cost almost $200 a pair), Paula's choice face care products and all the home decor things I like from tj maxx and target. But I'm on a budget, so both the $2.80 earrings and the $175.00 flats are out if the question. Which makes me want them all the more! 

Small groups are booking for camp. We have 3 in December right now and I booked 3 groups for jan 1-may31TODAY! I hope the trend of me being overwhelmed with the number of inquiries and bookings continue. I really want to have a strong spring and summer for 2015!------ I am preparing myself to leave this place, why am I so excited about a victory that I don't want to be around to see. Why is it when I think about the future of camp I'm all in and so exciting for it, yet experiencing the here and now makes me want to flee. 

I'm messed up. 

I missing being really young and really concerned about doing a fun thing each moment of my life. And having plenty of time to do everything thinking that 28 was old. Out of reach, old, and now, here I'm am.