And in that process, my eyes suddenly want to burst out in tears and my face makes that fake smile motion--the face where you looking like you are trying to appear happy; but the whole room knows you are seconds away from bursting in tears.
And the whole reason why is that:
I have no feeling of self-worth.
Right here, right now my life is pointless. I'm not close to my family, I barely have any friends. I'm not impacting lives the way I should be. I'm old and single. I don't have much going for me. My birthday is coming up soon, and noone is going to be around for me to celebrate with, and that really really bothers me, like intense-crying--bothers me. I have no one in my life who is close enough to me to celebrate another year of my life. I am so insignificant that I will just be by myself (well working all by myself, because I have no life and everyone else does) If I got married, I would only have a few dozen people to invite to that event. Of that, I think only a forth would come, almost all would have to travel because I don't live close to anyone, nor do my people live close to each other.
I googled "what is your worth" and I didn't really get any answers that helped.
I don't know how to help it, in the here and now. That's why I want to run, flee somewhere where I can have significance. Be significant.
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