A quick summary of where these waves have brought me...so far

I have been thinking a lot about my story lately and where I have been, where I am going, and that there is so much significance on this journey of traveling from point A to point B. 

In June 2011, I was sitting on top of a Zipline crying my eyes out, asking God why I was at this camp that I hated, what to do with all these 20 year olds who had really messed up views of who God is and teaches kids their messed up ways and God responds with, "you are going to marry Skip"-- very off subject, has nothing to do with anything of the issues that was in front of me. It was clearly God's voice, it was his perfect timing. He spoke this truth to me in the manner that I have so far heard best from him. 

I was young in 2011, it wasn't that far away from a time when Skip was actually apart of my life. We saw each other on a very regular basis in 2009, we skyped some in 2010. We were friends. 

Time went by, I held on to that promise that God clearly told me on that Zipline. I didn't know how to handle it, it was true, but how do I live and work and be apart of that truth in everyday life? When I read great stories in the Bible about waiting in faith, they fly by the waiting part so fast. What does it actually look like to wait? 

Praying for Skip and this was tough, I already knew what God was doing, I knew that us coming together is completely impossible without The Lord and that HE was going to make it be. So what do you say? What do you say everyday? I felt like I was just coming to The Lord with fluff, I felt like there was no reason to pray, God already told me the plan I just needed to wait for it to happen

I really felt different because God spoke to me. I felt like I was becoming this very charismatic person. I felt like no one would understand me if I told them what God said to me. I left like people would say I'm wrong, and that God wouldn't do that and make me question even more than I already was. 

Time went on and on... Skip didn't come into my life, in fact, he was leaving my life. We no longer talked, he was dating a girl, going out and doing all these fabulous things in his life. 

Time goes on, and almost to the two year mark on waiting for The Lord in this, I start to rethink my ways. Now let's quick talk about 2 years. It's actually a really really long time. Freshman become juniors in two years, you experience over 700 days in that span.

I went from summer staff, to being in leadership at this camp, working new retreats, building relationships, volunteering at a youth group, overcoming working with a guy I daily thought about murdering. Then summer came. Most days I worked from7:00am-10:00pm, the stress and intensity of my job was straining, yet amazing, and admidst this chaos, I needed to figure out what was next, my job ended mid-August. After a huge journey, I ended up here, on top of a mountain in California, working at a camp that had more problems than I knew what to do with. This paragraph seems like it goes on forever, and it is only some of the highlights I went through in that two years. Two years is a long time. 

The winter of 2013, I started to really question God with Skip. Not questioning if it was true, but questioning if I wanted to follow this crazy plan still that God had me on. Thesethoughts were in the back of mind, I didn't explore them too much-- that is scary.

  While walking to work during one week, I daily heard God say, "connect with Zach to connect with Ham." And after 3-4 days of hearing this, I finally realized that God was speaking this to me. So I did it, I connected with Zach, learned that Ham was near me and connected with him. We went out to coffee, I told him all about my journey with Skip up to that point, I told him about my doubts of waiting on The Lord. I wanted Ham to just be my friend. Even though Ham and I never technically dated, I know I did not keep him in the friend zone, and that our relationship was heading a little bit into serious. 

I think my favorite thing about my relationship with Ham is that nothing within our relationship was "sinful" we weren't crossing physical boundaries, our conversations weren't taboo, everything in it was wholesome. But it was clearly a sin in my life, not by what it was or resulted in, but because I shifted my mindset and was not living my life the specific way God told me to do. Things ended with Ham, but my mindset stayed the same. 

I was in this limbo land where I knew that making my love life my own was wrong and couldn't get myself to act in disobedience, but also couldn't get myself to surrender to what God wanted it to look like. This entire mindset change lasted for about a year, but it was so settle and slow that I didn't see it, not really, I knew that I was kinda struggling with this but didn't know that it was effecting everything in me. 

I got really mad about something one week. And I was done with this mountain. I made plans to go and do something new. I was talking to one of my best friends about it and she interrupted me so she could say this to me, "can I tell you something becky? You have changed, the words you are saying don't sound like you, the Becky I know has a special relationship with the Holy Spirit and I have notice recently that you don't talk about what He is doing in your life. I want you to figure out what changed" 

Well it came clear as day to me moments after getting off the phone with her, that what changed was my mindset in following God in his promise with Skip. That mind-shift changed everything in my life. It seemed like no huge deal while it happened--it had no effect on the physical side of my life, my life didn't look any different,yet, it really destroyed my pursuit of The Lord. He was silent that entire year, and I never took the time to ponder why that was. 

That day was a turning point for me. I was back on the Skip bag-wagon. And I started to regain my relationship in The Lord. I begin to realize it had nothing to actually do with Skip, but instead all in my trust with The Lord and this faith journey he had me on, he wants to do the impossible in my life. 

Things have changed, and I know they will continue to change as The Lord continues to grow and shape and teach me. 

I pray differently now, i think prayer is different than I did before. The book, Experiencing God,made me realize how special it is that God speaks to me and I know His voice. I used to think it was really really weird and hoped that it never happened again, now I cherish the words God says. 

The biggest take home I have from this semester of Bible studies is that I shouldn't waste this waiting period, and that I should use it to learn more aboutGod  and what he is wanting to do in my life. He told me the end goal--I don't need to pray that he will do it--and that actually prayer isn't ever about the end result no matter if The Lord told us it or not. Prayer is all about having a relationship with The Lord, and knowing him more, we just use the things going on in our lives to make that connection with him. 

Nothing was happened or occurred with me and skip for a long time. And that is okay. Lots of things are developing with The Lord and the promise of Skip came from Him, not skip, so I need to be first loyal to our relationship and grow it more and let Skip happen when God is ready for us to happen. 

Until then, I need to keep growing and becoming the woman the lord wants me to be. Keep coming and hearing where I am at on that, I will keep us both posted on that here on this blog.