What is that view? Promiseland or just a escape location?

There's a job opening in this beautiful area, 12 miles from the beach, a 7 minute drive from trader joes, and in an amazing climate. It's still in the mountains, but I think this mountain location is so different than mine. Instead of working directly with guest groups, I would assist the executive director. That seems oh so much less stressful. The camp seems well-establish. When I talk about it, and listen to my own words come out of my mouth, it makes no sense why I haven't applied for this job. But I just can't get myself to move forward. 

This past week has been so hard for me. I just want to talk away and quit. I feel so alone and unsupported in my role. I feel like I owe people for convincing them to serve guests. I feel like I can't keep up and do the job that I need to do. I talked to my boss last week. And though talking to him always makes me feel better, it doesn't change anything. Nothing comes from these conversations, and a few days or week in right back in the place I felt before the conversation. 

With no dramatic change from all the conversations and situations, it has not only been wearing on me, but also my boss himself. He hasn't been the same, he in fact has been really not okay for about two weeks now. I think the stress of camp is getting to him. 

 I demand a lot from him, I am the only office staff that works with guest groups directly outside of him. When I am not working, he has to. And I think both he and his wife are getting mad at me for this, and I am mad back because I want help from someone who is fully focused on helping me, not one who has the full responsibility of running camp. 

Whenever I talk to my boss about needing help, the conversation always goes these two ways. 1. Asking if I need to step down from the position because I can't handle it and 2. My boss offering to stress himself more and assist in a way that is not practical and one that actually makes my life more stressful because I don't trust that the job will actually be completed. 

In writing this post, I think I am done, this is not a good work environment. This isn't a place that I want to be at. Why am I here? 

I am here because I move all the time and I need to stay somewhere. I don't want to be the typical millennial and run when it's hard, I would feel like a jerk to my boss-- he has no one really on his team, and outside of my feelings I listed above, we get along really really well. The logistics and expense of moving scare me. I don't think my car would make it. I own more than my car could handle, it would take so much effort and work to get this move together, and I don't know if I could finically or mentally afford it. 

I have been really angry lately, and my prayer life has suffered greatly because of that. In all of these feelings and reasons, I need to not respond with them, but go to The Lord in prayer. If I am to leave or to take a step in the direction of leaving by applying for this job. I need to pray make it clear to me that this is a direction to move it, if I am to stay that that will also be clear. 

I'm a mess of feelings, and I lost my work keys (I have a hunch of where that are, I hope they are there)  which makes me a little crazy. Pray for me, pray for clarity in all of this.