Happy 4th of July

1 year ago today, I received word that my roommate/coordinator was going to be removed from her position, and that my current boss was going to take over and have me assist in the process. 

This was a big day in my life BIG DAY! And now a full year around has come, and so much has changed within my job. There was so much stress in this transition, it's right in the middle of summer, I had my old job and current to do, and had to create a whole new system because the old one wasn't working. I didn't get actually promoted until December, but it basically became my role a year ago. 

My job is still stressful. I can't say that it is any more now, but there are added stresses at having a year (almost) under your belt. Pressures to maintain and increase revenue for the year. To never make mistakes. To be on top of everything going on right now, for the next year and last few months all at once, and to not mix it up. Pressures to remember each person you meet and remember how everything was done the last retreat. 

I just came off of a really stressful/detail intense week camp. It's been giving me anxiety for months. And I have been making so many mistakes because I couldn't handle all the details going on with it. That's really hard. I am thankful that so many ppl helped me out. But  I feel like a huge failure. 

Our fall numbers are down, and my boss is really really stressed about it. And the more he talks about how we need more people, the more and more I feel like a failure. I can't keep the numbers alive. I am the reason that camp is doing finically poor. 

I haven't been doing well with pressure lately. If you read any of my blogs in the past two months, you may predict I'm near an emotional breakdown. And well, I might be.

 I might get fired soon, I may lose my chance to keep being in this role if I can't get my numbers up. I was in hot water for a long time about this summer....Though, I think in the end we had more campers this summer than last, or at least it was close. 

I don't think I'm as good as a worker as I think I am. There's a lot of things I need to work on. There's a lot of things I'm behind on in life and unable to do, many of them I think are because I don't work hard enough. 

I'm really struggling. I need help, but I don't know all what I'm struggling with. I think it's more than just failure to work hard, in fact I think this failure is the effect of something else going on in my life. 

How do you move out and on from this place? I feel so trapped!