Instantly I wasn't okay, but I was at work, so I held it all together externally. But I had all these thoughts: not being good enough, not being pretty enough, not being adventurous enough, feeling foolish for waiting all this time, feeling hurt.
But in the midst of all of this, I had zero ill feelings towards Skip, but an overwhelming about of self doubt, and utter confusion of what was to come next. Confusion of how to move forward in this promise, confusion of what is next in my relationship with God,
Was I wrong this whole time?
Am a fool into holding on to something that I just dreamed up and had no way of moving forward?
What do I do now?
My boss and his wife are both out of town. I texted my boss asking if he would give me some advice when he got back. Though I wasn't intending on telling him, I ended up telling him why I needed advice.
I intended to tell his wife first, but it just didn't happen that way. (which I feel bad about)
Thankfully she texted me right while I was walking home from work. I told her all my feeling and how I was struggling so much. Below is one of her responses. Its nothing greatly profound or something that I haven't hear before. But the timing of these words touched my heart. I needed them spoken to me in that moment. I love how she told me to be honest with the Lord. I love how I am allowed to put all my feeling out there to Him.
So 2 days ago (the day before all of this went down) I was listening to a sermon on Exodus. Moses didn't want to lead the people. He used all these things to prevent himself from leading the people. But the Lord made it clear that he needed to do it. Them Moses' throws out there that he isn't eloquent in speech. The Lord replies with that he will take care it--He controls the mouth. Moses replies by saying "please send someone else" The Lord anger burned against Moses. (and he sent Aaron)
That terrifies me!
I am afraid of being so afraid that the Lord has anger burning against me. I am afraid of not doing what I think I should be doing so that the Lord will be angry with me.
I love how my boss's wife told me that this isn't just on me, its both of us. I have no idea what the Lord has told Skip. no idea. Him having a girl friend doesn't mean its over for me (but when you are almost 30 and announce to the Facebook world you have a girlfriend it's probs pretty serious) But him having a girlfriend doesn't mean that my faithfulness to God in this is invalid (even though I have all the emotions coming out of me saying that it is) It means I need to keep trusting the Lord and following Him where he leads me.
Really, my biggest fear that the Lord will be silent towards me. I am terrified in that.
I am sure that you realize by now that I am a little fragile today, if you read about my eggs stuck in the pan, you know that almost anything can break me right now. Though, I feel so weak, I strangely feel strong. Though I am alone physically, I can tell that the Lord is with me. That I have this core strength inside of me that is Him helping me in this journey. I can't hear the Lord, but I can feel him. Though I don't understand it. I know that the holy spirit is within me helping me right now.
Lord thank you for being in me and being my strength. Lord help me to see what is in front of me, even when I don't know how to see it myself. Lord I ask you to speak and confirm what I need to do now and next. be my guide through this entire journey as you have been.
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