Stuck

I'm having one of those days where I really need to cry. I'm internally having a pity party, but this pity party doesn't make sense even to me. So it's stuck inside of me. Doing everything I can to stuff it so even I can't see it. And in the process of stuffing, I don't even know what "it" is. It sucks. 

A guy who I don't trust at all was given the opportunity to be in training for a office manager job at work. This has been really really hard for me. He is wanting to be my boss, has no idea what he is doing, so I have to train him. And I don't trust him at all. 

This has really really screwed me up. I am  SO stress by it. I don't feel like I know how to have him help me. He eats up so much of my treasure working time, and gives me this anxiety that has been eating away at me. 

One of my dear friends told me that I need to pray about it, and to ask God to change my heart, because he(my co-worker) isn't going to change. 

I don't think I can do that. I don't think I am willing to change how I feel. I don't want to give him things that I need to trust him, because he has burned me in the past.   I just want him out of my life. I realize my feelings are wrong. But they are so true. 

I've been looking at other jobs, and though there are some goods ones, I don't feel right or ready to apply for them.   Even though I'm all messed up, I don't think my time is up for where I am right now. That, or I'm too scared to move.. 

I need to work on my prayer life. Frankly I'm scared if prayer these days. I don't understand it necessary, I'm not open to being that open with God right now. I don't think I'm good enough to be one of those ppl who are really close to The Lord. 

I just feel stuck..., 

Okay, I just finished writing this and the last sentence I wrote struck me deep. I just finished a bible study that was called stuck by Jennie Allen. So I pulled it out, looked at the table of contents residing which chapter describes my stuck moment the best. 

I went with scared...

It was the right choice. I just looked through the chapter trying to find the life changing quite to add next to my line of photos. I didn't find one, nor should I think like that. But in looking over the chapter, I see I have two choices. To dwell on being scared and let it get out of control. Or be in faith and surrender it to The Lord. 

The obvious answer of course is number 2. But that seems too hard... Is it really that harmful to be stuffing this pain deep inside? Will it really spin out of control? Is there a 3rd option that is easy and brings emotional stableness? 

This last picture is what I saw hanging up on the chapel wall as I walked by after dinner tonight. It hit me hard. I had to go back and take a pic of it. Having my faith be bigger than my fears is huge! I wish that my fears didn't trump my faith right now.