Prayer and Bible reading

Being a Christian is simple and complex all mixed in one. It's simple, love God, follow him, and love people. But to do that it seems like it suddenly gets complex. There's a list of things you need to do, list of things you can't do. And in that mix you can't become legalistic, overly charismatic, and your heart needs to be in the right place. 

In this simple/complex mess. I think I have developed my own complex with the Bible. I'm afraid to face it on my own. There are so many pastors, experts, wise people who can read the bible and get all of this great wisdom and insight out of it. And teach that knowledge in a very practical, life impacting way.

 I open up the book and read some words and often feel confused, wondering how long I have to read this, to still be a "good Christian" but not being "legalistic" in my faith. I don't always walk away confused, sometimes I get God in the reading his word. I see and remember his faithfulness. And that is good. 

But often, I doubt myself, I feel like I can't think on my own. Pastors see and help us get us on a right path of thinking that I feel I can't do on my own. So I don't even try. I just influence my life with podcasts and preachers that seem wise and good and replace them with personal Bible reading and prayer. 

No one recommends doing that. You always hear "be in the word" "spend time in the bible" "be a daily reader" "spend time in prayer"  never "simply listen to ppl, who read the bible and let their opinion of it change your life."

So, I have gone from kinda/sorta being a Bible reading/praying Christian to someone who doesn't have that in my life at all, but still wanting my actions and thoughts be glorifying to God.  

It's crazy how you get in this place. And I have been really struggling with this spot. 

On Sunday, I went out hiking and I decided enough is enough. And that I'm am becoming drown in my sin of disobedience and pride and that I needed to give up my okayness of being distant with God.

I decided that I want to focus 1 hour a day on prayer and reading the Bible this week. Which is hard. Really hard! It's now Thursday , and I don't think I have been 100% successful yet. But I want to personally be close to The Lord and though this is stretching me, it's good for me. I am learning in the process. 

My life hasn't radically changed, but I know it will if I continue to be vulnerable and willing to have God my focus.

Next thought: 

My feelings were really hurt yesterday. Today I learned that the person who hurt them feels bad in what they did and is going to come to me and apologize. My feelings were REALLY hurt, and honestly, I'm not ready to forgive. Because my act of forgiving excuses it, and they can come around and do the same thing to me next week. By definition of forgiving that isn't true. And I become a jerk if I don't accept the apology, so I have no choice. But it's hard. Really hard. 

Well I've committed to an hour, and haven't started yet, better get going and on it! Night y'all.