Is home really my home

Today I was in my boss's office working on some budgety things. As we were talking we drifted off subject and he asked me if I would be opening to moving.---I have been counting down the months for my roommate to leave camp, just painted half our house. Now there is a potiental of  having to move on the horizon???--- So that a pregnant couple--my new manager actually, can have our house???

I didn't immediately freak out, but then I learned where I would most likely be moving to-- a studio apartment in the center of camp that is slightly larger than my current bedroom that has a huge mouse problem. I was told that it would be remodeled and fixed up, but even still I don't want to live on top of a mountain like that. I don't want my bedroom to be in my kitchen and be in my living room. I wouldn't have a yard at all, I could never be outside. I love being outside. I love being outside by myself.

This conversation brought all of my insecurities to the surface. I hate that I am almost 30 and single, and I hate it all the more because it means that I can be shoved to live in really terrible places.

I hate that I feel so unsafe in where I am. Not unsafe as I think I am about to be harmed, but unsafe that I don't have someone will truly help me if I am harmed.

I want my life to change so much. I don't want to feel like I am about to throw-up when someone mentions that valentines day is coming up (its 6 months away and I feel no hope that I will have Skip in my life to love by then)

What in the world am I doing with my life? Am I even in an adult stage of life? I got passed up for a promotion, I am not brave at all. I can't even say things that I need to say.

What is the worst about it, is I don't know how to fix it.  At all...

Today while I was blending a smoothie, I had this thought " what if I feel so lost right now is that I have spent so long NOT pursuing and listening to God" "what if He has been wanting to direct me a different direction, but I haven't hear Him, because I have been intentionally not seeking Him or letting Him work in my life?"

That is a real and big thought-- I have been in Becky survival for a while. Today I was praying out loud in a camp leadership meeting and after I finished I realized I wasn't praying to God at all, I was just talking about things that are out of my control and going on around me to a person that wasn't in the room. I was "praying" because that is the culture and situation I was in, not because I wanted to pursue and have a conversation with the God who created me and everything and gives me salvation and freedom from my sins. I have really become a Christ-follower is is only kinda on path--who isn't seeking and having God be Lord of my life, that is really scary.

What is happening to me? What do I do now?

I of course know what to do, get myself aligned and right with God, but how do I actually do that? I have drifted to far out, I can only barely see the boat that I need to be in.

I need to start paddling though, my arms can't do it on their own, but I know that the Lord helps these arms get strength in the course.