I suck

I hurt a close friend of mine the other day. She wasn't in the room, I asked one of my guy friends if he would date her. Not even seriously, because he has told me many times he isn't into me or her. 

I hurt my friends feelings serverly. I didn't even know it until tonight, she was acting funny, but I thought it was due to a headache or all the things going on this week. But it was because of mine hurtful question. 

Before I got my friends note on how I hurt her-- earlier today I was thinking about how I really don't like being around people for an extended amount of time-- it just leads to gossip and complaining and stories of the past. I don't need any of that in my life. I don't like the person I become. 

This past week, my friend Katie came to visit. I really love and appreciate her, but, when I spend lots of time with her, the worst of me comes out. I didn't see this at all when we were constantly together. I didn't actually see it at all until my boss told me that I became a completely different person once she left. I saw it some in the midst of it. I see it a lot now. 

I hate that I am such a weak person. I hate that I am not stable, I hate that small things in my life influence and change me in such a big way- and I'm not talking about just this instance, but that this is just one of the many many ways that I change and differ pending on who I am around. 

I'm a mess, I need help--major help. I am glad I have a savior that I can seek and pray to even when I am such a jerk and such a mess. Praying also allows God to open up my eyes and sees what I need to and shows me what I need to do.