Manhood

I have known for a long time that I don't want to marry someone that my dad 100% approves of, because I don't agree  with what he thinks makes a man a man. 

I have talk about it some with friends who don't know my dad or family dynamics first hand. But earlier this month, the conversation came up and I said that out loud to 2 of my aunts and my cousin. 

It's probably something I shouldn't of said. It's really harsh and mean. In fact, I shouldn't even blog about it, because this fact, will really hurt my dad to hear. 

But in saying it outloud- saying it to someone who knows and saw how I was raised, gave me this wave of freedom, it peeled a layer back of helping me understand who I am. 

From this conversation, I have played in my head of all of these reasons why I don't want my dad to approve, and what do I think about manhood, what did my upbringing teach, and what do I see it as true.

 I have been wanting to stop and write it down for over a week now, and took sometime tonight to do it. This is what I wrote: 

This morning as I was thinking about what I would write on this list, and what would be a key difference, everything about the Lord came into play. 

Everything about me looks and feels like I came from a Christian home. But the more and more I grow up, and the more and more I grow in my relationship with Christ, the more I see my upbringing as a really good veneer- so good, that I didn't even know it was artificial. 

I can't say that for sure, I truly don't know my dad's heart and know where he is with the Lord. 

This is what I do know:

•We pray before each meal and his prayer is: "Lord, bless this food to our bodies for health and strength, in Jesus name, Amen" 

•He is a trustee

• He is on the church building committee

•He has taught confirmation

•He goes yearly on a construction mission trip to a foreign country

•He volunteers labor at Bible camp 

•He always won at Bible trivia when me and my sisters played him when were growing. 

These things all sound good, they are good. But it lacks confirmation of a relationship with God. I have never heard my dad talk to me or anyone else about his relationship with God. And that may be just how he is. He keeps it to himself, and strives to show God's love by what he does. Or it could be, that he doesn't know the Lord, and just does things for Him as a hobby. 

In writing this post, it becomes painfully clear that I need to pray for my dad and pray;

•That I will be shown where my dad is with the Lord. If his relationship with the Lord is merely merits, he will get to know him and he will be His Lord and Savior. 

•That my dad will share with me his faith journey. 

I am thankful for my dad. But I want different type men in my life. I am seeing that the type of guy I was taught as a pansy or "just an naïve boy" is now what I see as a true man. 

If things stay as they are, I know that my dad is going to disapprove of Skip for me, because he will say, "he's a pansy" and "he doesn't understand what it means to be a man" which will be hard to hear from someone I love. But it will confirm so clearly to me that Skip is not actually a jackass.