The wall

I got comfortable. I became secure. I became able to do it on my own. I didn't want help, I didn't need help. I can do it myself. I felt a need to prove myself. So I did it myself.  I saw myself doing better than those around me.

This brought me to where i am stuck today. A place that though I kinda knew, never saw how deep I was on my own. I am right now numb to God. Right now my eyes where open to the deepnessof my  sin. the deception i myself in my own doing lead me down. 

My friend called me out on it. We were talking, maybe 10 minutes into the conversation she said "can  I make an observation? You talk differently than you used to. Normally, when you make decisions you talk about God's will,you haven't talked about it. I've noticed this the passed few times we talked" after some processing. She told me to think about what changed... Why am I talking differently. 

Well the above reasons are why. I can see that clearly after thinking for just a little while. The real question is. How do I conquer the thick walls I built. And know and converse with the Holy Spirit again, the way I did before. The way I did when I knew God closely. 

That's what I dreaming of. To have again a real and close relationship with God, and know and listen and believe in the Holy Spirit working in my life.