Back in that boat

So it's been quite the night. 

I figured out why I am the way I am (screwed up and distant from God)

It is because he told me something crazy, and I gave up on believing that He actually could or would do this crazy thing. Or that I even wanted it to come true. 

Any guesses of what I am talking about? If you asked me yesterday, "what in your faith is keeping you from coming closer to God" I never would come up with the right answer. 

Today, I know, it's this I let go of  believing that God told me who I was going to marry, and I moved on! I still think it is crazy that God told me this. I feel like a crazy person by having this knowledge and walking about in faith in that seems over-the-top. It's been a long while since I heard God in this. I started to doubt it right as Ham entered my life, that made it easy.I had this incredible guy in front of me, who had amazing faith in God. I see now, that I let his faith "cover" over my disobedience to God. 

When we ended, I felt numb. I was thinking it was because this incredible guy was no longer in my life. And though I am sure that had a part in it. I think mostly, it was that I gave up on the crazy part of my faith, and without this crazy faith, the rest become useless. 

In thinking about this tonight. The story of the rich young man[mark 10:17-30] came to mind (divinely).

 the young man couldn't give away all that he had. Giving everything away that you own is crazy!! He can follow the commands, he can have the heart to know more/be close. But he couldn't do the crazy. He was sad he couldn't do. 

I wonder when that rich man  left Jesus if he stayed the same? did he Continued to follow the laws, continue to almost be in the right. Or did throw in the towel and call it quits? 

I think when God spoke I was obedient, at least close enough to The Lord where I could follow. But being crazy wore on me, and I gave up. But not wanting to be a quitter I deceived myself. Enough so, that I couldn't even identify in what....yesterday. 

So as much as I hate being the crazy person. I'm glad I'm back in this boat. Because without this faith, everything  that I have in God is meaningless. 

Which makes me think "how did I survive these past months?"