lots of feelings for a few words spoken

Words are powerful. They really are powerful. 4 days ago I had a sit-down meeting with my new manager and have been a wreck ever since. I have cried more in the last 4 days than this whole year put together.  The issues addressed in the meeting were a concern of mine, but, the more and more time went by the more I became concerned about me and my reaction to the situation.

I cried a lot, a lot of lot, whenever I was alone, in the office, tears just came out of me. I didn't focus on the conversation that made me upset, but instead, I thought about my worth to camp, and made myself believe that I need to leave because I am wrong and can't do what needs to be done at this camp.

My boss is who I go to when I am over my head, but he was officiating a wedding on Saturday, and he himself was a mess about some other thing going on at camp. After 3 full hours of being this complete fear-filled mess who felt like I have gone to him too many times with very similar things that I have gone through before, I texted him. I asked him if we could meet next week and go over some things that me and the manager talked about.

My boss can't handle not knowing the conflict right away, he needs to know what is going on in real time, I texted him some of the situation and he ended up in the office about an hour after our text conversation. He was PISSED!  Thankfully, not at me, but at the things that my new manager was asking me to do.

In that moment, I felt so much better in having my hurt feelings shared. I was no longer going down this with these negative self feelings, but instead felt like my hurt feelings were acceptable because sharing my experience gave someone the same feelings that I was feeling.

I wasn't instantly better. I continued to cry was I was alone in the office (interestingly, I never cried when I was at my house, only at work) I worked the following day, Sunday, and being alone in the office after the day before, I was a mess, I didn't want to email a soul or do anything at all because I felt so hurt, so worthless. I did the easiest job ever and left early.

I got a text from my boss,

Which I answered honestly to, I sad that "Im still really upset about the conversation yesterday with my manager and I left early partly because of that and that no one was at camp" -- I got the kindest response. My boss wrote me:

That is nice. But now I'm in a big mess, I just went over my manager's head to his boss, how do I actually get this fixed without throwing myself under the bus, plus make it so that me and my new manager can actually work together in the process.

A lot happened, Monday came, the tears didn't stop rolling, I was a HUGE HUGE mess! My boss who was dealing with another big problem (there is a lot of problems where I work) but I made him cut it short because I could not get myself to sit at my desk and start doing what I needed to be doing. My boss came into my office and we talked about the situation, I cried, he looked sharply into the distance and we were silent for a long while, his was hard for him to hear, it was hard for me to share. I couldn't remember all that my manager said to me at this point, I just remembered how hurt I felt and how I so wanted to leave this place forever, simply walk out and not deal with feeling like what I am doing is wrong and hurtful to camp, when I was taught to do it this way.  This ended up being half of my day-- seating with my boss, later him and his wife-- thinking, deciding how to handle this situation and not have me a basket case.

Today came.  The 3 of us had a sit down meeting. I was mainly silent. which was good, I needed to be silent. But it was hard. really hard. I didn't even know what the specifics were being spoken about at times because I was so overwhelmed by this situation. There was lots of circle talk the same subject got talked about multiple times over. My assignment tonight was to text my boss my thoughts on the conversation. I don't really even know what they are. I kinda feel great about it, because good and big things became address, i also feel horrible about it because the heart of the matter wasn't addressed and will need to be talked about tomorrow in part 2 of this meeting and part of me still feels so unwanted, and that I cause and create all this conflict and without me in this picture or within a leadership role we wouldn't have to do these meetings or deal with these type of situations.

I have stopped and thought about it, I still do not know what I am to write to my boss, I don't know what to say even.

But after all of this I have had one consistent thought. I need to go into counseling. It is not normal to think or process conflict the way I do. FLEE shouldn't be my every thought and reaction to hard situations. I shouldn't think that me leaving the situation will magically get the situation taken care of. I have been looking at jobs, but none seem to fit  what I want, and I don't even know what I want. so now I am looking into going into counseling.