single friends, and life right now

It seems like my entire life (okay ages 15 plus) I have been in social circles where there are often lots of amazing guys, who want nothing to do with girls...at that moment, always AMAZING girls who can't get a date to save theirs lives.  Then, some time passes and all of a sudden, all of those amazing guys are married, all the amazing girls are still very VERY single and off on a new adventure.

I have very few friends, but those who mean the most to me are SO spread out in the US now! My closest friends that I have had in life now live in: Texas, Minnesota, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, New Mexico, Arkansas, Wisconsin, and Georgia. Note that each state ONLY has one friend in it. 
Of this group of girls only one is married, and she was married BEFORE we met, so basically, I feel like if you become good friends with me when you are single-you will stay single, unless of course you are a guy, then you will magically find a girl out of nowhere 6 months after we meet. 

I am glad though that I have so many AMAZING single girl friends. It helps me in this journey of life. It helps me to stay level headed when I don't understand what/how/where Skip and I are at-- because lets face it, I sound even more like a crazy person about waiting for skip at year 3 than I did at the start. 

I am really distant from having a legit personal relationship with the LORD these days. I feel like I am following these steps, I pray sometimes, I often read my Bible, I think sharing who God is, is important, but I am not close like I use to be. I don't seek after Him and expect Him to respond. I don't give Him my whole life--just enough so that people don't question my relationship with Him. 

When push came to shove, and things became hard; I would cling to the LORD. But for some reason right now, when things are relative easy- when I am "able" to do life on my own, I keep the LORD distance. 

Writing this is a little more honest than I want to be. It breaks my own heart to hear how casual I have become in my relationship with Jesus. I feel like its been so long since I have been so real and raw with God, I don't even know how to make it happen. I feel this need to learn more about God, but not as much to grow with God. 

I feel like my situation is common for Christians. It is easy for Satan to get us to this place. I feel like it is hard for people to see and call me out on the fairly terrible condition that I have become-because I can make it look like I am growing in the LORD. I can share what I am learning. In reality though, I am just becoming a student of a book written 2000 year ago that gives me head knowledge on the creator of the world. 

Its good to have that knowledge, but it becomes worthless, if we make that our priority instead of growing and knowing God. Which I think I have been doing. 
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I have been experiencing lots of overwhelming moments of anxiety at work this week. In a really big bad way. I turn to God's word- I read those 3 verses about anxiety that my concordance points me to, "cast all your anxiety on God, because he cares for" is repeated over and over in my head. I ask the LORD to take the things that are overwhelming me at the moment. Even in this, it keeps coming back. 

I keep thinking that I am not strong enough, wise enough, skilled to do my job that it has become. My boss has been really really distant for about a week now. I know that he is really really stressed about money, training managers, and figuring out how to fund raise for camp. Even though I can see that all these other things are taking place, I think that it is because I am doing a really poor job. I keep thinking I should step down so someone who is more capable can do this, someone who is very strong, wise, and skilled. 

I know what you are all thinking-- "holy cow, Becky is a mess, stop being so focus on yourself-- get your relationship with God together, and seek after HIM instead writing a really long and whiny blog that seems to be going no-where" 

And you are right in thinking that. Thanks for listening to me process this so far, know that I am taking steps forward in doing your advice. This long whiny blog helps me to pinpoint exactly HOW I am a mess. 

And on that note, I am going to I bid you goodnight. Sweet dreams.