Maybe someday

I made the decision to not move forward with the midwest job and have had so many mixed feelings about that decision. I overall don't think it was a good fit for me. But I have had many many days in the last 3 weeks where I have thought, "why am I still here" "this is so hard, why did I say no to that job?"

Because things have been really really hard. My job is so tough this past few weeks. I feel like I am playing catch-up and there will never be a hope of being to a point where I feel caught up. I may have to move at camp, to a really terrible house. I don't want to move at all. My house/home life was one of the big reasons I made my decision to stay.

Got the feeling #midwestjobinterview

"I just don't think this is right" is the thought I have had all afternoon. Everyone has been so nice to me. There hasn't been any giant red flag. The place is nice, its in a great spot in town, it's close to family, but I had this tinge of doubt all day (and before about it)

Today, I went on  a tour of possible houses that I would live in, one was okay (kinda bad, but not the worst) the second was AMAZING!!!!! AMAZING!!!! I was only 1 bedroom, super cute, had a private back yard, right at camp, but oh so slightly off camp. (and painted a different color so it didn't look like a camp house)

Quiet before the Interview #midwestjobinterview

I think in about an hour I have my official interview. This morning I spent time running (which by the way, I stink at when I go by myself, I was at 8 minutes and decided it was time to walk)

This place is beautiful! There are so many people near us, there are these awesome hiking trails within 1/2 mile of camp plus a state park plus this camp is on a Lake. I am realizing how much it is a family camp. And I really really think that is amazing! I met Amber, she is a wife of a worker here, and is a stay-at-home mom. She came to lunch and I was able to hang-out with her this afternoon. She gave me a tour. And I got to see into all of their cabins.
These cabins are AWESOME!!!! They are old, with the really cool wood floors. They have no insulation, so every wall just is wood with all of the studs showing. Most of them have cute mini kitchens.
There are some normal houses in the midst of camp houses, and overalll the space is really small, but every inch of it is cool.

Getting Settled #midwestjobinterview

I made it to camp. My connecting flight was great. I watched half of "The Intern" preparing myself for the week.

I flew into a small airport. An airport that was surrounded by farmland, I'm pretty sure that there aren't any sky scapers around, there were only really really old people on my flight. I went outside to get picked-up by 2 people I didn't know, that made me a little nervous that I was getting picked up by people I didn't know.

They pulled up in their minivan; I met Gabby and Travis. Gabby currently has the job that I am applying for; I learned a lot about them on our car ride. I really like them. They gave me some pretty good insight of things at camp. They are both leaving on good terms here and have plans to volunteer every summer for the next couple of years.

Heading out #midwestjobinterview

Packing up for a trip and heading out changes me a little bit. It isn't hard for me to do, but doing it makes me feel a little braver. It makes me feel like I can do anything because I am able to get through security with by bag, enter in a megaplex, find my flight and be in a different part of the world. Many things can happen in this process. Missed flights, snowstorms, delays, can't get through security etc. But it is something that I love to tackle. 

Today I am flying to the Midwest for a job interview. Whew, And I'm at a point where I don't know if I want this job, I don't know if I want to start over my life, I don't know if I want to move. 

Hurricane Head

Timing:

My hurricane's timing is so interesting to me. There are a lot of things happening and when they happen they seem significant.

The day that I got a response to have an interview happened while right after I had a major melt-down. I saw the email at the start of a conversation change how I do my job. After crying for 2 hours. Things are fast. But as I got off the phone with the director who wanted invited me to come out to see their camp, I remembered that at this exact time--3:00 pm on the Friday before Labor day, I got the same call with a job offer and plane ticket to come see the camp I currently work at.

About this time last year I went on a spontaneous trip to the midwest as well, only planning it a few days before I departed. This year, my manager has a brother that will be in town the same time that I am out of town. We are flying in and out on the same day---not planned at all (but made it very very easy to get a ride to the airport :))

Eye of the Hurricane

My head and life feels like 1 big giant hurricane. Everything is moving fast. Everything feels uncertain everything is coming at me at once, and I don't know how to process it at all or pretend to act normal when everything is crazy but oh so few people know about it.

I interviewed, did an assessment and am flying out to the camp I interviewed at this Wednesday. Less than a week ago I was convinced that I was such a low candidate for the job they didn't even bother to let me know.

Everything is moving so fast and I am in a constant stage of freaking out.

Hard days and setting up interviews

Last Friday, everything felt like it blew up in my face, but I was going to deal with it calmly and rationally. I faked that emotion the whole weekend, I kinda fell apart yesterday and today was the day of ALL melt-downs. Mascara running mess is what I became.

I was sitting at my desk frozen, eyes filled with water about to burst at the seams, I text my friend and ask if I can sit at her house and have a melt-down. and Boy did I have a melt-down.

Sadly, my friend is also my bosses wife, and she MADE me tell her husband all that was going on, which he was pissed to listen to. I was a mess, embarrassed that I was a mess and really wanted everything in the world to go away. Wishing that I was all set to leave this place and start my new job in the mid-west which I never heard back from.

Protect me from what is not you Lord.

Lord,

Knowing you can be scary.

You have all the power, you make all the rules, you are in complete control, and you welcome me to know you personally.
That is a lot of power and it is scary to know someone in that position.

But God, you care about me. You know me, you want a relationship with me. You want me to trust and believe in you.

I want that. I want to have this amazing relationship with you. I want your Holy Spirit to be more transparent in me than me.

Who am I going to be? #getoveryourselfbecky

What do I want to be?

Do I want to be this person who is stuck on living in a world of "what if" Do I want to be this person who doesn't like where her life is and spends her days depressed, avoiding relaity and sitting on the couch and watching tv?

Is that what I want for myself? Because that is who I have become.

OR

Do I want to be a person who pursues God and a relationship with Him no matter what the specs of my life look like?

Do I want to be a person who isn't afraid to stand up and grow in my relationship with the Lord even when I don't know what the result will mean for me.

Feeling Stuck

I am now 30 years old; I haven't heard a peep about that job in the Midwest (its been over two weeks) and I feel stuck.

I had a melt-down on Friday, I am tired of having plans fall through and retreats not going as people planned. I am tired of not having everything put together always, and I am tired of having a manager that doesn't help me when I am so desperately needing help, but expecting me to have it all put together.

I don't know how I function. I don't know how other people do this. I don't think I am very good at living how my life is set-up right now and I feel like I am in so deep here that I don't know how to go back.

Coach? 22 year-old? Any guy? #singlelife #letschangethatstatus

Saturday night I had a quick but great encounter with a coach from one of our retreat school. He was really nice and really good looking (best smile ever) AND he didn't have any rings on his left hand. As we talked in the office, it became really clear that this coach respected both his parents and grandparents, loved to travel and have adventures. He was fairly new at this school and told me of his past jobs, and I was trying to add up the years to see if he was in the right age frame for me.

I spent an embarrassing amount of time yesterday googling this guy, trying to answer two simple questions, "How old is he, and is he single" I saw his school profile, Instagram, twitter, facebook, linkedn, and random news articles to find the answer to these questions. In all my searching, I have concluded that he is 35 and single (at least the last time he posted a picture of him and a girl was in 2013, and she was celebrating 18 months with a new guy last week on her Instagram)

Tired of Limbo Land

I haven't heard anything about the job, which I think is a very bad sign. I have mostly given up hope on it, but haven't been told, "becky, your out"

I am pretty sure that nothing is going to happen, but it makes me struggle to move forward. I signed up for a 5k that's in a month, part of me questions if I will be able to participate. I wondered if I should have gotten that 12 pack of Toliet paper, or if I should have only gotten the 4 pack for the next few weeks.

Back and Forth, Up and Down

A lot has happened, but I haven't wanted to deal with it. So I have been online shopping. Watching TV, cleaning, anything from keeping me from the place of being real with things that are going on around me. 

I got a message back about that job close to my family. It sounded amazing; I filled out the application. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew that I needed to tell my boss that I was applying for a job before I submitted the application. I avoided it and avoided it and avoided it. After chickening out at the perfect moment and running out of time, I asked if I could meet with him tomorrow. 

I ended up driving my boss on a golf cart only 20 minutes after asking to meet with him. He asked me what we were meeting about, and if we could do it right now, I sheepishly replied, "I'm not ready" He then said, "are you leaving camp?" ---well---there's no avoiding it now. So as we drive through the middle of camp on the golf cart  talking about me leaving (thankfully no one was around and that our golf cart was loud, so we weren't overheard) 

Camp tours

One of my favorite things about my job is camp tours. I love when a person or a small group of people come up to camp together to see if this is the place for their next camp.

Typically my tours are with married pastors that are men and 20 years older than me.

My last two tours though were with an attractive single guy about my age. Both of the tours really felt more like a blind date than key task to my job.

Waiting for an email

I saw a job posting last week at a camp that caught my eye. It is close to family (like my sister's house is only 1.5 hours away) in the mid-west, on a beautiful lake.

I promised my boss that I wouldn't apply for another job without talking to him about it first. So, I didn't apply--instead I emailed the director a list of logistical questions about the role and what it would look like to work for this camp.

Come along side of me.

Skip is saying "I love you :)" to another girl on facebook. I feared their relationship, and obvious that it is more serious than I want to admit that it is.

Where does this leave me?

I am struggling with this. I don't know what I think. I want to move on, I want to be married to have a guy to do life with me. I have a crush on that guy I did that camp tour with a few weeks ago, do I need to pursue that?

How does this affect my relationship with God?

Being at Home (parent's house)

I have been at my parent's house for 24 hours now. Getting back from the most amazing weekend with my cousins to being with my parents. It is comfortable with them, but I am not the same person with them as I am with anyone else in my life. Today I assisted them on the construction project that they were wrapping up. Which meant I stood around a lot, not sure how to help, annoyed that they are putting me to work when I asked them to be on vacation with me this week.

I am so glad to be home; I am thinking about making this place my home again once again. (not move back in with my parents, but finding a job, community, life, in a city within a few hours of here)

I forget that being in a small town and surrounded by family, everyone is in everyone's business. I forget that my dad is obsessed with politics and talking bad about how the world is going so poorly. I forget that my parents closely resemble horders and the amount of stuff in their lives makes me want to gag a little bit, and of their stuff, a lot of it isn't useful, and it just sits in piles waiting to be used, I just want to throw it all away.

I love sitting at my family's table. I love that we use cloth napkins and that they are always on the wrong side with all 3 utensils on it. I love that my mom wants to spend time with me and will do acts of service left and right for me to feel at home. I love how safe I feel around my parents. How any problem isn't too big when they are around and that they have my back. They may be mad at me, but they will take care of me, no matter what.

I may be different here; it is a whole different world than what I live now day to day, but I love it. I kinda want to come back more than I realized. I wish I had a career aspiration here; I would need to work and make money if I move and settle back to the homeland.

weekend with cousins

Last August I went from barely knowing my cousin to falling in deep love with her and her family when they came out to California to visit me. I knew that I had to come home for a family event (with the other side of my family) and wanted so badly to make sure that I saw my cousin and her kids/husband this year.

I just got back from a great weekend with them! It was amazing! There is something special about this family! I joined them on their weekend ritual to go camping in their camper on up the lake. We packed our weekend with sunny fishing, s'mores, playing in the lake, campfires, filleting fish, 4:30 am walleye fishing, tubing, bocce ball, iPad games, it was all a blast. Everything that this family does is fun, and they are so intentional about doing real and great things together.

They are the type of people you always want to surround yourself around.

Here we go! Flying Home

(I wrote this a few days ago--lost my wi-fi at the airport, and just found it in my drafts)

This past few weeks have been a whirlwind. I got back from Seattle, got caught up as much as I could at work, and now sitting at the airport to fly home to see my family for a 11 day vacation. In the midst of this, my boss was out-of town and his parents were at camp taking care of his kids, they came back, we did a big 4th of July bash and a friend came out of town to bring her daughters to camp. Lots of people, lots of good time together, but I am so glad to be leaving. I am done with camp right now. I feel like I am mad at everyone, and everyone is mad at me and everyone else they encounter. Really, everyone is just mad and frustrated with each other and I am just glad that I get to escape that madness for (almost) 2 weeks. Here is to vacation and family fun!