Home bound

Things got better during my time at the rents! I am so thankful! I was able to see my favorite cousin. Go to the camp that I used to work at and reconnect with many dear friends and see the amazing improvements they have done to the place (it looks AMAZING!) 

This trip back to camp was good for me. They are a second family (i have many second families) and it was good to reconnect and see how much has changed since I was last there in my life. Some good, some not so good. But that is part of the process. I see that  I am putting my relationship with The Lord on the shelf.-- I can see it, it's on display, I can talk about it, and even think about it. But it's not active. It's not in the everyday part of my life. Sure it comes down a day here and there.  But I think it needs to be more like my jeans( or sweatpants) lived in, never making it to the shelf because its silly to put them away, because they are so apart of my life. 

This time away has made me miss ham a lot. The main thing I miss about him is how he made me think and view the world. He transformed my relationship with The Lord. He opened my eyes and help me see God way honestly.  I think I need him, or a new him like that in my life. ---suppose I need to get God off the shelf and surrender this with many other things to him. 

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I think as I was home longer, I made it clear that I was not okay with my dad treating me like dirt, and talking to me in really negative ways. I would walk away from conversations (only like twice, I'm not super brave) and tried to twist those negative conversations to something not trashing people. And it improved the situation greatly! That's really good!

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Right before my boss left for vacation at the beginning of December, he told me some things that I didn't quite understand until a good 5 days later. 

A guy I work with is trying to become my direct boss, in my department, and it is my role to train him on how the office works. That is fine expect that he SUCKS!! REALLY SUCKS!! He is on my list of 3 people who need to leave stat. I am mainly struggling with my current boss on this. I trust him, and I this in a way, breaks my trust in him.

 I don't understand what he is doing at all. This makes me distrust him, and I don't want that. This move doesn't make sense to me at all, I feel like he has the same or more issues with this guy than me. I have been looking for other jobs. If this decision is made to indeed have him be my boss, I really don't think I have any other choice but to leave. 

This is hard. I feel that until this move, things have been getting better and better, now this, dang, this sucks. It has been wreaking my insides for almost a month. And I don't think people can really understand my hurt in this. It's like a personal jab, that you only get. I kinda see this in movies, mean girls does this high school style, they compliment your shirt, but both people know they just jab you BIG TIME-- where outsiders think "what a nice compliment" and how do you explain their insult when it came in compliment words? It's kinda like that... 

Ps don't drink coffee on the morning that you fly, makes you pee way too much! 

Airport view!!!(from pick-up area) 

Not content

Wow, things have really changed in the past 5 hours. I am not content. I feel like I'm fearing life, not good enough to be social with people, and out of no where ridiculously missing ham and a relationship that was nothing. How does these walls hit so hard and so fast? How should I recover and become better person from this? That's what I want, I don't want to oppress my feelings and convince myself it's okay. But instead make this exactly the life I want it to be. I only get to do this once, lets live-it-up! 

Small world after all.

This summer has been a whirlwind, most days I felt overwhelmed by all that I needed to do in my new role at camp, and angry how my co-office workers had nothing to do really, but not have the ability or willingness to help with all that was overwhelming on my shoulders. Well this fall much hasn't changed on that since, though now, instead of feeling like I'm drowning, I feel like I'm swimming laps in a large body of water, looking ahead and hoping the waves die down in size.  Ham and I haven't talked at all since Iast mentioned that text conversation this summer. I am content in that. I occasionally think about him and pray for him, but mostly have a burden to pray for his little sister, a college freshman that I can't even remember her name.

This past week, we had an outdoor Ed group at camp. I wasn't involved with them at all, but I needed one of the teachers to come to the office and fill out some paperwork for a notary that drove up. Her last name was ham, but she pronounced it different than the guy I always talked about, and thought nothing more of it. One of the girls in my office REALLY connected with her. And was telling a bunch of us all that she had in common with her, and about her life. It at the time reminded me of ham, but thought nothing of it, they went to the same church thought maybe they knew each other but never asked. They left yesterday, last night I remember that how we pronounce the hams name is fictional and in a quick Facebook search discover that my co-workers new best friend is really the ham's sister-in-law. 

We have an all staff beach party tomorrow, pretty sure my co-worker invited them to join us. If they are there, I'm going to take a pic with them and text it to ham. Not sure how this would actually go down, but I've been praying since last night, that in all of this. I will get to see ham tomorrow and that we are in a place where I can greet him with a hug. 

Big news

Man oh man, I really needed to blog the other day... I tried, I was going to be real cool and tell seri everything I wanted to say while I was hiking in the woods, but alas seri doesn't work when you don't have wifi or service... So I had significant news then, and even more now... Ladies and gentlemen you are in a long a signaficant blog tonight! 

Sundays news:

Ham just stopped talking to me like 2 weeks ago... And it pissed me off, no fight, no real warning... He was just gone.. So I had a hundred different theories of why, I felt hurt in this weird way, and I decided that I needed to talk to him about it, and in this conversation I was willing to get fully honest and even let it be a little ugly. Before I texted him I went on a hike to pray about whst I was doing.  (That's where my blog fail btw) and in this I prayed for our conversation and that my words and his words and both of our hearts would be good. So I had all this build-up and then his really easy conversation with ham.. I would say too easy, but he assured me that we are good, and that his knee has made him antisocial-- there's no ifs ands or buts about it. Our relationship has changed. But I'm not cut out, and that's all I need for now. Saying that it's sounds desperate, and it is... But I don't want forever love and romance with him now. I want him to be my friend and help me feel normal and network with other normal ppl and have someone who listens that is on my side yet not always agree with me. Ham challenges me and teaches me so much about real life like no one else has. I trust him with my real identity, he is so good for me. But I have learned these past few weeks he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me, which really really makes me not want one with him!  

So in-conclusion, ham and I are good for the moment, we will see how long that lasts and def no romance.

Big news #2:

My awful boss will no longer be my boss and that the boss I really respect will take that job over, make the position amazing and hand it over to me after his time of improving it.

Umm... Yeah this is way bigger than the ham news... But I haven't fully processed it. I am terrified at failing at being guest service coordinator. I don't want to deal with all the hard stuff. My old boss and I are basically switching jobs, pretty sure I'll have to train her on campfinance-- that will be so awkward and hard!! I kinda freak out thinking about it. It's going to be really hard and stretching for me. I'm glad I have time to switch into this role, oh man... I really need to improve on my leadership skills NOW!

Also I spilt red wine on my friends whitr carpet tonight.. That really sucks!! 

Had a pity party with tears writing this post

I'm having one of those nights where I know in need to blog, but really don't want to. I don't want to think about my feelings that I'm harboring inside. I don't want to process where I'm at and what I am doing. I just want to drown my night my watching reruns of sonny with a chance and to go to sleep. But alas, I am not. 

I really fear that my life at camp may have run it's very short course. I don't think my heart is pure in this. I don't think I know or can show love the way a true camp person should. I am not ready to walk away tomorrow. But I don't want to have a cheesy camp relationship, and I really want to be married. I think I really need to be in some kind of romantic relationship this year. 

I am really really jealous of ham and his number of close real friends. I don't want to necessary be the cool kid, but I want lots and lots of friends, who are in the same life stage as me, who I can date and hang out with. I don't know how to get that or maintain that where I am but I think that would change my life. 

Ham pretty much stopped talking to me. That sucks. I really really want to know why. If he is done with me then he needs to be done. If he's not, than I need to know. I feel like I need to have faith in some part of our relationship, and I have none. I don't even know if he will ever talk to me again. He comes from a messy background- but that's no excuse-- I want to know where I stand and let my heart align with that. I think I also know that he is blowing me off for E my college roommate-- which I am deep down not okay with. If you are going to go after some other girl, could you not make it one of my best friends from college??? 

That thought hurts and bothers me a lot, and I don't even know if it's true and I'm still bothered by the last conversation  E and i had.

 Me and E didn't talk for the longest time. I would call and call her, and our last conversation hurt me-- I don't know how to fix that or handle her talking to ham all the time. I feel kicked to the curb by both but can't justify that anger. Shit-- I was the one who wanted them together in college-- it was my dream to set them up, now I'm just in the way and they are both dealing with me by cutting me out of their lives. 

What a loser i am. How insignificant I am in this world. I wish these words were just my pity party and not my reality. I'm not close to anyone anymore. I live on a.pretty isolated mountain, all of my friends have really signicant ppl in there lives and very established. And here I am. Just floating-- and doing a crappy job at that. Camp is about changing lives- but I don't even care. I see the money side. I see the crap and drama behind the scene. I am not open or let The Lord work though me. Why am I even here if I have lost my passion?? Why don't I go to a place and renew who I am and figure out how to be the person I was meant to be. 

I am scared to leave here. I don't think I would make it. I don't know how to live on my own. I think I need a husband. I wish getting one, the person I can trust and love and do life with was right there-- I need my life to be on track-- I need to bring and have significance in this world- I need to change. And get all the sticks out of my butt. I'm a mess! I have had streams of tears roll out of my eyes writing this.

Man I'm in more of a worst place than I imaged. Though its good for me to start this process- I hate how hard it is!

Went to his house

I hanged out with ham at his place today. It was good but I thought it would be a lot better. I think he didn't really know how to have me over. Like he didn't know how to entertain me or something. He was texting a lot while I was there. It really really bothered me! He was suppose to pay attention to me! And I think he was texting my college roommate E, which I have huge issues with. I wanted to set up ham and E up in college, I fear that what I have with ham is nothing and that he is just using me to get to her. My own rebuttal to myself is... You are bring ridiculous. If they are meant to be, then that's it, I need to step out of the way. Or he is just being friends with your friends, there is nothing wrong with that. But even with my self rebuttals, I don't like it. I don't like it at all. 

Ham has been very  open with me lately, yet tonight he seemed so distant. He did just injured his knee, and it wasn't like he was disengaged but not 109% like normal. He didn't flirt with me either. He didn't cuddle with me on the couch- which I really wanted him to do. In hindsight it's probs for the better. He is very OCD about cleanliness and order of things. He recently told me that he is bipolar, which out of everything scares me the most. Honestly, at this moment I don't think ham and I will end up together forever. And that makes me rely sad. I really like him and us having a romance seems good. But I think we are more different than a lasting relationship can handle. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe this is right and I'm nitpicking the details apart. I hope we have some good conversations soon. I hope we have the ability to have good conversations outside of just texting.

Man I have a crush on this kid. I think he might be clueless of that.

The hard has past... of this weekend

So I just looked at my last post and so thankful that I already told you about how needy I have been- pretty much that lasted all of saturday(it was also a hard day at work I was sleep deprived, understaffed and had tons of complaints and requests to deal with.) ham and I exchanged only a few words that afternoon, and they were very insignificant. So I woke up early Sunday morning, and I was praying he would talk to me, look at my phone, be disappointed that nothing was there then fall back asleep. This cycled happened like 6 times then I finally got up and went to lunch. After that I decided to lay in the hammock and have some God time. In that he texted me. I was bold, I asked him to hang out with me that afternoon, he agreed- then quickly retracted that when he realized his timeline didn't work with meeting up. But we texted the entire afternoon. And had real conversation, we talked about our love languages ( which are exactly the same-- and he told me his first so I know it's true) we talked about our lives biggest struggles- I told him a secret that I have never told anyone before, we laughed at our geeky loves( well just his last night) and I even was at a place where I told him he could ask me anything--- he's been an open book to me for a while. I complimented him, in a very flirty way. I also told him he has told me many words of affirmation and I was surprised that wasn't a more dominate love language-- which I felt awkward after saying that, cause I just told him he was showing me love, which was weird to talk about. Anyway it was really good, we are going to try and hang out at his house this weekend, which I am really excited about. I think I'll be way more comfortable at his house than a restaurant/coffee shop. It will be like old times.hopefully it will work out. 

In non-ham news:

I told ham I needed to be real with God, which made me be real with God. I know I need to be faithful, and I asked God to be real to me in his word because the Bible has been a place of disconnect for me lately. I have a long way to go in being fully dependent on him 100% of the time but I am glad that he has grace and will love me even when I screw up. 

Skip is applying for his visa today to be back in Europe for 2 years. He hopes to be back by July. Part of me doesn't care at all because I'm mad at how he didn't care or do anything when I stopped talking to him. I feel so done in everything skip. And I hope that is only a season because I think he does great in ministry and hope I didn't stand in the way of that. 

End of thoughts for now. Thanks for letting me review/debrief/reflect with you today!! 

Drop of thoughts

Tonight I have a few thoughts:

I need to be more passionate about God's word and spending time with him. I laid out on the hammock in my backyard attempting to read psalm 74. Last night it was read aloud to me and had auch great meaning. But tonight it just seemed to be meaningless words scrambled on a page. Why do I go through seasons like this? I don't think I have discovered how to get personal and relational with God when I'm alone with him and his book. I really really should pray about that. 

I saw a picture of skip on Facebook today. It's crazy how much my feelings have changed for him. I can't image at all liking him or being with him. It scares me a little how fast those feelings disappeared. And I still don't know what god is going to do with me and my unfaithfulness/obedience in this. Or if I'm in his will. I bet I have been distancing myself from him because I'm afraid to ask. 

I have been really needy for hams attention today, REAL NEEDY! He had a huge project at work he had to work on and didn't talk to me at work at all (except he responded to a picture I texted him---because I'm real needy today) we texted a very very limited amount tonight, and he just stopped after I asked where he was. On a normal day, I would think, " his phone died" "he didn't see my text go through" "he got distracted, really busy" but today on my needy day I think"he hates me, he sees how needy I am and pushing me away, he's bored with me..etc" I realize I'm needy and my thoughts aren't rational. And I shouldn't be pestering him. But I really really really want him to pay attention to me at this second. 

Lastly, I am annoyed that I don't know how to find other ppls blogs that are similar to this. I feel like I can't be the only anonymous blogger out there who is processing:love, God, camp, life, in real time. How the heck do you connect with people 100% randomly in this?? I don't get it!!

I really want to hear how The Lord has been shaping and growing in ham in the last month. I wish he would call me right now and ask me!  Man do I need attention right now!! I should also go to bed! Night y'all!!

Me, jealous?? Only a lot!!

So last time I hung out with ham, we were talking to my old roommate together. Then he asked me for her number. I gave it to him, and asked just last night if he has talked to her at all. He told me that he has been talking to her and then changes the subject! He brought her back in ten minutes, but he had that time gap to choose his words. It makes me really really jealous that he is talking to her. I want to be selfish and keep him all to myself. In college, I always wanted her and ham to be a couple. They were way better friends than ham and I in that season of life. They get along really well. My last conversation with my old roommate didn't go well. She was a huge negative Nancy. I didn't feel comfortable at all talking about ham with her. She had nothing good to say at all and it upset me for a couple of days. As much as I know she isn't going to come up and steal ham from under me, I fear that happening. I fear that ham is going to drop me and will pursue her. 

I don't want to be overly innocent and think that ham isn't dating anyone else in this season of ours. Here's a high chance he is. He mentions time to time doing things "with a buddy" which could be code for " date with..." And even though I know that could be happening I don't think it is. And bothers me so much less the fact that he could be actually dating other girls  than him talking to my old roommate, I have a chance trumping random girls. But I can't compete with her.. She's my friend and I have no hope of winning. 

I know I'm overreacting, that's what jealous ppl do! They probs just have debated Harry potter like he said he did and talked about me. Man, do I hope that's true. Do I hope they talk less than us!

Called that old roommate...

I called my old roommate today that ham and I talked to last night. It was hard. She told me that my best friend and direct roommate in college had a thing with ham like a year and a half ago. She made it seem like a full pledge long- distance relationship with a break-up and everything. Part of me doesn't believe this- my roommate of 4 years surely would let me. Right?! Or least not encourage me to move forward with the same guy. It really bothers me that there's a possibility that happened.it bothers me that I may be excited about a guy that one of my closest friends rejected!! I think that is the hardest part of me to swallow!! All the other crap I'm okay with- but this is hard!!! And sodang shallow of me!   As much as I struggle with this here in the moment I shouldn't let it! I think I need to see ham in the big picture. It's hard when we aren't interacting with ppl outside of us. My college roommates only know college ham. But he is a new guy now. Completely different than before, I can't let harsh words about them effect me. My my old roommate yesterday had nothing nice to say about anything or anybody- so I really should let it all go. But it's hard really dang hard. 

I think we call that a date!

Ham and I went out last night and it was so incredibly wonderful. I really like this guy. I wasn't nervous in the beginning. But as the night went on I got really nervous mixed with overjoy of such a great night. We talk a lot. But don't really get anywhere because we love to banter so much. I really respect him. He is so much cooler than me! We texted my college roommate (his college neighbor) which was fun! Also I haven't talked to her in a long while- so I haven't told her that I reconnected with ham. Not the best way to tell her. Ham and I are really fun together! I laughed so hard. He told me that I'm a safe person for him (that's huge) I think I'm holding back more than he is.which is so rare for me with guys. He went out of his way to touch me in really small ways. Grabbed my hand to point things out. Stepped on my foot when I said it was asleep. Touched my hair. It was settle, smooth, and nice that he wanted to and did so in a noncreepy way. He prayed for our meal which I did not expect. He was bold and lead our date - but also was really ensuring that I was good with his leading. I like this guy--I like him Alot!!!

Ps we hanged out for over 4 hours. We got dinner, Starbucks and went shopping for random things for him at target. And than sat in his car and talked. (Though he thought about kissing me, I could read that, but thankfully he didn't. It was not the time or place for that) 

I'm sure you will be hearing so much  about this date but this is all for now that it's 6:00 am the day after 😃

Retreat

Ham went on a retreat this past weekend. I work at camp. And though he didn't come where I work I was so excited for him. I love camp!! Great things happen when you get away and do new things and allow God to take ahold and speak to you in this nature setting. I personally had my worst day in California on Friday. I was so upset, angry, and pissed off and it was with both good friends and the people I am surrounded with at work. I texted him about it and didn't get a response. But didn't think anything of it because it was in a timeframe when he normally plays soccer. Well midnight, he responds letting me know that he is so sorry, his phone was off because he was at a retreat. Changed my day!! It brings me such joy to know that ham willingly went to camp and turned his phone off because he was at camp! That didn't last long we texted a lot of this weekend, but I loved hearing about it and in a way experience it with him even though we were off in different places. Yesterday we were talking about loneliness and when and why we feel lonely. He asked if I have been feeling lonely at camp. And I boldly answered no because we talk constantly and I have lots to look forward to lately. I love having a close friendship with ham, even though I have no idea if or where we are going. Thus far has been great!!

Settling excuses

God is God and I am not. I am thankful that God is beyond my comprehension. I am thankful that God handles and deals with all the crap in this world and I don't have that burden. God knows all and reveals to us in His timing what we need to know. At church on Sunday, my pastor talked about the crap that women conferences put in women's heads to think the men in their lives are aren't good enough spiritually and that they need to step up and be the spiritual leader of the home, etc. things like that have always made me mad, but it clicked Sunday for me. I don't like displacing blame on things that don't need blame. I don't think talking to women about the shortcoming of guys is fair. No one forced you to get married. You should know who you are committing your entire life to, and you should know them well. If you don't approve how they how God and how they are leading you, don't marry them! But instead, I feel like so many ppl settle. And then go to conferences and complain about their decision and make others doubt what they are doing that is working for them. I'm old and single. I'm not in the dating scene, I thought I was being faithful in The Lord by waiting for skip. I threw that out the window after having my mind set on that for 2 years. Now, I'm actively wanting to date a guy, who is so open and real with me, but has a past that is so counter to mine, and blew me off a few days ago. Him blowing me off hurt more than it should. It was a slow hurt, it took many hours after the fact to sink in. It proved to me that ham is very flaky, and that even though he is putting in all this effort into us via chat,text and calls. He is not committed enough to spend the FaceTime. I'm not done. I'm not throwing in the towel quite yet. But I'm moving forward with caution. I feel like this limbo land could hurt us the worst, because we aren't really giving anything a chance. We aren't open and real with each other of what our relationship means or what we want to do with it. I feel like one of us will eventually walk away and both of us will live in the land if "what ifs"  

God is big, God is bold. He is so much more than these random thoughts. 

Lord walk me through this journey in this time, let me hear your voice clearly now in this and whatever you need me to hear from you now.