I Go To Work...

I love being able to sit at my desk each day, tackle the number of emails that I get in my inbox, answer phone calls and get to glance out of my large window at the ball field where I either see campers playing or deer eating. I love the people I work with, the fun and conversations that we have. I also truly LOVE the tasks of my job. I love putting together details for people, making things organized, knowing that I am meeting a income budget that always seems to be an impossible number of campers to have on a given month.

As much as I love sitting at my desk, and love my job. There are days where my work feels heavy on my chest. Days where I feel behind on getting back to people. Days where I don't know how to respond to the requests that I get. Days where I feel burden by having to say "no" over and over again. There is really a lot of work that goes into the booking and planning of camps. It is a two way conversation, you need to read and meet the needs of the people of the other side of that email or phone call. There are conflicts. There are days where I mess up and have to tell a group really bad news. And sadly, there are even days that I have to under deliver what I have promised.

When "everyone" is getting married...

When you are single and over the age of 20, you have a pretty consistent feeling that everyone is always getting married, and you are very aware that you are not. But every once in a while it intensify's and "EVERYONE IS GETTING MARRIED" seems unbearably true.

It never is true. Most people are already married :) and no matter what, there is always a crew that is unmarried with you.

Last night and this morning I had a "EVERYONE IS GETTING MARRIED" moment. No one that I was close to was actually getting married, it was all friends of friends. But I still felt left out, behind.

I worry about my life. I am isolated on top of this mountain. Will I even have any friends to invite to a wedding when I get married? Do I need to change my life style? Does that even matter? What am I to do with my life? Am I going in the right direction?

I had a coming to Jesus conversation with Jesus today. Our relationship isn't right, I don't pursue or seek after the Lord in the way that allows me to have a real intimate relationship with him. We are more just surface friends. I hate that SO MUCH.

I want to be real with God, I want my life to be all about Him and our relationship and being obedient to what He says.

About 3.5 years ago, I had a dream camp that I was  hoping to work at. It was somewhat close to my hometown (2 hours away) was a big place with big potential and operates in a cool way. It didn't work out (I dropped out of the application process before I was rejected, but I really don't think that I would have gotten the job) And they have an opening as a office manager right now..

My heart is torn if I even want to look deeper into this job. All their staff lives offsite, meaning I would have to drive into work each day (most likely a 20 minute commute each way) and I would be working with the person who has the job I love, instead of doing the job I love.
But, this job would be at an incredible job, near family and my homeland. I would feel so much safer being so close to family here and it would be in my comfort zone.

As I write, I am confident that is not the route I should go. It does have it's appeal but deep inside I know it's not the right thing for me to do right now. That instead,I should stay where I am at, and do what I am doing here.

In the middle of writing that last paragraph, my roommate came out to the patio and we watched today's sermon from our church. It was about having our life, not about us, but about the Lord and serving Him and those around us before ourselves.

I stink at that. But, it confirmed some things for me. I don't need to leave-- because it would only make ME happy. I don't need to feel a need to be getting married, because marriage right now is only about ME.

Instead, I need to do what the Lord leads and stay intoned to that. I need to serve Him instead of thinking of myself.

Sunday in the office

I love working Sunday's at work, it's like a paid vacation most weeks. Today, like most Sundays, I get to sit at my desk in my comfy chair and listen to church with a huge workspace in front of me, and the option to push pause whenever I need to stop and reflect on what is being said. 

It's seriously the best way to do church! 

Hurt feelings

My feelings are really hurt right now-- I'm pissed in the midst of it. 

Things go to hell when my boss isn't around, he is at the dentist today-- life seems like hell. 

We have a retreat group that comes up 3 weeks apart, they do the exact same retreat each time, just with different kids. They wanted to have a fire in a trash can 3 weeks ago- they worked, we had it all set-up for them. Well it rained, they ended up not having the fire in the trash can.

This week rolls around, all of a sudden we can't do a fire in a trash can. And the group didn't do it last time (mind you-because it rained, no  reason on our end) 

Today in our weekly meeting that we had without my boss our maintence director spat at having that fire there and made it sound like it was never okay and said he wouldn't do it and was such a jack-ass about it. It doesn't make sense, and we can't just change that for no good reason. 

Then he yelled at me for not having meals on the detail sheet---

I just called my boss, I cried a lot in our conversation, and embarrassing amount of crying while I explained all of this to him. My chest even turned bright red and splotchy from crying. I really need to leave my house and go back to work, but I look pathetic, and I can burst into tears at any given second. 

 

I just asked jack and Katie to pray for me,  if you see this now, can you as well. 

I hate being sensitive!! 

Saying farewell to some dear friends

Katie, jack and baby b just left camp. I'm sad. I was the only one who cried at their good-bye. I'm really really sad. Tears keep welling up in my eyes. 

I spent all of my time at their house. I never felt like a third wheel with them. I liked everyone in their family. I went to town with them. I played with their baby. We watch tv together. Laughed together. Could be completely honest with them. 

I really love them. So sad that they are gone. And have anxiety about going on in  living on top of this mountain with out them close to help me with normal life obstacles.   

Bed bugs

I shared a dorm room with bed bugs last night. It was quite a day. I had to put many items in the dryer that I normally wouldn't. I feel a little itchy all over the place, very paranoid that me or one of my roommates will bring them into our house. 

I will survive. It will be okay. I now get to stay in this cute cabin 

<3

Approaching this wrongly

I hate beans!!! Hate them! They really really gross me out. The smell makes me want to puke. Having it in my mouth makes me gag. 

And in this hate for beans. I don't have any desire to live in another country especially one that's diet is bean intense. I feel pretty confident that I will someday end up somewhere foreign but I will go with my heels dragging. 

I am obsessed in looking at camp jobs. Hoping that one will be posted and it will be the perfect fit for me and I can go and live a life where I don't feel the need to RUN all the time. 

Last night I had a thought and it hasn't left me. "What if the reason I don't ever see a camp job that I want is because I need to pick up my dragging heels and actively pursue working at a camp in Latin America"

If I was ever going to live oversees it was because skip wanted to and I was going to drag my heels in following him. I have never ever thought-or consider moving to Latin America on my own. 

But maybe, I need to consider it. 

I definitely need to pray about it. 

The world and possibilities in it just changed for me now that I have had this mind shift about it. 

Run

A lot of things have improved in my life. A lot. I really feel like I can't complain about much, if you compare it to my life a year ago. Even though so much has improved; I don't think I'm better yet. 

I wanted to start this post talking about how things are not okay. How I am having issues at the amount of things said in secret at camp, and how I don't what's being said....

How I feel insecure and uneasy about comments a person made to me at lunch about how I need to sell camp and set-it-up so their husband can get paid. --it made me really feel like I suck more at my job than I think I suck and how I don't want to be a pushy sales person at all. ...Especially for camp, especially since I think our camp is only sub-par. 

I think I am getting burned-out. I don't want to serve people. I don't want to have to remember so many details- I hate having to remember so much stuff at once and not being able to recall all the little details for EVERYTHING! 

Honestly, I think I am still in flee mode like I was in June. I think I have constantly been there since then with pockets of moments where I cover it up with forced content. 

I don't think it's time for me to go yet though, I really don't. Even with everything inside of me screams "run" I have this overpowering feeling that I need to stay. It's not my time. 

But, I just want to run.