Sailing In A Storm

Yesterday started off like any other day. I was at work. Doing my work things. Then I saw that Facebook post. The post showing Skip and some girl in some great foreign land announcing that they are together.

Instantly I wasn't okay, but I was at work, so I held it all together externally. But I had all these thoughts: not being good enough, not being pretty enough, not being adventurous enough, feeling foolish for waiting all this time, feeling hurt.

Predicting my life...10 years from now...

I have been thinking a lot about my future and unsure of where I am going and what it is going to look like. People always talk about they just end up at a place, no idea of where they are going. But they never share, really share where there life might have taken them. I want to take some time and explore where my life will be, realistically be in 10 years--when I'm almost 40.
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I can't decide on one single track, there are too many variables and things that can get in the way of that. So I am going to explore a few different variables that could bring me to a place of my future.
Are you ready for this? I think it's going to be fun!

There are a few things that I don't know what to do with-- My boss keeps telling me that he wants the first opportunity to renegotiate if I ever decide to leave camp-- meaning that I will have a hard time leaving. The Lord told me that Skip is who I am going to marry, meaning that I think that will come into my life and I truly hope that happens in the next ten years. But if it doesn't, I hope that has no negative effect on my relationship with the Lord.
Are you ready for this? I think it's going to be fun!

Possible Future #1
That in the next year or two I will end up in a city like Portland Maine, with a rich downtown, a business job that I work in a office Monday-Friday and spend lots of time at coffee shops, port/river walking trails, and have a rich hipster life. I will own cute boots and scarfs and wear them often. I will be skinny with my downtown lifestyle. Then after a year or two of being here, I will get a phone call from Skip, He somehow made it into town and we meet and catch-up at a coffee shop I am a regular at. Things move fast, within 3 months we are engaged. Deciding where to live and what to do with our lives. We have a cute wedding that is sadly way smaller than I ever wanted. We hang around in our downtown Portland lives for a year, Skip traveling some but mostly in town. A door opens up to move to a port city overseas, and we do so as missionaries. We are involved in planting a church, traveling some within the area, but mostly enriched in our new land. No kids of our own, but have some native teens join our household in our overseas house.

Possible Future #2
I make my way back to Minnesota and work at a camp there, completely in love with my job, seasons that they have and spend all of my free time with my family, cousin's mainly. Skip starts to pursue me, it seems impossible but it happens completely by God's grace, we end up getting engaged the first time that we see each other in person. We then move overseas, its so hard, yet so perfectly incredible. Skip travels all the time, I am able to go sometimes as well. I don't really know what I would do for a job, but something that was administrative and people oriented. Hopefully completely mainstream.

Possible Future #3
To stay and do what I am doing right now, working with retreats at camp, living in a house with other single girls feeling a little lost but on track all at the same time. Trying to avoid the conversation with people why I am not dating yet, want to be married as much as I can. Then one day that starts out like any other I get an out of the blue proposal from Skip-- no conversation before hand, nothing to indicate that today was going to be different than any other. I of course would say "Yes" without a drop of doubt within me, and I would finally be able to share my story, to share how God told me that he was to be mine all those years ago. Our relationship would be very open, there would be all of these quirky situations around it, but soon Skip and I would be able to get married. Maybe here, maybe in our homelands, none of the places seem right, but we would have lots of people fly in and share our wedding with us. We would then have camp be our home base. I would continue to work and be here, Skip would commute and go share the stories of people around the world, but come home and put them all together here, at our camp house. After a few years, Skip would be okay in always being in America and be at camp always, perhaps in media, or another area.  We would become a speaking team and travel with that, share at conferences what God is doing and shaping our lives.
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Oh man, there are so many other things that could happen, I keep thinking about the really sad scenarios-- Skip marries someone else, nothing happens with my life--I don't change at all, parents die, I get in a serious car accident. I make a bad move and end up unemployed at my parents house.

All of these things are possible, but I truly don't see them actually happening, when I think and dream about my future most of the things I think or see are one of these 3 "possible future" or a mash-up of a few of them. Hopefully what ever it might actually come out to be, it will be the perfect way for me to serve the Lord with my life.

When "everyone" is getting married...

When you are single and over the age of 20, you have a pretty consistent feeling that everyone is always getting married, and you are very aware that you are not. But every once in a while it intensify's and "EVERYONE IS GETTING MARRIED" seems unbearably true.

It never is true. Most people are already married :) and no matter what, there is always a crew that is unmarried with you.

Last night and this morning I had a "EVERYONE IS GETTING MARRIED" moment. No one that I was close to was actually getting married, it was all friends of friends. But I still felt left out, behind.

I worry about my life. I am isolated on top of this mountain. Will I even have any friends to invite to a wedding when I get married? Do I need to change my life style? Does that even matter? What am I to do with my life? Am I going in the right direction?

I had a coming to Jesus conversation with Jesus today. Our relationship isn't right, I don't pursue or seek after the Lord in the way that allows me to have a real intimate relationship with him. We are more just surface friends. I hate that SO MUCH.

I want to be real with God, I want my life to be all about Him and our relationship and being obedient to what He says.

About 3.5 years ago, I had a dream camp that I was  hoping to work at. It was somewhat close to my hometown (2 hours away) was a big place with big potential and operates in a cool way. It didn't work out (I dropped out of the application process before I was rejected, but I really don't think that I would have gotten the job) And they have an opening as a office manager right now..

My heart is torn if I even want to look deeper into this job. All their staff lives offsite, meaning I would have to drive into work each day (most likely a 20 minute commute each way) and I would be working with the person who has the job I love, instead of doing the job I love.
But, this job would be at an incredible job, near family and my homeland. I would feel so much safer being so close to family here and it would be in my comfort zone.

As I write, I am confident that is not the route I should go. It does have it's appeal but deep inside I know it's not the right thing for me to do right now. That instead,I should stay where I am at, and do what I am doing here.

In the middle of writing that last paragraph, my roommate came out to the patio and we watched today's sermon from our church. It was about having our life, not about us, but about the Lord and serving Him and those around us before ourselves.

I stink at that. But, it confirmed some things for me. I don't need to leave-- because it would only make ME happy. I don't need to feel a need to be getting married, because marriage right now is only about ME.

Instead, I need to do what the Lord leads and stay intoned to that. I need to serve Him instead of thinking of myself.

Submit and love

I am reading "Love-ology" by John Mark. I am in a chapter about gender roles and looking into the passage that says:
"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything" Ephesians 5:22 NIV

John Mark goes on to define "submit" here's what he says,
"This word submit is hypotasso in Greek. and it can be translated "respect" "yield" "defer" or "put another's good ahead of your own" It does not mean "do what you are told" It means" give your own feelings, desires and trust over to another".... (page 189)

I love this definition of submit. It makes me think about the word used in other lights outside of marriage, we submit articles to the paper. We have freedom to make our voice be known, but it isn't saying that our voice is the direction that we are going.

This brings me  great comfort. I love this it makes me want to be married so I can give honor to this command.

It's funny, John Mark goes on to say that this relationship is for within marriage, that not all women are to submit to all men nor are all men to love all women as described in the next lines of this passage. But I am able to understand this type of relationship with how my boss and I operate on the job.

I submit to him ALL the time, and it is really really the best. When I am upset, hurt, or angry at something or someone at work. I often am sought out by my boss and am asked if I am okay, we have been at this long enough that I normally no longer lie and say " I'm fine" but tell him what is going on, "My co-worker said this to me... I saw this going on and it hurts me this way" etc. and he listens and he cares. I give him all of my feelings, and I trust them all to him. And normally he fixes my problems for me. Sometimes he doesn't, but I know that the situation is in his hands and he will act on it in a way with the Lord's guidelines and his selfless leadership way. --Or he will empower me to go and make things right and guide me on how to do that (my least favorite answer, I love it when others fix my problems for me)

I know that a work relationship is SO different than a marriage. But I wonder how much better will my marriage be that I have experience a boss that loves and cares for his people that he seeks them out and makes sure their voice is heard and I can trust him with my thoughts.

I also have learned that submitting my heart about this ministry and place that I love to my boss makes me feel SO SAFE. Its a kind of "being cared for" that can only come from the Bible. It means so much more to me than any compliment, and makes me want to serve here with everything that I have.

I can see how submitting into marriage that is responded in love makes for an amazing marriage. I can see how that makes you feel united. Because it effects the deepness of you. It may be hard. Your husband may not have the same deep love for you and hurt you when you submit. Giving each other love and submitting to your husband is a gift you give each other. You cannot demand it and be given it from your spouse. You just have to freely give what you have and hope they give it back to you.

John Mark goes on, and addresses all the women reading his book who are freaking out about what he just said. And that makes me sad that a response to something so beautiful so magical would be feeling of anger or being upset. --If it is done wrong is is upsetting. There are many people who I would not submit to, but with the right heart, it can be the best God-Centered thing out there.

I am so excited to submit to Skip and have him know me and my thoughts and trust that he will lead our relationship.

I love knowing that we are to have a relationship with the Lord where we submit to Him, I love that we are commanded to give me our feelings, desires and trust him to lead us with those and our entire lives.

single friends, and life right now

It seems like my entire life (okay ages 15 plus) I have been in social circles where there are often lots of amazing guys, who want nothing to do with girls...at that moment, always AMAZING girls who can't get a date to save theirs lives.  Then, some time passes and all of a sudden, all of those amazing guys are married, all the amazing girls are still very VERY single and off on a new adventure.

I have very few friends, but those who mean the most to me are SO spread out in the US now! My closest friends that I have had in life now live in: Texas, Minnesota, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, New Mexico, Arkansas, Wisconsin, and Georgia. Note that each state ONLY has one friend in it. 
Of this group of girls only one is married, and she was married BEFORE we met, so basically, I feel like if you become good friends with me when you are single-you will stay single, unless of course you are a guy, then you will magically find a girl out of nowhere 6 months after we meet. 

I am glad though that I have so many AMAZING single girl friends. It helps me in this journey of life. It helps me to stay level headed when I don't understand what/how/where Skip and I are at-- because lets face it, I sound even more like a crazy person about waiting for skip at year 3 than I did at the start. 

I am really distant from having a legit personal relationship with the LORD these days. I feel like I am following these steps, I pray sometimes, I often read my Bible, I think sharing who God is, is important, but I am not close like I use to be. I don't seek after Him and expect Him to respond. I don't give Him my whole life--just enough so that people don't question my relationship with Him. 

When push came to shove, and things became hard; I would cling to the LORD. But for some reason right now, when things are relative easy- when I am "able" to do life on my own, I keep the LORD distance. 

Writing this is a little more honest than I want to be. It breaks my own heart to hear how casual I have become in my relationship with Jesus. I feel like its been so long since I have been so real and raw with God, I don't even know how to make it happen. I feel this need to learn more about God, but not as much to grow with God. 

I feel like my situation is common for Christians. It is easy for Satan to get us to this place. I feel like it is hard for people to see and call me out on the fairly terrible condition that I have become-because I can make it look like I am growing in the LORD. I can share what I am learning. In reality though, I am just becoming a student of a book written 2000 year ago that gives me head knowledge on the creator of the world. 

Its good to have that knowledge, but it becomes worthless, if we make that our priority instead of growing and knowing God. Which I think I have been doing. 
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I have been experiencing lots of overwhelming moments of anxiety at work this week. In a really big bad way. I turn to God's word- I read those 3 verses about anxiety that my concordance points me to, "cast all your anxiety on God, because he cares for" is repeated over and over in my head. I ask the LORD to take the things that are overwhelming me at the moment. Even in this, it keeps coming back. 

I keep thinking that I am not strong enough, wise enough, skilled to do my job that it has become. My boss has been really really distant for about a week now. I know that he is really really stressed about money, training managers, and figuring out how to fund raise for camp. Even though I can see that all these other things are taking place, I think that it is because I am doing a really poor job. I keep thinking I should step down so someone who is more capable can do this, someone who is very strong, wise, and skilled. 

I know what you are all thinking-- "holy cow, Becky is a mess, stop being so focus on yourself-- get your relationship with God together, and seek after HIM instead writing a really long and whiny blog that seems to be going no-where" 

And you are right in thinking that. Thanks for listening to me process this so far, know that I am taking steps forward in doing your advice. This long whiny blog helps me to pinpoint exactly HOW I am a mess. 

And on that note, I am going to I bid you goodnight. Sweet dreams. 

Day to day with no Skip...

 Things in my life have been going really well. I am content. I like where I live and having a roommate I enjoy living with. I like my job and how things are going well there. I love my church and the people who I have met there. 

And though everything is going right and life at this present moment is very easy and good. I know that my life isn't settled until Skip is in it. 

In almost any quiet moment I have, I think of him and how everything would be different if he was there, if he was actively a part of my life. I would most likely be missing out on what was going on in front of me right now, and instead be experiencing something completely different. 

Life as I know it: living in America, consistency, comfortable, familiar, and at camp; may disappear when we are married. I think though, having my life radically changing will be easy, because the Lord has now taken years to prepare me for this, and still is preparing me now for it. 

Doing things that are 100% in the Lord's will,oddly doesn't seem hard,it seems so right. I have this surreal sense of confidence, as I KNOW I'm doing things the way of my father instead of my selfish ways.   

As I write this, I have so many Mandy Hale quotes going through my head, I am thankful for her blog and encouragement that she gives through it. I am thankful in knowing that I'm not waiting for my "other half" to become a whole. But that I am be a whole person who wants to share all of me. --- or something like that. 

Skip is on my heart and mind a lot. But I'm not obsessed or anxious over him right now, just excited to see how our story is going to be; hopefully waiting and very curious of how God's plan mixed with our sinful nature is going to produce the end result He has already promised. 

And how the start (first year) of our relationship is going to look-- once I get past the epic Disney movie closing scene that I am sure we will experience. I am positive we are going to have oh so many awkward and funny moments. 

That crazy foolish girl looks a lot like me

So I've been watching bachelor in paradise this season. On this show, there is this girl who spent about 4 days with this guy and decided that they are soulmates. 

This girl is CRAZY! The guy told her that they need to not break-up, but get to know other people. So this girl goes out and makes-out with a tool in the ocean- and when her dream guy won't take her back- her craziness REALLY COMES OUT! 

She talks and talks and talks about how she knows they are soul mates, how she needs to go and visualize them together, how she is beside herself because she doesn't know what else to do outside of a lame apology to him....

Her and this guy are obviously not soul mates--it's the bachelor for crying out loud--- but this crazy girl kept reminding me of me. And that's really unsettling. 

I have become a person who really trusts my feelings, I don't apply for jobs if it doesn't feel good when I read the description. I didn't talk to skip for a really long time, because I left like I need not to. 

And I do this not because I'm a "spiritual"

person, but I know that the Holy Spirit is in me and speaks to me and that comes out in my gut reaction and feelings. 

Not talking to skip was really hard on me. Really really hard. But I was obedient in it. 

He post this picture on Facebook earlier this week: 

And that caption made me flip out, I knew he either went on a date or got engaged! But, in seeing this post, i felt like I knew I had permission to FINALLY talk to skip, so I commented on the picture this: 

Which lead to us having an hour-long Facebook message last night. 

He just met a girl, they have been officially dating now for 3 days. And though this is NOT good for me what-so-ever, i am doing okay with the news. 

Part of me feels like a fool, but I know that God is bigger than this relationship, and if they do end up married, God is still my God and he had me on this trust journey for some other reason. 

But I'm not there yet. Him dating is not a game changer for me. It's a hard for me-- I feel a little foolish waiting for a guy in a brand new relationship- but I am not showing God faithfulness if it is really easy and convenient to trust him. 

I'm afraid to tell my friends that skip and I talked last night. 

I feel like skip and I's conversation really indicates to them that I should throw in the towel and move on-- and that hanging on to this is as ridiculous as that bachorette girl hanging into that guy. 

But, The Lord is the game-changer in all of this- he makes things that seem foolish really be all about following HIM. 

I am really thankful that skip himself told me about his new girl, and after all this time of silence we are still friends, and can pick things up where we left off. It may not be the ideal, but it is SO MUCH better than what it could be. 

Approaching this wrongly

I hate beans!!! Hate them! They really really gross me out. The smell makes me want to puke. Having it in my mouth makes me gag. 

And in this hate for beans. I don't have any desire to live in another country especially one that's diet is bean intense. I feel pretty confident that I will someday end up somewhere foreign but I will go with my heels dragging. 

I am obsessed in looking at camp jobs. Hoping that one will be posted and it will be the perfect fit for me and I can go and live a life where I don't feel the need to RUN all the time. 

Last night I had a thought and it hasn't left me. "What if the reason I don't ever see a camp job that I want is because I need to pick up my dragging heels and actively pursue working at a camp in Latin America"

If I was ever going to live oversees it was because skip wanted to and I was going to drag my heels in following him. I have never ever thought-or consider moving to Latin America on my own. 

But maybe, I need to consider it. 

I definitely need to pray about it. 

The world and possibilities in it just changed for me now that I have had this mind shift about it. 

Cool picture

This is a cool picture, except that it makes me feel incredibly lonely and a little stupid. 

The guy in red is skip, he is cuddled up to the girl in teal really closely, it's the same girl that he was Facebook chatting that I wrote about on June 11. 

You can't deny it, it's a cute picture. It's a cool picture.

Two of the summer staff had/have crushes on me this summer. I am incredibly honored by that and in seeing a picture like this, I think that I may have it all wrong. I may have a little game... Do I need to go out there and look for someone else. --- as I wrote that my insides are screaming "no!" Over and over again. 

As stupid as I feel looking at this picture. I need to stay loyal to God and the word that he gave me, no matter how hard it is.  Or how illogical it feels. 

I think it is my natural spirit of revenge that makes me want to run out and be with some cute guy. As in, I am getting back at skip for being cutesy with this girl on Facebook by being cutest with some guy. Even though at this point in the game, there is no reason for me to be seeking revenge, because, he has done nothing wrong. I got myself hurt feelings, by seeing something that wasn't my way--that's selfish of me. 

And why do i have a spirit of revenge with someone I hope to spend the rest of my life with???

I don't have good feelings inside of me. I am going to go get my bible and read and pray. I read to pray lots right now. 

"For The Lord is preparing me"

This has been my answer to almost all the Gideon study questions as I worked through that, and I know they The Lord is preparing me for something. The past couple of weeks, I thought it was The Lord preparing me a way outta here because I was hating every single day so much. 

In the midst of worship today our worship leader told a story of The Lord preparing him for months before somthing really hard and pressing happened to him, and now as he is in that season, he is hanging on to the things The Lord prepared him for. In the drive home from church today. I was telling my boss's wife all that I learned in church and that The Lord is preparing me for something, and that I don't know what it is. ---I have a great fear of what it is. Skip becoming engaged to that Facebook girl (or any girl that's not me) and that my promise won't come to be, for a consequence of my year of disobience, or to show I can trust The Lord even when it doesn't make sense. Whatever the it is. I hope, HOPE it's not that. It has the potential of snapping me, instead of stretching me. 

Lord please have your word be, even in my disobedience!  

Facebook revealing current reality

This girl who I have kinda thought had
a thing going on with skip wrote this on his Facebook wall earlier today: 

Skip was the one comment he wrote: 

There are so many bad signs for me. 

1. She public ally declared missing him

2. They sing and dance together

3. They have inside jokes together 

4. He responded

5. His response doesn't even make sense to me, that's how much of an inside joke it is. 

Skip is amazing, girls have always been in love with him. This shouldn't come be a surprise. And well it doesn't. I'm surprise at how sad my heart feels. How incredibly jealous I am for this girl. And, yet again, so completely confused on how God is going to work in this relationship, especially now with this girl ( who is probley completely incredible) in the way. 

Hike in the woods

Today I finally got my friend Katie to go hiking with me. And as we hiked the conversation of boys came up... I have told her about skip, but we haven't really talked about him a lot. 

I have a really hard time explaining skip, and I don't really know how to tell people in general, and specifically this friend about this neat/yet complex journey I am on with this. Katie asked me when the last time I talked to him was --it was about 2 months ago. And she wanted to know why I don't push that more. 

In reality, I would love to talk to him more, but I don't feel right about pushing me on him. I don't think he is ready for full-force Becky, and I don't want to be THAT girl who is winning-over some guy. 

And, I am very certain that God has a lot more faith-building work in me, that needs to be done before he can show me his faithfulness within this relationship.

I am in a big phase right now where skip himself doesn't matter-- me being obedient to God through skip does... 

I wish I could verbally explain that in a way that makes sense. It doesn't fully make sense, that's the problem. But I think that is a big fun part of this journey.

A blend of fear and jealousy mixed with a little doubt

I'm having a day where I am overwhelmed by God and keep thinking about the big picture of who he is. I read this verse below this morning:

And I don't really get it. How can you be saved and not have the Holy Spirit? Can that happen to people now? Does the Holy Spirit go in and out of people? What does it mean by they spoke in tongues and prophesied? Why?  Is that proof that the Holy Spirit lives in us? 

I'm unsettled and have lots of questions running through me ...obviously. 

AND I facebooked stalked skip tonight. There was a picture of him sitting in a chair getting a haircut from another guy with a caption that read " this is what we had to resort to Katie , since you are gone" 

It made me really jealous! By Facebook stalking her. I now know that she is skinny and pretty and travels like skip does and obviously in his circle.

I normally don't allow myself to go down this tunnel of doubt. But what if skip goes ahead and marries this girl? What do I do? Both in life and in my faith with God. That could happen! Easily!! I really don't know what my next steps would be. 

I guess that is part of faith. You can't see the end and know how you are going to get there when you are in faith. You just gotta trust! 

Fancy photos, mint budgets, AND Joseph dreaming

So this week I downloaded an app that lets you modifiy your pics in cool ways and Put words on top of them... You may admire my camp word art above as well as my new "sailing in the waves" logo I created (and recreated multiple times this week) 

I also re-activated my mint.com account. And am now tracking how I spend money and trying to figure out how to be debt free by march 2015. I spend A LOT of money eating out and on clothes, but overall I don't think I will have to adjust too many bad habits outside of that. And camp is about to start full swing, so my grocery bill will decrease ALOT for the next 6 months. 

Now I guess the more serious note. My bible study had us read the story of Joseph and reflect about how he was with people and the importance of having people in our lives. I kinda got that, out of it. 

But I mainly focused in how God was so faithful to Joseph! Joseph had a dream, he knew what God was going to do in his life, but nothing in his life, looked that way at all. He was in prison, forgotten. Then one day out of the blue in Joseph's end, he goes from being a smelly gross guy in lock-up to the second most powerful guy in the country. IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS!!! 

I'm stuck on this! That's God working in crazy WAY unpredictable ways. It helps me see God in a better light. I really don't know how it is ever going to work out for skip to personally be in my life again. It's not as quite extreme as Joseph in prison, 

But still very much an unknown variable in my life. 

In the bible study gathering tonight. I kept invisioning skip walking into my office, out of the blue. Staying here at camp for a month and letting our relationship become one where love can be present (instantly of course, because it's a daydream and that's how it goes in fantasy land!)

as much as I want my dreams to come true, I need to keep my head grounded and focused in on Gods will, not my dreams, as hard as it may be! 

Sunday naps

Though it seems like a lifetime ago, but it was about 4-5 years ago when skip and mick would hang out at my house with me after church.

 I would always get so annoyed because both of them needed to stretch out on my couches and nap before they would hang out with me. I never understood it, and thought it was so weird that they had to do that. But now, all I want to do is crawl up under some covers on the couch and sleep after church. And it's so sad to go home and be all alone. I miss the days in Denver of hanging out with those boys. 

I wish that my life looked like that again. I would love to have fun single guys be my friends and let me nap on their couch after church before we hang out all after noon--- and really, I want it to skip, I loved that so much!!

Here's to rainy Sundays, naps and living the good life. 

Back in that boat

So it's been quite the night. 

I figured out why I am the way I am (screwed up and distant from God)

It is because he told me something crazy, and I gave up on believing that He actually could or would do this crazy thing. Or that I even wanted it to come true. 

Any guesses of what I am talking about? If you asked me yesterday, "what in your faith is keeping you from coming closer to God" I never would come up with the right answer. 

Today, I know, it's this I let go of  believing that God told me who I was going to marry, and I moved on! I still think it is crazy that God told me this. I feel like a crazy person by having this knowledge and walking about in faith in that seems over-the-top. It's been a long while since I heard God in this. I started to doubt it right as Ham entered my life, that made it easy.I had this incredible guy in front of me, who had amazing faith in God. I see now, that I let his faith "cover" over my disobedience to God. 

When we ended, I felt numb. I was thinking it was because this incredible guy was no longer in my life. And though I am sure that had a part in it. I think mostly, it was that I gave up on the crazy part of my faith, and without this crazy faith, the rest become useless. 

In thinking about this tonight. The story of the rich young man[mark 10:17-30] came to mind (divinely).

 the young man couldn't give away all that he had. Giving everything away that you own is crazy!! He can follow the commands, he can have the heart to know more/be close. But he couldn't do the crazy. He was sad he couldn't do. 

I wonder when that rich man  left Jesus if he stayed the same? did he Continued to follow the laws, continue to almost be in the right. Or did throw in the towel and call it quits? 

I think when God spoke I was obedient, at least close enough to The Lord where I could follow. But being crazy wore on me, and I gave up. But not wanting to be a quitter I deceived myself. Enough so, that I couldn't even identify in what....yesterday. 

So as much as I hate being the crazy person. I'm glad I'm back in this boat. Because without this faith, everything  that I have in God is meaningless. 

Which makes me think "how did I survive these past months?"

The wall

I got comfortable. I became secure. I became able to do it on my own. I didn't want help, I didn't need help. I can do it myself. I felt a need to prove myself. So I did it myself.  I saw myself doing better than those around me.

This brought me to where i am stuck today. A place that though I kinda knew, never saw how deep I was on my own. I am right now numb to God. Right now my eyes where open to the deepnessof my  sin. the deception i myself in my own doing lead me down. 

My friend called me out on it. We were talking, maybe 10 minutes into the conversation she said "can  I make an observation? You talk differently than you used to. Normally, when you make decisions you talk about God's will,you haven't talked about it. I've noticed this the passed few times we talked" after some processing. She told me to think about what changed... Why am I talking differently. 

Well the above reasons are why. I can see that clearly after thinking for just a little while. The real question is. How do I conquer the thick walls I built. And know and converse with the Holy Spirit again, the way I did before. The way I did when I knew God closely. 

That's what I dreaming of. To have again a real and close relationship with God, and know and listen and believe in the Holy Spirit working in my life. 

The hard has past... of this weekend

So I just looked at my last post and so thankful that I already told you about how needy I have been- pretty much that lasted all of saturday(it was also a hard day at work I was sleep deprived, understaffed and had tons of complaints and requests to deal with.) ham and I exchanged only a few words that afternoon, and they were very insignificant. So I woke up early Sunday morning, and I was praying he would talk to me, look at my phone, be disappointed that nothing was there then fall back asleep. This cycled happened like 6 times then I finally got up and went to lunch. After that I decided to lay in the hammock and have some God time. In that he texted me. I was bold, I asked him to hang out with me that afternoon, he agreed- then quickly retracted that when he realized his timeline didn't work with meeting up. But we texted the entire afternoon. And had real conversation, we talked about our love languages ( which are exactly the same-- and he told me his first so I know it's true) we talked about our lives biggest struggles- I told him a secret that I have never told anyone before, we laughed at our geeky loves( well just his last night) and I even was at a place where I told him he could ask me anything--- he's been an open book to me for a while. I complimented him, in a very flirty way. I also told him he has told me many words of affirmation and I was surprised that wasn't a more dominate love language-- which I felt awkward after saying that, cause I just told him he was showing me love, which was weird to talk about. Anyway it was really good, we are going to try and hang out at his house this weekend, which I am really excited about. I think I'll be way more comfortable at his house than a restaurant/coffee shop. It will be like old times.hopefully it will work out. 

In non-ham news:

I told ham I needed to be real with God, which made me be real with God. I know I need to be faithful, and I asked God to be real to me in his word because the Bible has been a place of disconnect for me lately. I have a long way to go in being fully dependent on him 100% of the time but I am glad that he has grace and will love me even when I screw up. 

Skip is applying for his visa today to be back in Europe for 2 years. He hopes to be back by July. Part of me doesn't care at all because I'm mad at how he didn't care or do anything when I stopped talking to him. I feel so done in everything skip. And I hope that is only a season because I think he does great in ministry and hope I didn't stand in the way of that. 

End of thoughts for now. Thanks for letting me review/debrief/reflect with you today!! 

Drop of thoughts

Tonight I have a few thoughts:

I need to be more passionate about God's word and spending time with him. I laid out on the hammock in my backyard attempting to read psalm 74. Last night it was read aloud to me and had auch great meaning. But tonight it just seemed to be meaningless words scrambled on a page. Why do I go through seasons like this? I don't think I have discovered how to get personal and relational with God when I'm alone with him and his book. I really really should pray about that. 

I saw a picture of skip on Facebook today. It's crazy how much my feelings have changed for him. I can't image at all liking him or being with him. It scares me a little how fast those feelings disappeared. And I still don't know what god is going to do with me and my unfaithfulness/obedience in this. Or if I'm in his will. I bet I have been distancing myself from him because I'm afraid to ask. 

I have been really needy for hams attention today, REAL NEEDY! He had a huge project at work he had to work on and didn't talk to me at work at all (except he responded to a picture I texted him---because I'm real needy today) we texted a very very limited amount tonight, and he just stopped after I asked where he was. On a normal day, I would think, " his phone died" "he didn't see my text go through" "he got distracted, really busy" but today on my needy day I think"he hates me, he sees how needy I am and pushing me away, he's bored with me..etc" I realize I'm needy and my thoughts aren't rational. And I shouldn't be pestering him. But I really really really want him to pay attention to me at this second. 

Lastly, I am annoyed that I don't know how to find other ppls blogs that are similar to this. I feel like I can't be the only anonymous blogger out there who is processing:love, God, camp, life, in real time. How the heck do you connect with people 100% randomly in this?? I don't get it!!

I really want to hear how The Lord has been shaping and growing in ham in the last month. I wish he would call me right now and ask me!  Man do I need attention right now!! I should also go to bed! Night y'all!!

Waiting on Gods faithfulness

I'm in such a different place than I was a few months ago. I was waiting on Gods faithfulness and now I'm figuring out where I am with this guy who returned to my life out of the woodwork. I've started processing and figuring out God things on this blog instead of turning and talking to Him and reflecting about it here. I heard yesterday that you have to hit rock bottom before you can see how you rebelled against God. I would say that right now I am far from rock bottom and see my rebellion. And I am so thankful that God has allowed me my few steps off trail before I ended up in a pit. But it still seems hard to turn back from my old ways.  It seems shameful to go back to God after turning my back on our relationship again and again in the simple part of doing life together and having Him lead the day to day part of my life. But I need to. I need to seek after Him and find and figure out how to faithfully follow him in every lesson and stage my life brings to me. It's all about surrendering, which is so dang hard to do!