Feeling inadequate

Tonight,  I called the fire department, letting them about a medical emergency that was happening. This would be the second time that day that response team would be on grounds tending to a medical emergency that night.
Along with our teen boy who is having a hard time breathing, I was needing to police how large a group's campfire was able to be that night, arrange for a group's late night dessert to be delivered on time, make sure everyone was following the golf cart driving rules.

#byetarget viral viewpoints

This week I have noticed that people have been upset with Target on social media with something with transgender bathrooms. I took the time tonight to see what was going on. Target has changed their policy where transgender individuals can now choose which bathroom they identify with "men" or "women" instead of the gender that they were born with. There are so many people upset about this. They do not want their children/wife sharing the same bathroom with a person of the opposite gender. The reason being that this is how people will become raped and assaulted. The hashtag #byetarget is huge. So many people are sharing that they are over target until this policy get changed.

Here is my thing, though. We do not police bathroom doors at all. There hasn't been a person who stands outside of the bathroom doors anywhere checking ID's of people ensuring that they are using the correct bathroom. At any point of any day, a person can choose to go into the other gender's bathroom. We have an honor code that men only use the men bathroom and women only use the women's bathroom. We do not enforce the rule. It is just something that everyone follows.

Living in Fear

A friend was telling me that it was common in the 1950s and 1960s for women to start their day with a valium each day to take the edge off. It was their way of dealing with the pressure of being the perfect wife, mom, homemaker and career women. It was how they kept themselves pose and under control with all the things that can make you feel crazy.

We don't start our day with valium each day anymore. We either go all natural with our emotions or take a specific anti-depression medicine, that works towards a specific issue, instead of cutting the edge off our entire day.

I'm A Mess, I Can't Do It All, I Think I Need To Quit

"I'm a mess, I can't do it all, I think I need to quit" has been in my head for days now. I haven't written about it because that is what I feel like I always write about, but these thoughts keep building upon each other. I feel like more time that goes by, the more these thoughts become true.

I mess things up big time.

I can't do things on my own; I am not a good problem solver. I don't know how to manage 16 balls in the air at once.

Marry Right

Marriage has been on my mind.

Not exactly my desire to be married or anything with me being married, but merely the subject of marriage.

I was taking to a retreat group leader who was telling me about a camp he is part of planning. It is for couples who are dating each other for the purpose of getting married and is a boot camp to see if they actually are a good match for each other and to see if they should continue to date. 50% of the couples that go through this class break up.

50%!!! 

This stat shocks me!

People Who Just Don't Feel Right...

I have been working with a retreat group that I have never felt right about.

Since we started working together, I have always felt like there very unsure about this group. I could not tell you what is wrong though.

Reflecting on a Perfect Spring Morning

Today is one of those magical days: the birds are literally chirping, I smell the lilac bush spring scent. Wild turkeys are playing in woods right behind me. In the distance, I hear the lawn mower mowing, which is a sound that always warms my heart.
Perfect days aren't rare in Southern California, but today seems like it is a little more perfect.
I have been sitting out at my small white table for about an hour now. Until a few minutes ago, I was here with no technology, just my Bible, Isaiah workbook and a pen. Day 5 each week in my workbook is a reflective day, to go over all the lessons that you have done for the last 4 days and see the big picture of it, with very little prompting from the author.

upgrading my phone

I did something out of character for me on Thursday.

I ordered the brand new iPhone on its release date.

This is very unlike me. I am shocked at myself. I am using my 4s IPhone that I got in 2012, which was also my first iPhone. Most of the time I do not have a personal computer, and until 6 months ago, I never owned a flat screen tv.

Skip is Coming Home

Skip is moving back to the United States.

Really soon. In less than a months time.

Part of me is excited. But fear has overtaken me with this news.

Today we Celebrate Easter

Holidays are just different when you are a single adult living away from your family. Today is Easter, the last place that I want to be is at church. Everyone dressed to the T's. Families are abundant and apparent with all the cute couple and family pictures being taken. Being in that setting is just one big fat reminder that I don't fit into that world.
I feel like I have offended lots of people, feel like many are worried about my faith, but I am not going to church today. Instead, I am going to stay home.

Getting Encouragement When You Really Need It.

On Monday, while I was at work, I started a very emo blog post about my worth at the workplace. I struggle a lot in what I am doing and if I should even be doing what I do. Do I qualify, do I need to quit because I am so terrible at what I do.

I had to delete my post; it was a little too emo for me. Clicking the delete button was a symbolic motion for me to throw away these negative thoughts. I needed to make myself move forward and get the things done that I could do on my own (I had a lot of decisions that I needed my manager's approval )

Writing from the heart

I believe that most bloggers read a lot of other people's blogs. It is part of the blogging world, you write for others, you read for others. That hasn't been the case for me at all. I actually, intentionally, do not read blogs very often because it taints my writing experience. I feel the need to have my blog like the other blogs and not exactly what I need it to be. I get sucked into this comparison trap.

I do have one exception though, Mandy Hale's "The Single Women" blog. I read it before I was a blogger and always felt encourage by Mandy, but never I never felt the pressure to make myself look like her. Her writing style makes me inspired by her, but in a way that I am comfortable to be completely myself still.

Feeling Good Even With Other's Good News

This weekend, I have seen a lot of people announce a big change in their life on social media. Quitting jobs, moving, getting engaged, got married, and having a baby.

Our lives are always surrounded by these things, especially if you are Facebook friends with the 20 something crowd, but this weekend seemed to have an extra amount of life change announcements.

The first two announcements that caught my eye were people moving.

Feeling Excessive With Online Shopping.

I feel like I have been a crazy online shopper, like I need to buy something every second. But also, feel discontent at myself for the desire to have things. I also want to get rid of everything and be a minimalist. I feel like I only do and use very little things in life... why do I feel this need to have more?

I think online shopping makes you more aware of where your money is going and what you are buying.

Envious love

I have been really behind in watching the Bachelor. I am watching Monday's episode right now; it is Thursday.

Jojo is coming out of the helicopter and walking towards Ben seeing if she was going to be engaged or not. She says, "I have seen other people's relationships, and I have been so envious of what they have, and now I am at a place with Ben where now other people will be envious of our love." (close paraphrase, I can never actually get a perfect quote down)

hmmm... I think this is a moment when a little too much honesty came out on the Bachelor.

Complete and Full Surrender

This past weekend we had a man show up to camp a few hours early for his check-in. He was so excited to be here.

Megan in our front office and I were talking small talk with him. I asked him how long he has been going to their church and he told me the most amazing story.

Thoughtless Questions Hurt

Not everything that we do is easy. In fact, there are a lot of really hard things.There are hard tasks that we can't take the shortcut to and need to just do it the hard way for a high-quality product.

I overheard a husband and wife argue today. She was asking him very accusing questions of why he spent so much time on a particular task at work when he could do it "this easy way." He answered over and over again with different responses, but they all said this "It needs to be a high-quality product, the shortcuts that you are giving me with make it sub par product."

I am not a fan of the asking accusing questions towards a person who is working at making things great.

The Struggles Of Always Seeking

Yesterday was my last day in #theweektoseek.

I thought it was going to end differently, as in felt like it had an ending. But it didn't. It felt like any other day.

I knew that I didn't want #theweektoseek to be a one-time thing. I want my whole life to be about seeking the Lord, but this week was very specific. I did get answers, I got an overwhelming teaching on a single word, "Obedience" --obedience isn't specific, not at all. But I feel like I know how to be obedient more than when I first notice the theme that the Lord was giving me.

Meetings, Self Diagnosis, Thyroids and Crying

Today I sat in a meeting that was silent for at least 30 minutes.

I don't know if you have ever experienced that. It is really the worst. We had a logistic problem in front of us and didn't have a way to figure it out. So, we sat. in. silence.

We kinda came up with a solution. It may work. But I am so done and over having to problem solve an building that is 3 months past its' completion date. It takes so much out of me. It is so exhausting, and that is not the only thing going on, I have about 40 other moving pieces going on at the same time. I have people annoyed that I don't get back to their emails/phone calls. I sometimes am unable to get back to people for days.

Be your real self.

My mom is pretty amazing. I was talking to her the other night on the phone-- we were talking about her emotions. She has less than most people. My mom has this amazing ability to not be jealous of people. I sometimes joke about how my mom made me insensitive to people's feelings because her feelings are so hard to hurt. She never feels jealous of people. She doesn't feel left out.