Living in Fear

A friend was telling me that it was common in the 1950s and 1960s for women to start their day with a valium each day to take the edge off. It was their way of dealing with the pressure of being the perfect wife, mom, homemaker and career women. It was how they kept themselves pose and under control with all the things that can make you feel crazy.

We don't start our day with valium each day anymore. We either go all natural with our emotions or take a specific anti-depression medicine, that works towards a specific issue, instead of cutting the edge off our entire day.

Fear and anxiety doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand my feelings when I am in the midst of fear and anxiety; I don't understand it when others have it when it is different than me (or the same because I don't understand my own feelings) It logically doesn't make sense to me.

But just because I can't wrap my head around this concept doesn't mean that it isn't real; it is very real. 

I live in fear. Talking about valium with my friend today made me think about my own fears. What is it that I am afraid of? 

I think the main fear I have is being in a situation and not knowing what the next step I need to take is, at that moment. I feared upgrading my phone because I didn't understand how to go step-by-step in this process without getting ripped out. I fear doing anything with insurance because I don't understand insurance. I fear getting in a car accident because I don't know what to do, who to call or how to buy a new car if that happens. 

The list goes on and on for me. I fear things that I don't know how to do but feel like I should have a good handle on at this stage in my life. 

Somedays I face my fears, and I do something that I think is scary, and I feel so proud for tackling that goal. 

But most of the time I hide and avoid doing what I fear. I find ways to have that not part of my life. I find ways to enjoy life that doesn't include the things that I fear. 

I have been struggling at work for quite some time now. But what I am going through there is so different than fear. I feel like I am not living up to the expectation giving to me, and I am failing at everything that I am doing. But the anxiety and emotion of fear isn't part of that. It is like a whole different part of my body is in pain when I feel failure than when I feel fearful. 

I have thought about going to counseling about my fears, I have even thought about going to the doctors. However dealing with my fears means that I have to deal with some of my fears to fight my fears. 

I often think about moving back to my roots. My fears don't seem scary if I know I have family that I can call if I ever end up in one of these situations. Figuruing out insurance doesn't seem that bad if I can convince my mom to sit next to me and help me figure it out. Being in a car accident doesn't seem that terrible if I know my parents will be there by my side and help me with all the things that go into making me and my car right again.

I think in someways we have fear when we don't know who will support us when everything falls apart. How can I step out and do something if no one is there to help me when I fail?

I wrote this post a week ago, and I haven't published it, but I have been thinking a lot about fear, about being brave. I have been really thinking about where I want my life to be, do I want to uproot everything I have right now and start over.

You all know that I toy around with this question often. It is a big question and I don't want to take "smashing the framework of my life" lightly. This morning I listened to Andy Stanley's leadership podcast from March 31, 2016 and he was talking about the feeling of needing to go, even when everything is going good.
I feel like I am in this limbo where I fear to leave, and I fear to stay and that makes everything in my fearful because I do not feel certain of where and what I should be doing.