Hard days and setting up interviews

Last Friday, everything felt like it blew up in my face, but I was going to deal with it calmly and rationally. I faked that emotion the whole weekend, I kinda fell apart yesterday and today was the day of ALL melt-downs. Mascara running mess is what I became.

I was sitting at my desk frozen, eyes filled with water about to burst at the seams, I text my friend and ask if I can sit at her house and have a melt-down. and Boy did I have a melt-down.

Sadly, my friend is also my bosses wife, and she MADE me tell her husband all that was going on, which he was pissed to listen to. I was a mess, embarrassed that I was a mess and really wanted everything in the world to go away. Wishing that I was all set to leave this place and start my new job in the mid-west which I never heard back from.

Protect me from what is not you Lord.

Lord,

Knowing you can be scary.

You have all the power, you make all the rules, you are in complete control, and you welcome me to know you personally.
That is a lot of power and it is scary to know someone in that position.

But God, you care about me. You know me, you want a relationship with me. You want me to trust and believe in you.

I want that. I want to have this amazing relationship with you. I want your Holy Spirit to be more transparent in me than me.

Who am I going to be? #getoveryourselfbecky

What do I want to be?

Do I want to be this person who is stuck on living in a world of "what if" Do I want to be this person who doesn't like where her life is and spends her days depressed, avoiding relaity and sitting on the couch and watching tv?

Is that what I want for myself? Because that is who I have become.

OR

Do I want to be a person who pursues God and a relationship with Him no matter what the specs of my life look like?

Do I want to be a person who isn't afraid to stand up and grow in my relationship with the Lord even when I don't know what the result will mean for me.

Feeling Stuck

I am now 30 years old; I haven't heard a peep about that job in the Midwest (its been over two weeks) and I feel stuck.

I had a melt-down on Friday, I am tired of having plans fall through and retreats not going as people planned. I am tired of not having everything put together always, and I am tired of having a manager that doesn't help me when I am so desperately needing help, but expecting me to have it all put together.

I don't know how I function. I don't know how other people do this. I don't think I am very good at living how my life is set-up right now and I feel like I am in so deep here that I don't know how to go back.

Coach? 22 year-old? Any guy? #singlelife #letschangethatstatus

Saturday night I had a quick but great encounter with a coach from one of our retreat school. He was really nice and really good looking (best smile ever) AND he didn't have any rings on his left hand. As we talked in the office, it became really clear that this coach respected both his parents and grandparents, loved to travel and have adventures. He was fairly new at this school and told me of his past jobs, and I was trying to add up the years to see if he was in the right age frame for me.

I spent an embarrassing amount of time yesterday googling this guy, trying to answer two simple questions, "How old is he, and is he single" I saw his school profile, Instagram, twitter, facebook, linkedn, and random news articles to find the answer to these questions. In all my searching, I have concluded that he is 35 and single (at least the last time he posted a picture of him and a girl was in 2013, and she was celebrating 18 months with a new guy last week on her Instagram)

Tired of Limbo Land

I haven't heard anything about the job, which I think is a very bad sign. I have mostly given up hope on it, but haven't been told, "becky, your out"

I am pretty sure that nothing is going to happen, but it makes me struggle to move forward. I signed up for a 5k that's in a month, part of me questions if I will be able to participate. I wondered if I should have gotten that 12 pack of Toliet paper, or if I should have only gotten the 4 pack for the next few weeks.

Back and Forth, Up and Down

A lot has happened, but I haven't wanted to deal with it. So I have been online shopping. Watching TV, cleaning, anything from keeping me from the place of being real with things that are going on around me. 

I got a message back about that job close to my family. It sounded amazing; I filled out the application. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew that I needed to tell my boss that I was applying for a job before I submitted the application. I avoided it and avoided it and avoided it. After chickening out at the perfect moment and running out of time, I asked if I could meet with him tomorrow. 

I ended up driving my boss on a golf cart only 20 minutes after asking to meet with him. He asked me what we were meeting about, and if we could do it right now, I sheepishly replied, "I'm not ready" He then said, "are you leaving camp?" ---well---there's no avoiding it now. So as we drive through the middle of camp on the golf cart  talking about me leaving (thankfully no one was around and that our golf cart was loud, so we weren't overheard) 

Camp tours

One of my favorite things about my job is camp tours. I love when a person or a small group of people come up to camp together to see if this is the place for their next camp.

Typically my tours are with married pastors that are men and 20 years older than me.

My last two tours though were with an attractive single guy about my age. Both of the tours really felt more like a blind date than key task to my job.

Waiting for an email

I saw a job posting last week at a camp that caught my eye. It is close to family (like my sister's house is only 1.5 hours away) in the mid-west, on a beautiful lake.

I promised my boss that I wouldn't apply for another job without talking to him about it first. So, I didn't apply--instead I emailed the director a list of logistical questions about the role and what it would look like to work for this camp.

Come along side of me.

Skip is saying "I love you :)" to another girl on facebook. I feared their relationship, and obvious that it is more serious than I want to admit that it is.

Where does this leave me?

I am struggling with this. I don't know what I think. I want to move on, I want to be married to have a guy to do life with me. I have a crush on that guy I did that camp tour with a few weeks ago, do I need to pursue that?

How does this affect my relationship with God?

Being at Home (parent's house)

I have been at my parent's house for 24 hours now. Getting back from the most amazing weekend with my cousins to being with my parents. It is comfortable with them, but I am not the same person with them as I am with anyone else in my life. Today I assisted them on the construction project that they were wrapping up. Which meant I stood around a lot, not sure how to help, annoyed that they are putting me to work when I asked them to be on vacation with me this week.

I am so glad to be home; I am thinking about making this place my home again once again. (not move back in with my parents, but finding a job, community, life, in a city within a few hours of here)

I forget that being in a small town and surrounded by family, everyone is in everyone's business. I forget that my dad is obsessed with politics and talking bad about how the world is going so poorly. I forget that my parents closely resemble horders and the amount of stuff in their lives makes me want to gag a little bit, and of their stuff, a lot of it isn't useful, and it just sits in piles waiting to be used, I just want to throw it all away.

I love sitting at my family's table. I love that we use cloth napkins and that they are always on the wrong side with all 3 utensils on it. I love that my mom wants to spend time with me and will do acts of service left and right for me to feel at home. I love how safe I feel around my parents. How any problem isn't too big when they are around and that they have my back. They may be mad at me, but they will take care of me, no matter what.

I may be different here; it is a whole different world than what I live now day to day, but I love it. I kinda want to come back more than I realized. I wish I had a career aspiration here; I would need to work and make money if I move and settle back to the homeland.

weekend with cousins

Last August I went from barely knowing my cousin to falling in deep love with her and her family when they came out to California to visit me. I knew that I had to come home for a family event (with the other side of my family) and wanted so badly to make sure that I saw my cousin and her kids/husband this year.

I just got back from a great weekend with them! It was amazing! There is something special about this family! I joined them on their weekend ritual to go camping in their camper on up the lake. We packed our weekend with sunny fishing, s'mores, playing in the lake, campfires, filleting fish, 4:30 am walleye fishing, tubing, bocce ball, iPad games, it was all a blast. Everything that this family does is fun, and they are so intentional about doing real and great things together.

They are the type of people you always want to surround yourself around.

Here we go! Flying Home

(I wrote this a few days ago--lost my wi-fi at the airport, and just found it in my drafts)

This past few weeks have been a whirlwind. I got back from Seattle, got caught up as much as I could at work, and now sitting at the airport to fly home to see my family for a 11 day vacation. In the midst of this, my boss was out-of town and his parents were at camp taking care of his kids, they came back, we did a big 4th of July bash and a friend came out of town to bring her daughters to camp. Lots of people, lots of good time together, but I am so glad to be leaving. I am done with camp right now. I feel like I am mad at everyone, and everyone is mad at me and everyone else they encounter. Really, everyone is just mad and frustrated with each other and I am just glad that I get to escape that madness for (almost) 2 weeks. Here is to vacation and family fun!

One Of The Good Ones

About 2 weeks ago, some guy called and set-up a tour for a large group in December. "Large group in December" perks any camps ears because filling your calendar in December is a HARD task.

I made sure that I was at camp today to give the tour. It was for a large Christian non-profit group, I didn't even research or look up anything on this group. My tour came about 30 minutes early. I was alone in the office and on the phone cause this man to wait for 7 minutes for me. I thought he was just some person with the group when he came in.

When Marriages Stop Working

I was giving my favorite volunteer at camp a hard time last week for being in such a bad mood. After being with him for a while I quickly realized that he was a little more off than just being in a bad mood. After he left the room, I asked my boss if he knew what was going on in his life.      His wife was leaving him, and there isn't much hope for them getting back together.

My heart broke. 

Comparing life to TV

I been binge watching Grey's Anatomy this weekend. Today after the 4 episode of the morning I had a realization. The drama and the things that the characters are doing through in season 5 are a lot bigger deal than they were in season 1.

They have been hard things all the way through, but they keep getting more and more intense. Main characters are dying. The hospital is dealing with huge lawsuits and money issues; mergers are happening, and the main characters are struggling in knowing what to do.

Becoming Weaker Instead of Stronger

I don't know how people handle tough situations gracefully and unemotionally day-in and day-out. I don't know how people keep it all together and not break down and cry everytime they have to face something hard.

This week has been a struggle for me. Our group at camp this week wasn't orginized, which meant that I wasn't organized. The reason why they were a mess was valid, but they still didn't take care of things the way that they should have making me a mess.

Get Outside

This past week I have gotten up at 5:20 each morning, but on my shorts and hiking shoes and have done a quick 3-mile hike before going to work. It has been the best! I feel good in the day. I am more ready to do my job. Today, I was off and slept in. I made it all the way til 2:00 pm until I was itching for those muscles in the back of my legs to burn as I climb that steep hill. So I changed into my brand new workout clothes and went on my hike.

My time was the best of the week, (I think being awake for a few hours helped with that) and feel so alive right now. And I feel like I am allowed to eat a protein shake afterward which is a win-win (I'm pretty sure I love protein shakes more than milkshakes and they are overall really good for you-- this recipe is 1/1/2 frozen banana, protein powder mix, mega greens mix, peanut butter and almond milk)

This time out in the woods has been good for me. I first started to help  tighten up my mushy legs and to help melt a few of the many pounds I gained this past winter. But, it has been helping my soul the most. I need this hour a day to use my muscles, to be quiet, to listen to podcasts. Putting all of those things together does something inside of me that changes me in a very positive way. It brings me closer to the Lord and lets me be open with my relationship with him.

The Embarrassment of Singleness

This week is camp staff training week. It has been a whirlwind of things going on around me the last few days: welcoming up new summer staff, team building, training, chapel sessions, and devos. Trying to meet and remember what name goes with what face all while they tell me facts about themselves and catalog that in my mind. In the midst of all the fun and excitement around me. I have been struggling with my purpose, stage of life, feeling adequate.

It all started the first night of staff training. The full time was being introduced to the summer staff. My boss introduced himself and then talked about his wife and how great his two kids are. Then he introduced my manager and his sweet wife and their 5-month-year-old baby, Then single me was introduced, with no-one else, then another manager with his sweet wife and kids, and then another leadership person with his cute picture perfect wife. There was a total of 4 single people introduced; I wasn't the only one. But, being sandwiched around all these lovely families made me feel so pathetically single.

My Favorite Place In Denver

I LOVE Denver. Being away made me forget how much I love this city. I love how there are hiking trails all over the city and it truly had the best blend of nature and city an area.

I love the culture, I love the people. I love how things operate. People are active. People are friendly and things just go so well in this city.


I have a favorite place in Denver. It is here, REI. I am not really into climbing gear. But I love old brick buildings, a large coffee shop with both indoor and outdoor seating, their free parking and that it is the "trailhead" to these amazing trails along the river and the best walk to 16th street mall.

 It makes me so happy to be here. Thankfully, last weekend we got to sit in the coffee shop drinking coffee with an old friend and chat here for a few hours.

I love this place so much. I hope you have a favorite place in your city!