Pity party

I am having a pity party for me today. I work in a office where I feel like no one else is able or willing to do anything which results me in doing EVERYTHING! we are in the start of outdoor education season, which is one of two programs I so not oversee. 

So even though I'm not involved, I end up spending so much of my time working this program making it hard to get my tasks done. Things from parents emails,school phone calls and kids coming in and asking for sports equipment. I feel like all these things are small things, and seems pity to try to pass them on, but in the end, it eats up 25% of my day! I that's a lot. 

And I get so mad that they have a staff of  5 people and only have programs for 1/3 of the year o and i am all on my own and I don't have a break. Their income is 12% I oversee almost all the rest! I typically have 3-5 groups a weekend and often a mid-week or two. I'm all on my own! I do inquiries, bookings, tours, retreat details, hosting plus all the office and internal things at camp. 

I have asked for help before, but my boss seems to think he should take me out of my job instead of helping me fix the issues of it. Which is hard for me to move forward in fixing it. 

Okay, the pity party needs to stop!

Conference reflections

This week I went to a conference for Christian camping peeps. I have been to two of these conferences before. Both with different sectionals located in the mid-west. 

If you spend any real time with me, you know I LOVE thinking and strategizing about camp and I LOVE LOVE LOVE being in environments where I am surrounded by wise people who work in camping as well. 

So I came into this conference with high expectations: for meeting and connecting with people, but I half-expected the actual conference itself to be a flop. Well it was a lot more of a flop than a success. 

And it wasn't necessary the conference that flopped, but more the personality and vibe of the people there. I felt like I was surrounded by people who wanted to "up one" you in bring close to Jesus AND couldn't say anything of significance about anything. Any question or conversation I had seemed to be answered with "well I just pray about it" or " you should really pray about that" and lofty words that don't mean anything. Which it was done so in such a fake cheesy way--which I hate!!

Though it wasn't the best conference I did walk away with these positive things:  

•if I ever lead a seminar, it better be damn good and have thought put into it!!

•not everyone thinks deeply about camping, is a unique trait I have and will benefit me in life

•Forest Home is a cool camp, where buildings are built on top of each other, a major road cuts through the middle, yet has achieved this uniqueness and culture that has changed lives for years. 

•their Zipline and sky trail is really cool!!! I also love doing camp activities where my friends do the activities with me instead of for me! 

It was also great for me to get away and experience camping people and my co-workers in this environment, so good. 

Forest Home is a really cool place, if you ever get a chance to go to camp there you should. I took a few pictures of a few meeting spaces, wish I took more to share with you all! Also, I felt like I became a friend with every person I interacted with on their staff. 

Charismatic Christian train 2 of 100,000--Holy Spirit in Jesus's ministry

So reading into that book further I got to a part that talked about Jesus not having any "Godness" in him because he was fully human, but that the Holy Spirit filled him and that is how he was 

Transparenancy

The Duggar's daughters wrote a book and in thinking about it, there is no way that they can say the whole truth in the book. They can't say the ugly, anything unkind at all. In talking about this book, a friend said"its a lot like Facebook, and blogging, it have to have discretion in what you say and you only talk about the good, and you make everything look more great than reality" [rough paraphrase] she said blogging--she blogs, but doesn't know that I do, in fact, no one knows that I blog. 

And the whole reason that I started this blog is that I can be transparent in who I am, but talking freely in it and about things I am going through with the people that I know without their feelings getting hurt. I pretty much never go back and edit it, because I feel like it takes out the realness of my feelings ( also opens the door to see ALL my grammar and spelling errors...I naturally have long-run on sentences) 

Anyway, I wanted to restate to both you and myself that this space is filter-free and the transparent Becky. In thinking and looking back at my posts I often have a teaching tone... And I wanted to let you know that I am mainly teaching to myself. Telling myself where and how I need to be... Or trying to put into play what I need to know... Which is good be because I think I am the main person who reads my blog, well, me and 3 other ppl--thanks folks for reading. 

Anyway, this is a special place for me. And I am thankful for letting me be real with you. 

Hope you all keep on reading and glad that you accept me for me! 

Charismatic Christian train: part 1 of 100,000

I'm reading"Surprised by the Voice of God" by Deere. I started this book about 3 years ago, but put it on the shelf and forgot about it. I saw a friend on Facebook was reading it, and decided I needed to pick it up and see what I could learn from God in it and assess if I need to become a scary charismatic Christian. 

Anything charismatic scares me...a lot. They are always the really weird people, and they tend to burn you and creep you out. I really can't handle it. But charismatic people and closeness to the Holy Spirit seem to go together. So I'm reading this book-with a grain of salt. I have learned so far that Elijiah did crazy things for God. But the Bible says "he is a man just like us" just like us...God doesn't do crazy things with people because its a special time or place. But that God does that consistently, it's in his character. "These weren't the only special people or the only special times. Anyone who knows God is a special person living in a special time" 

The person described in this quote is me. Reading the Bible is typically like taking medicine. You do it because you should, it's good, but try to get it over with as soon as possible (disclaimer: the last 5 weeks have been mostly different) 

Though I'm a skeptic of this book, I really do wonder if it's so hard to read the Bible, because I don't see the God in there, the same as the God that I love in my heart, and do not expect him to be the same in his word as in real life. 

God calling me to wait and love and marry skip is very charismatic, way more charismatic than I am. But maybe to grow and be closer to God, I need to widen up my view of him and let him work in my life in ways that seem only for those crazy-scary Christians. And be open to joining that train, in loyalty and obedience to God. 

Maybe...

I think if that's the case, my life will look different than it does now AND different than those scary Christians. 

At Starbucks

At Starbucks, reading a book, by a teachers meeting of the school my friends kids go to... It should be a good afternoon!

Fancy photos, mint budgets, AND Joseph dreaming

So this week I downloaded an app that lets you modifiy your pics in cool ways and Put words on top of them... You may admire my camp word art above as well as my new "sailing in the waves" logo I created (and recreated multiple times this week) 

I also re-activated my mint.com account. And am now tracking how I spend money and trying to figure out how to be debt free by march 2015. I spend A LOT of money eating out and on clothes, but overall I don't think I will have to adjust too many bad habits outside of that. And camp is about to start full swing, so my grocery bill will decrease ALOT for the next 6 months. 

Now I guess the more serious note. My bible study had us read the story of Joseph and reflect about how he was with people and the importance of having people in our lives. I kinda got that, out of it. 

But I mainly focused in how God was so faithful to Joseph! Joseph had a dream, he knew what God was going to do in his life, but nothing in his life, looked that way at all. He was in prison, forgotten. Then one day out of the blue in Joseph's end, he goes from being a smelly gross guy in lock-up to the second most powerful guy in the country. IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS!!! 

I'm stuck on this! That's God working in crazy WAY unpredictable ways. It helps me see God in a better light. I really don't know how it is ever going to work out for skip to personally be in my life again. It's not as quite extreme as Joseph in prison, 

But still very much an unknown variable in my life. 

In the bible study gathering tonight. I kept invisioning skip walking into my office, out of the blue. Staying here at camp for a month and letting our relationship become one where love can be present (instantly of course, because it's a daydream and that's how it goes in fantasy land!)

as much as I want my dreams to come true, I need to keep my head grounded and focused in on Gods will, not my dreams, as hard as it may be! 

Anoint with oil

So my friend Katie has gotten the essential oils bug... It's this fad that seems to be crossing American...Using essential oils instead of modern meds to heal your family. And them seem to work pretty darn effectively, you can combine a few oils together and BOOM!

    •   Your headache is gone!

    •   your back suddenly feels greats!

    •.  your sniffles are no more!

 And though I'm not a oil user. I have seen the huge effects it has had on ppl I know in my life. 

With that, these oils have made me see scripture differently. And I have kinda-sorta thought about it. But wanted to dig deeper right here, right now. 

First of "anoint" sounds so spiritual and special. I just looked up the definition of it... You know what anoint means?... To smear or rub, thats it! That cuts the spirituality out of oils for me...

 .... So passages like this have always made me feel like it's about uber Christians and there was creepy spiritual things going on. But today right now this is how I interpret this Scripture from reading this...

"Someone sick? Get a bunch of people over here, give them the best and most modern and effective medicine we have, and pray together for him like crazy, and The Lord may use the meds or your prayers to make them well"

That makes it way less creepy right?! I also never thought that oil did anything for you outside of keeping your pizza from sticking to the pan or making you feel sticky. 

I think this next part is really special " the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" I haven't dug deep into thought on this yet, not sure if I have to, but I shows there is power in being real in God and being righteous. 

Wow! 

Sunday naps

Though it seems like a lifetime ago, but it was about 4-5 years ago when skip and mick would hang out at my house with me after church.

 I would always get so annoyed because both of them needed to stretch out on my couches and nap before they would hang out with me. I never understood it, and thought it was so weird that they had to do that. But now, all I want to do is crawl up under some covers on the couch and sleep after church. And it's so sad to go home and be all alone. I miss the days in Denver of hanging out with those boys. 

I wish that my life looked like that again. I would love to have fun single guys be my friends and let me nap on their couch after church before we hang out all after noon--- and really, I want it to skip, I loved that so much!!

Here's to rainy Sundays, naps and living the good life. 

Season of transition

So this past week, I found out two of my roommates are leaving camp early march. Today at work, I found out a group leader for a retreat in two weeks resigned from her job. Another group leader last day of work is tomorrow. And I talked to a few ladies who found out today their camp contact for their denomination got fired 3 weeks ago. I also found another co-worker of my application for a different job on the printer today. There is a lot of transition going on around me. I could of been in this boat, but instead it just feels like everything is moving around me and I am standing still. Wondering if all this chaos is going to cause a mess. 

Hopefully it will help clean up some long term spills that happen here a while back. 

Explosion of emotion (aka so many tears, I couldn't see my phone screen writing this)

Today at 11:00am I learned that I got kicked off the camp applicant tv show. And I felt really good about it until 15 minutes ago. Now, it sunk in the life I am continuing to live and the life there I will miss out on. 

I was really excited to live in a real house. With one roommate, who hopefully wouldn't be awful. I would be able to fully use a fridge, I could run to the store and back in less than 10 minutes. I would be around normal single ppl. I wouldn't have to listen to annoying 21-year-olds who are irritating optimistic plan there wedding and how great and hard and wonderful this journey is. I wouldn't live on a mountain, but instead be on flat ground around lakes! 

I'm not okay. I don't like my life right now. I don't want to be apart of this. I feel so alone on this mountain. I don't have anyone on team Becky here. It's hard, really hard! 

I don't relate to ppl, people aren't sensitive to me. They say really mean hard things all the time. I feel like I am looked down at for being single. And a mix of things with that. I have no value because I'm alone, I don't understand/go through hard times because marriage is really hard. And all this other stuff. I am either alone or the third wheel. Never anything else. 

I'm really not okay right now. And I don't know how to make it better, at all. Life is so damn hard. I can't even let myself truly cry about it right now because my awful roommates will hear me. 

Can jobs retract their rejections. Can they ?? I just want life to be easier. I asked God to make it clear if I need to stay or go. And not getting this job made it clear. But it hasn't even been 12 hours and all I want to do is run away from this place and not look back. Sprint run! Leave all my stuff and just go!! 

I am in a Beth Moore bible study tomorrow and I don't want to go. I have to go by myself, everyone in my group is married, living the good life and it's just another place where I feel alone and different. 

I need help. I need change. What can I do to get out of this rut.

1 year anniversary!!!

I was just reviewing my blog and realized yesterday is my 1 year anniversary of blogging!! Wow, it's crazy to think what a journey I have been through this past year. I am pretty sure not as much would seem significant if it weren't the document side of blogging! 

Well I've been debating if I should make mug cake tonight, I guess I have no other choice but to now in honor of celebrating one year of sharing my thoughts and feelings to the whole wide world (or the 7 people who have read a post here or there... my life isn't "whole world" read-worthy) 

Anyway it feels great knowing that this journey has helped me and glad that I did  it! 

Love you! 

-Becky ;)

The Bachelor and applying for jobs are the same thing!

The bachelor helps me understand the world better in so many ways. And I think I can parallel anything I am going through to the show.. Someone apologized to me the other day, I felt like crap afterwards, two days later the same thing happened to a girl on the show and I got it, the apology was there only to manipulate your feelings...but I couldn't see that until I happened to someone else.  

Well I really see applying for a job to being a contestant on the bachelor. I was told upfront about the process of getting the job I applied for 2 weeks ago. 

1. Send in resume

2. Fill out questionnaire 

3. Phone interview with director 

4. Skype interview with search committee

5. Interview your references

6. Invite to camp for tour and in-person interview

7. Get job

People are getting eliminated in this process, when I was at step 3, there were 5 applicants, at step 4 there was three, And they are cutting it down to two for the on site interview (or should I say hometown visit) then in the end there is a winner. 

And sometimes when you watch the bachelor you think, "these girls are all fighting over a jackass, the real winner is the one who gets to walk away without a gem on her left index finger" and that can be the same with a job specifically me with this one.

 Though my current job isn't the greatest, there is a chance that it is WAY better than the one I am "fighting" over with these now 3 other contestants. I am trying my hardest to not get caught up in the game of getting a new job, but instead, faithfully following The Lord in this. 

I understand a little better though how the girls on the bachelor become so crazy. The fear of the unknown and unsure of when you are getting cut, plays with your mind and gut a lot more that you think it could. 

Bad company corrupts good character

I live with this girl, she is a negative Nancy. We have lived together for 1.5 years now, but I haven't spent a lot of time with her because I didn't want to be corrupted. 

Today, I had an interview. Afterwards I had a really good long conversation with Jack. It was really positive. He listened to my interview. We debriefed it, and we talked a log about God's will and what needs to be done. It was really good. And though it was not all smiles and giggles. I walked away feeling encouraged. 

I went home. And I had a conversation with Nancy. Nancy just put in her 1 month notice. And in that, has been VERY VERY open about all she hates about our camp. Earlier today, I was thinking that it didn't actually bother me and she is just transitioning out poorly. 

But after our hour conversation, and hearing a lot of negative things about this place and my boss. I learned it does indeed bother me. I need to be careful with my words. She doesn't know about my journey that I am on with finding a new job and I know now I need to keep it that way or that influence will bring me down. 

What is crazy to me though, Nancy and jacks conversations were very similar in content to each other, but the heart, feeling and attitude behind it, dramatically different!!  

I see it to be really true... Bad company corrupts good character, I feel that even in these small doses. 

Liking that potential option

This morning I had an interview. It was really really good. I really like the guy I talked to, my potential boss. Right now there aren't really any red flags. I would live in a house, with just one roommate. A grocery store is only 5 minutes away. It's a growing camp, new buildings are going up. They care about their staff. Fixing and improving housing. They are a smaller camp, but they consistently busy for at least half a year. I really liked my interview. I think this place could be a really good fit for me. But, I just don't know. I don't know if I'm ready to go. 

Even though it's hard, I really like this journey. It's steps of faith. I wish that I could talk to my executive director about it. We are really good friends and I wish that we can talk this at without me quitting my job getting in the way. 

Oh man, I'm glad that I have The Lord in my life. If I didn't I would be a basket case right now. 

Mysterious theme verse of the week

Last Wednesday was a really big day, I think this is like my 5th post referring to it! 

In the morning, I went to staff meeting. Was told by the ugly email writer that we are talking about our favorite bible verses in devos, then addressed the ugly email writer about his ugly emails (he talked a lot, and was very apologetic) then went to devos. 

So in this timeline, questions about verses were frequent and each time that was mentioned psalm 12 came to mind. I don't think I have ever read this psalm before. It for sure is not dear to my heart. But ever since Wednesday, I have needed to hear it. It has been pressed into my heart. 

Honestly, I don't really get it. Part of me want to refer it to the ugly email writer. I think he lies and he has flattery lips. I think his long apology was that, though I do not know. 

I love how it says the words of The Lord are flawless. I love how it asks us to protect us from those flattery lips ppl. But in the end, I feel confused by 1.) what the purpose of the psalm is and 2.) why has this become my go-to theme verse. 

And it's not one of those theme verses where you go to because I like it. But because the Holy Spirit is prompting me to over and over again. 

Oh the mysteries of God!  

Rocky coast

So I applied for a job last Wednesday. That is what I intitially called my friend to tell her, before my life exploded with change with God.

I sent in my résumé. And I got back an automatic message that said,  "I'm out of town for 5 days, I will respond to you then" So after everything Wednesday night I had it in my head that I can figure this out in a week. Thursday morning comes, and after telling my friend I need to figure out who I am now in Christ, and I will just stay at my current job while I figure it out, knowing that I have a few more days until I will hear anything at all from this other job. 

After getting home, I shower and as I'm getting ready for the day. I get an email from the job I applied for. Them saying that they want to move forward and  asked that I answer 6 questions for the search committee. 

So at this point. I started praying, for the position at this camp and that if I was suppose to be there that would be very clear. There is no harm filling out the questionnaire, in fact, those things are good for me. It makes me reflect and evaluate. So I filled it out and sent it in. A little nervous about it. Katie was with my boss's wife the whole time, so I didn't even have someone to proofread it. (Because I'm not telling my boss this yet) 

today, I was told I'm moving forward in the process and now have a phone interview scheduled for Friday. I am up against 5 other ppl. The top 2-3 are brought into the camp for a full intense day of tours/interviews/meals with staff. This has moved really fast. 

Part of me really doesn't want this job. Even though this isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I would have a really really hard time leaving here. 

The executive director and I have a really good working relationship. I love working for him. If there wasn't all this other stuff, I would want to be here forever. But alas, there's the other stuff. 

I think i need to talk to him. I think he doesn't understand the place I am in. I was told that his biggest fear is me leaving here. I also know he does not handle good-byes well at all. So as much as I want to tell him everything I really really need to be careful. 

Back in that boat

So it's been quite the night. 

I figured out why I am the way I am (screwed up and distant from God)

It is because he told me something crazy, and I gave up on believing that He actually could or would do this crazy thing. Or that I even wanted it to come true. 

Any guesses of what I am talking about? If you asked me yesterday, "what in your faith is keeping you from coming closer to God" I never would come up with the right answer. 

Today, I know, it's this I let go of  believing that God told me who I was going to marry, and I moved on! I still think it is crazy that God told me this. I feel like a crazy person by having this knowledge and walking about in faith in that seems over-the-top. It's been a long while since I heard God in this. I started to doubt it right as Ham entered my life, that made it easy.I had this incredible guy in front of me, who had amazing faith in God. I see now, that I let his faith "cover" over my disobedience to God. 

When we ended, I felt numb. I was thinking it was because this incredible guy was no longer in my life. And though I am sure that had a part in it. I think mostly, it was that I gave up on the crazy part of my faith, and without this crazy faith, the rest become useless. 

In thinking about this tonight. The story of the rich young man[mark 10:17-30] came to mind (divinely).

 the young man couldn't give away all that he had. Giving everything away that you own is crazy!! He can follow the commands, he can have the heart to know more/be close. But he couldn't do the crazy. He was sad he couldn't do. 

I wonder when that rich man  left Jesus if he stayed the same? did he Continued to follow the laws, continue to almost be in the right. Or did throw in the towel and call it quits? 

I think when God spoke I was obedient, at least close enough to The Lord where I could follow. But being crazy wore on me, and I gave up. But not wanting to be a quitter I deceived myself. Enough so, that I couldn't even identify in what....yesterday. 

So as much as I hate being the crazy person. I'm glad I'm back in this boat. Because without this faith, everything  that I have in God is meaningless. 

Which makes me think "how did I survive these past months?"

The wall

I got comfortable. I became secure. I became able to do it on my own. I didn't want help, I didn't need help. I can do it myself. I felt a need to prove myself. So I did it myself.  I saw myself doing better than those around me.

This brought me to where i am stuck today. A place that though I kinda knew, never saw how deep I was on my own. I am right now numb to God. Right now my eyes where open to the deepnessof my  sin. the deception i myself in my own doing lead me down. 

My friend called me out on it. We were talking, maybe 10 minutes into the conversation she said "can  I make an observation? You talk differently than you used to. Normally, when you make decisions you talk about God's will,you haven't talked about it. I've noticed this the passed few times we talked" after some processing. She told me to think about what changed... Why am I talking differently. 

Well the above reasons are why. I can see that clearly after thinking for just a little while. The real question is. How do I conquer the thick walls I built. And know and converse with the Holy Spirit again, the way I did before. The way I did when I knew God closely. 

That's what I dreaming of. To have again a real and close relationship with God, and know and listen and believe in the Holy Spirit working in my life. 

Slope of death

I'm on a really really slippery slope, but didnt  see it as that, I've closed my eyes to it. Though I've been praying and though I've been reading the bible, im not  open or allowing myself to be close to The Lord. I have become a poser, instead of a follower. 

Does God love me? Yes. Yes he does. But am I walking with him right now? No, no I'm not.