Brave Steps

I have a secret for you. A real one, I haven't told anyone yet, kind of secret. I applied for a job today. A real job, overseeing a byproduct logistics of a major product used in America.

I just meet the qualifications of this job, I have no idea if anything will come of it at all. But I feel good just being brave enough to apply for it.

I am starting to feel a bit of bitterness towards my job. I am getting the guilt talk about moving out of my house to move into a horrible place, to make room for someone else, and I don't think that is fair. I am sick of feeling this pressure and guilt, I think I am just ready to move on, move into a new house and a new job.

Maintaining a great business

There is something exciting about building a business, every step of success feels like a huge victory because there was a significant change that it could all fall apart. But once you get off the group and once you become a big success, your business often becomes a well-oiled machine. Sure there can be hiccups, but overall, things go well if you stick to the routine of what you do. There isn't the reinvent factor, the risk is almost gone, just this pressure to stay at the high level that you have created for yourself. 

It makes it so the challenge is gone, and you're just maintaining this cool thing that you have created. What do you do with that? Do you accept that you are now just a well-oiled machine? Do you thrive in the environment? Do you hand it off to something and build something new from the ground up? 

Merry Christmas

White Christmas's are the ultimate dream, and most people in southern California never expect it to become a reality.

It snowed last night. The trees are dripping with whiteness and it is a Winter Wonderland at our house.

Build-up of Christmas

I have enjoyed so much of this past month. It's Christmas season, which means that I have had the joy of putting up the tree, decorating it, black Friday deals (and really Target has great deals just about everyday this month) decorating the house, talking to my mom and deciding on presents for my family, baking, decorating more, Christmas movies, and HALLMARK Christmas movies.

This is one of my favorite times of the year, but by the time that I get to December 20th, I am a little over it all. There is so much build-up which I love, but the actual event always seems to be a little bit of a let-down.

Be good with conflict

I am terrible with conflict, I am the  best at just getting mad at people, or sweeping it under the rug or adjusting my expectations so I don't have to deal with issues at hand.

My boss is amazing with conflict. Unreal in how amazing he is at conflict. Whenever I get mad at him, or am just mad in general, or having a rough day, he just knows, I can barely ever get my negative emotions past him (even when I try really really hard to)

Qualifying for the job

Applying for jobs is a "what-if" game, and it makes you oh so vulnerable. The last time that I played this game was this fall and as I went into the adventure, I felt really unsure, but it looked so great. So, as I moved forward, I became a top contender and was offered the job.  Then I turned it down.

I have never turned down a good job in my life. I don't even know if I have ever turned down a job. And the experience was something that I keeps coming up to my mind. 

I keep going into the land of "what-if" and keep thinking about, "who was in second place, who got the job?"

Not Everything Will be What I Think it Will Be.

About a week ago, I opened up a facebook notification that Skip was engaged to the girl he has been dating. In the past, this was my biggest fear, but in the moment, it didn't faze me. I felt prepared for it, I thought it would have happened long before it did. I already gave up on that thought and moved on. 

It did surprise me, how well I took it, I was taken back by my own emotions. It made me question if I was numb to God. I kinda felt like I still didn't know what to do, but I really didn't take time to think about, it was just a passing thought. 

Put into practice

"The wise man built his house upon the rock, the wise man build his house upon the rock, the wise man built his house, the rains can down and the floods came up, the rains can down and the floods came up the rains came down and the floods came up

We all know this song if we grew up by sunday school teachers. (though I did have to look up come of the words) and I walk away thinking, well dah! We need to have a good foundation, thats how we are wise, by how we build ourselves on.

I always see this as a judging song. Build your home on a good foundation like me. Don't be a fool and build on the beach where the tide will destroy your little hut.

But today, while listening to a podcast, I realized, "I'm the fool who built his house on the sand."

When there's smoke there's fire

It was a typical Saturday evening. My roommate and I were sitting on the couch watching Bones. We got an email. Forest Fire Spotted, in a nearby the valley. 911 has been called.

What?!  I I throw some flip flops on and go outside to see if I can see this fire. I'm a little worried, but it can't be that big of a deal. One of our maintenance guys is at the end of my driveway, I walk over to him. He is  frantically attaching fire hoses.

This may be a bigger deal than I realize. Some people walk by, I learn I can see the fire if I go up near the dumpsters. My roommate and I venture out there.

Poached Eggs, and the pan's okay!

Last night at Trader Joe's, I got pumpkin bagels, to go with the pumpkin cream cheese. I work up excited for my epic fall breakfast and I decided that poached eggs would be the best to go on top of them.

It's been almost a year since I have made poached eggs. If you remember last December my eggs got stuck in the pan--my poached eggs. http://sailinginthewaves.blogspot.com/2015/12/my-eggs-are-stuck-inside-pan.html I did get new pans and I love them, but I haven't made poached eggs since that day. But today I felt the need to be a little brave and make my eggs again.

my political rant :)

Right now there are so many mixed emotions about our next president. People are angry, hurt. The electral college should be abolished. Overall, people aren't feeling good about this.

But I am not surprised. I think that both candidate were far from ideal. And thought that both were terrible choices from the start.

I have been so curious how Donald Trump is going to do. I am so curious if he is going to change now that the election is over. What will his presidential personality be like? When I think back 2-3 years ago about Donald Trump, the image I had in my head is so different than what was formed in the last few months. What will he be like now that he isn't playing the candidate game?

Seeing the HOW Bad, not just the not good

If you ask me, "are you a Christian?" I would quickly say "yes" in response. I work at a Christian camp; I understand the message of salvation, I know how to pray, I can answer Bible questions, I have had amazing encounters with the Trinity over the years.

If I was asked, "how are you modeling your life after Christ for the past 6 months?" I don't know what I would say.
I keep like I have continued to learn about God, I feel like I have seen him all around me. I can easily pray if you ask me to pray, but following him or modeling my life after him? I have been faking it. And been faking it so well that I think I have deceived even myself.

Burned-out Wednesday

"Burn-out-- I am burned-out." Was the thought that replayed in my head over and over again as I sat in Staff devo today. It wasn't really a devo, it was a lecture about how we as a staff suck. Really, it was about how we fail at customer service, it's about how we put ourselves first instead of everyone else. That we need to give more serve more. We need to be pumping our time with God, be in the word--- that being far from God is making us selfish and suck as a staff.

There were so many true things in this talk, but I didn't want to listen. I feel like I am being pulled to be so many different things right now that I am over hearing it.

Dreams, and reality--move with courage

I think I have been losing this past month. Losing the core of my identity. It has been a hard time for me. But I go through A LOT of hard times. No big change has been made, I explored big changes, but I am where I am. 

I think I am losing more and more of me. I feel like I am just going through the motions and trying my best to not let anyone know that I am losing it (including myself) but as I sit here today, I think it is very true. 

I knew I wanted to write today, I just didn't want to write the same thing that I have written a hundred times. (something that I struggle with since I feel like I have been stuck in a hard place for such a long time now) so I went back and read, went back to all the times I have written before. 

Maybe someday

I made the decision to not move forward with the midwest job and have had so many mixed feelings about that decision. I overall don't think it was a good fit for me. But I have had many many days in the last 3 weeks where I have thought, "why am I still here" "this is so hard, why did I say no to that job?"

Because things have been really really hard. My job is so tough this past few weeks. I feel like I am playing catch-up and there will never be a hope of being to a point where I feel caught up. I may have to move at camp, to a really terrible house. I don't want to move at all. My house/home life was one of the big reasons I made my decision to stay.

Got the feeling #midwestjobinterview

"I just don't think this is right" is the thought I have had all afternoon. Everyone has been so nice to me. There hasn't been any giant red flag. The place is nice, its in a great spot in town, it's close to family, but I had this tinge of doubt all day (and before about it)

Today, I went on  a tour of possible houses that I would live in, one was okay (kinda bad, but not the worst) the second was AMAZING!!!!! AMAZING!!!! I was only 1 bedroom, super cute, had a private back yard, right at camp, but oh so slightly off camp. (and painted a different color so it didn't look like a camp house)

Quiet before the Interview #midwestjobinterview

I think in about an hour I have my official interview. This morning I spent time running (which by the way, I stink at when I go by myself, I was at 8 minutes and decided it was time to walk)

This place is beautiful! There are so many people near us, there are these awesome hiking trails within 1/2 mile of camp plus a state park plus this camp is on a Lake. I am realizing how much it is a family camp. And I really really think that is amazing! I met Amber, she is a wife of a worker here, and is a stay-at-home mom. She came to lunch and I was able to hang-out with her this afternoon. She gave me a tour. And I got to see into all of their cabins.
These cabins are AWESOME!!!! They are old, with the really cool wood floors. They have no insulation, so every wall just is wood with all of the studs showing. Most of them have cute mini kitchens.
There are some normal houses in the midst of camp houses, and overalll the space is really small, but every inch of it is cool.

Getting Settled #midwestjobinterview

I made it to camp. My connecting flight was great. I watched half of "The Intern" preparing myself for the week.

I flew into a small airport. An airport that was surrounded by farmland, I'm pretty sure that there aren't any sky scapers around, there were only really really old people on my flight. I went outside to get picked-up by 2 people I didn't know, that made me a little nervous that I was getting picked up by people I didn't know.

They pulled up in their minivan; I met Gabby and Travis. Gabby currently has the job that I am applying for; I learned a lot about them on our car ride. I really like them. They gave me some pretty good insight of things at camp. They are both leaving on good terms here and have plans to volunteer every summer for the next couple of years.

Heading out #midwestjobinterview

Packing up for a trip and heading out changes me a little bit. It isn't hard for me to do, but doing it makes me feel a little braver. It makes me feel like I can do anything because I am able to get through security with by bag, enter in a megaplex, find my flight and be in a different part of the world. Many things can happen in this process. Missed flights, snowstorms, delays, can't get through security etc. But it is something that I love to tackle. 

Today I am flying to the Midwest for a job interview. Whew, And I'm at a point where I don't know if I want this job, I don't know if I want to start over my life, I don't know if I want to move. 

Hurricane Head

Timing:

My hurricane's timing is so interesting to me. There are a lot of things happening and when they happen they seem significant.

The day that I got a response to have an interview happened while right after I had a major melt-down. I saw the email at the start of a conversation change how I do my job. After crying for 2 hours. Things are fast. But as I got off the phone with the director who wanted invited me to come out to see their camp, I remembered that at this exact time--3:00 pm on the Friday before Labor day, I got the same call with a job offer and plane ticket to come see the camp I currently work at.

About this time last year I went on a spontaneous trip to the midwest as well, only planning it a few days before I departed. This year, my manager has a brother that will be in town the same time that I am out of town. We are flying in and out on the same day---not planned at all (but made it very very easy to get a ride to the airport :))