The Fights In Life

Today I had the pleasure of spending the day with a very dear family of mine. I'm not related to them, but I spend enough time with them that sometimes it feels like I am.

Well, I have learned when you are around people enough, you get to see their true real selves-- and don't hold back when they are mad at each other just because you are around. I am not exactly sure when the undertones of conflict actually started, it seemed to be there the entire day. But a simple comment of "wheres my shoe?" as we walked out of Subway cause the big fight of the day that when on-and-on-and on. This fight went from yelling words, to very stern talking to each other, to silences, to " I'm sorry that I spoke to you" apologies and back a few times.

I'm not writing this to recap some people you don't know petty fight from today, but being in the midst of this argument--I spent a lot of time in thought-- thinking about how this fight is going down, comparing it to other couple's fight style and how conflict happen within my family growing up.

My mom was a stay-at-home mom and she is very easy going, but we did have conflict at times. Whenever I had conflict with my mom it was something that I could handle. I never felt scared, I never felt like this situation was more than I could handle. I felt like I could share with her my feelings in the situation, even if I was ugly in the process, I knew it would be okay and we would be okay in the end.

However, when my dad was around conflict was the scariest thing that could happen. He would explode in anger, though he was never violent to any person when he was mad, how he reacted was was in his anger hurt you to the core. I never was allowed to respond to his anger, I could not explain why I did what I did that resulted in the anger towards me.

Often the anger was not justifiable. Most of the time I could easily see the other side of the coin and why the other party did this "injustice" towards my dad, typically it was just a poor judgement call, not out of malice. Often it wasn't even a real poor-judgement call, it just wasn't my dad's prefer way of doing things. But it always killed me that he got to be right, because he set-up the situation to where you can't say a thing, and if you did, the anger towards that person plus 10 times more would be thrown at you AND you would hurt his feelings in the process and have to apologize later for it.

In some ways, I think I was wise beyond my years in the subject of anger, I would get so upset and hurt by the way my dad would treat people. As a high school-er, I wanted to move far away and in a place where I wasn't under my dad's authority because I didn't want this angry and way of living ever to be my norm. I never wanted to be or around that response to anger on a daily basis. I didn't want to live with the fear of having everything be find than "snap" everyone is on edge because of anger. I could see that it was not okay and never want to live where I began to believe that it was okay.

We never make it out of our childhood free and clear of the things that our parents taught, molded and lived out in their lives.

To this day, I am okay in handling conflict with women. I don't like it, but I am fairy emotionally stable during the process. When I have conflict with men, especially men who are powerful, I come back to the mindset of the scared kid I once was.

And I don't know how to handle or react to women who break the rules that my house had of how to behave when dad is mad. Especially when it is a wife responding to her husband. I immediately want to correct the wife--they are breaking all the rules. I immediately expect and see my dad's raw emotions come out of the husband, that the rest of the week is going to be completely ruined by this stupid back-talk reaction that you should've kept to yourself.

That has never been the case. Walking away from these situations and thinking about it later, I see amazing things in these conflicts that I was on edge about before. These women marry men that they feel free to speak openly and honestly to, even if its ugly and terrible in the moment. They have this sense that everything will be okay once this conflict is settled, like how it is with me and my mom. I don't always agree with what they say, it is often very hurtful- but there is something magical in being able to say hurtful things to people we love and they still love you even after you said it.

That could of been the case with my dad. I don't know if he would ever stop loving me if I reacted differently to his anger. But I am too scared to find out. Even now, when I am practically 30 years old, I fear my dad. I fear making him angry. I fear the wrath of his anger towards me. I will not test that water anytime soon if I can help it.

Is that truth?

I work with a girl who worked at camp a few years ago where things were not good-- MANY hours, micromanaged, misguiding leadership that has stories that seem fictional. Well, this girl one day was sat down in the director's office and got fired. A few months went by and she was hired at my camp.

Today at dinner she was sitting at the same table as me and said that "The Lord made it clear that the camp I was serving at in New York wasn't the place I needed to be and thats when I started looking and came here to this camp"

Is that honest?

In a way it's true, The Lord made it clear that she needed to go a new direction because she was no longer allowed on the grounds of the last camp. But is it fair to say "the Lord made it clear" it seems like your old director is the one who made it clear-- because he fired you.

It makes it sound like this BIG spiritual decision, it always seems like we are right when we throw a little "LORD" "God" or "Jesus" into our words when we are trying to make us look better in our mistakes. The verbal image of the past is different in saying "the LORD made it clear that I needed to find a new camp to serve HIM at" than saying "I had a difficult boss at my last job, and one day he fired me. Which worked out great, because I now get to work at this camp where I love to serve at "

I think when you get down at it, they both technically in the "true" column. BUT  I wouldn't call them both honest. Honest goes a lot deeper into saying the true facts, It goes into your heart, motive and sharing other factors that going on that relates to the real deal.

I don't agree with  lying overall, but it really bothers me in hearing and seeing "the LORD" being used to cover up honestly and real things in life. Because being dishonest like this can hurt who you are in the end.

sit and talk-- friends matter

Tonight I got to sit on a friends couch and talk for a really long time (we are talking 3 hours) I love that I have a friend who I can COMPLETELY trust and experiences the same life that I live. I think that talking and being around people that you trust is the best. It helps make all those thoughts that float in your head come out and allows you to see if they are reality or craziness that I made up. My August has been chaos. I feel like I am so out of my routine, out of a stable emotional mind and really need to talk things out.

I often wonder about all the incredible wonderful people I have had in my life. I feel like I expect most to be terrible or at least of untrustworthy, but I have been SO honored by getting to know and do life with and grow with incredible people. I have been mentored and have grown leaps and bounds by the influence of incredible people.

I don't deserve to have my life surrounded by amazing people-- I am really terrible at returning the favor, I am not thoughtful, caring our welcoming in the way that people are with me. I don't give great advice or walk people through hard situations like others have done for me. I feel like I have so many friends that are wise and have this insight that I can't even dream to achieve. I am thankful that they pour into me and make me the person I am now, and the person that I may become.

I know that I can do very little on my own. I have been struggling at seeing my worth and bring myself down this whirlwind of thoughts of seeing me as the problem and that I should leave the picture (my job) so that everything will work out. I can see the real problems, they are clearly in front of me, but I don't see facing them to bring a solution, instead I am the only problem by addressing all these other things going on.

Does that even make sense to you? It's my own thoughts and I get lost in them. I also come to a place where I have all of these feelings but do not know the source of them. I have a hard time identifying the key words that made me feel this way but instead get stuck in swimming around in the emotions I felt when those words were spoken to me.

I will always continue to be a mess until I talk out the feelings that I am experiencing. Sometimes it is here, on this blog-- which explains the crazy posts that you never know what to do with. It also happens with real people. With my boss when it is work related, friends when it is anything. Because we all need to have people in our life that we can trust be real with--to sit and talk about real things with.

lots of feelings for a few words spoken

Words are powerful. They really are powerful. 4 days ago I had a sit-down meeting with my new manager and have been a wreck ever since. I have cried more in the last 4 days than this whole year put together.  The issues addressed in the meeting were a concern of mine, but, the more and more time went by the more I became concerned about me and my reaction to the situation.

I cried a lot, a lot of lot, whenever I was alone, in the office, tears just came out of me. I didn't focus on the conversation that made me upset, but instead, I thought about my worth to camp, and made myself believe that I need to leave because I am wrong and can't do what needs to be done at this camp.

My boss is who I go to when I am over my head, but he was officiating a wedding on Saturday, and he himself was a mess about some other thing going on at camp. After 3 full hours of being this complete fear-filled mess who felt like I have gone to him too many times with very similar things that I have gone through before, I texted him. I asked him if we could meet next week and go over some things that me and the manager talked about.

My boss can't handle not knowing the conflict right away, he needs to know what is going on in real time, I texted him some of the situation and he ended up in the office about an hour after our text conversation. He was PISSED!  Thankfully, not at me, but at the things that my new manager was asking me to do.

In that moment, I felt so much better in having my hurt feelings shared. I was no longer going down this with these negative self feelings, but instead felt like my hurt feelings were acceptable because sharing my experience gave someone the same feelings that I was feeling.

I wasn't instantly better. I continued to cry was I was alone in the office (interestingly, I never cried when I was at my house, only at work) I worked the following day, Sunday, and being alone in the office after the day before, I was a mess, I didn't want to email a soul or do anything at all because I felt so hurt, so worthless. I did the easiest job ever and left early.

I got a text from my boss,

Which I answered honestly to, I sad that "Im still really upset about the conversation yesterday with my manager and I left early partly because of that and that no one was at camp" -- I got the kindest response. My boss wrote me:

That is nice. But now I'm in a big mess, I just went over my manager's head to his boss, how do I actually get this fixed without throwing myself under the bus, plus make it so that me and my new manager can actually work together in the process.

A lot happened, Monday came, the tears didn't stop rolling, I was a HUGE HUGE mess! My boss who was dealing with another big problem (there is a lot of problems where I work) but I made him cut it short because I could not get myself to sit at my desk and start doing what I needed to be doing. My boss came into my office and we talked about the situation, I cried, he looked sharply into the distance and we were silent for a long while, his was hard for him to hear, it was hard for me to share. I couldn't remember all that my manager said to me at this point, I just remembered how hurt I felt and how I so wanted to leave this place forever, simply walk out and not deal with feeling like what I am doing is wrong and hurtful to camp, when I was taught to do it this way.  This ended up being half of my day-- seating with my boss, later him and his wife-- thinking, deciding how to handle this situation and not have me a basket case.

Today came.  The 3 of us had a sit down meeting. I was mainly silent. which was good, I needed to be silent. But it was hard. really hard. I didn't even know what the specifics were being spoken about at times because I was so overwhelmed by this situation. There was lots of circle talk the same subject got talked about multiple times over. My assignment tonight was to text my boss my thoughts on the conversation. I don't really even know what they are. I kinda feel great about it, because good and big things became address, i also feel horrible about it because the heart of the matter wasn't addressed and will need to be talked about tomorrow in part 2 of this meeting and part of me still feels so unwanted, and that I cause and create all this conflict and without me in this picture or within a leadership role we wouldn't have to do these meetings or deal with these type of situations.

I have stopped and thought about it, I still do not know what I am to write to my boss, I don't know what to say even.

But after all of this I have had one consistent thought. I need to go into counseling. It is not normal to think or process conflict the way I do. FLEE shouldn't be my every thought and reaction to hard situations. I shouldn't think that me leaving the situation will magically get the situation taken care of. I have been looking at jobs, but none seem to fit  what I want, and I don't even know what I want. so now I am looking into going into counseling.

Cease selfishness

I have had a hard time being kind lately. I feel this need to talk poorly about everyone. I am having a hard time doing my job, having a hard time connecting and talking to people.

I want to do all these things. I want to become a person who reads all these books. I want to become wise, stable mind and capable to do more than I can do now. I want to be confident. But I keep discovering that I can't do this on my own strength. Not even on some of my own strength. I need to FULLY rely on God and have him work in me to accomplish (really become) the person he wants me to be.

Have you read the "Circle Maker" I haven't, but I was talking to a friend on Sunday who just finished it. In our short 15 minute conversation, I learned how the Holy Spirit has been working in her life so intensely so clearly and this all changed because she invited him to come and work in her life and she was activity seeking Him. Asking Him to work and speak to her.

I need that so much. I have been working up to it. But it has a journey. I have so much junk in my life. I have so much selfishness in my that I get distracted by my own needs instead of staying focus on what God wants me to be focus on.

Confidence

I lack confidence in many many areas of my life. Confidence if I am doing the right thing, confidence to speak in authority, confidence to stand up for what is right. 

But I am confident in one thing: the Lord spoke and told me that one day Skip and I will be married. I am confident that God will do as he says. I am confident that I will be strong enough and prepared to make our marriage last once we get to that point. 

Many times are we told not to speak "the Lord told me to do..." As it makes it so we can't have wise counsel from fellow believers. It shuts them down because if God says, God said. 

But how the Lord spoke to me about Skip gives me confidence to say,"the Lord told me that I am going to marry Skip" and I think He did it that way because any wise counsel would tell me that this plan is crazy, CRAZY! 

I would say it's crazy to anyone it happened to who wasn't me. But it happened to me. And I am so thankful. 

skip is someone who is worth waiting for. skip is someone who is not only perfect for me to spend the rest of my life with, but arranged by God. Skip and I have had so many different life experiences since we parted ways, and that does scared me in thinking how it will work once we are back together. But I need to put that worry on the shelf because God is apart of this relationship and he can make this worry of mine absolute. 

single friends, and life right now

It seems like my entire life (okay ages 15 plus) I have been in social circles where there are often lots of amazing guys, who want nothing to do with girls...at that moment, always AMAZING girls who can't get a date to save theirs lives.  Then, some time passes and all of a sudden, all of those amazing guys are married, all the amazing girls are still very VERY single and off on a new adventure.

I have very few friends, but those who mean the most to me are SO spread out in the US now! My closest friends that I have had in life now live in: Texas, Minnesota, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, New Mexico, Arkansas, Wisconsin, and Georgia. Note that each state ONLY has one friend in it. 
Of this group of girls only one is married, and she was married BEFORE we met, so basically, I feel like if you become good friends with me when you are single-you will stay single, unless of course you are a guy, then you will magically find a girl out of nowhere 6 months after we meet. 

I am glad though that I have so many AMAZING single girl friends. It helps me in this journey of life. It helps me to stay level headed when I don't understand what/how/where Skip and I are at-- because lets face it, I sound even more like a crazy person about waiting for skip at year 3 than I did at the start. 

I am really distant from having a legit personal relationship with the LORD these days. I feel like I am following these steps, I pray sometimes, I often read my Bible, I think sharing who God is, is important, but I am not close like I use to be. I don't seek after Him and expect Him to respond. I don't give Him my whole life--just enough so that people don't question my relationship with Him. 

When push came to shove, and things became hard; I would cling to the LORD. But for some reason right now, when things are relative easy- when I am "able" to do life on my own, I keep the LORD distance. 

Writing this is a little more honest than I want to be. It breaks my own heart to hear how casual I have become in my relationship with Jesus. I feel like its been so long since I have been so real and raw with God, I don't even know how to make it happen. I feel this need to learn more about God, but not as much to grow with God. 

I feel like my situation is common for Christians. It is easy for Satan to get us to this place. I feel like it is hard for people to see and call me out on the fairly terrible condition that I have become-because I can make it look like I am growing in the LORD. I can share what I am learning. In reality though, I am just becoming a student of a book written 2000 year ago that gives me head knowledge on the creator of the world. 

Its good to have that knowledge, but it becomes worthless, if we make that our priority instead of growing and knowing God. Which I think I have been doing. 
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I have been experiencing lots of overwhelming moments of anxiety at work this week. In a really big bad way. I turn to God's word- I read those 3 verses about anxiety that my concordance points me to, "cast all your anxiety on God, because he cares for" is repeated over and over in my head. I ask the LORD to take the things that are overwhelming me at the moment. Even in this, it keeps coming back. 

I keep thinking that I am not strong enough, wise enough, skilled to do my job that it has become. My boss has been really really distant for about a week now. I know that he is really really stressed about money, training managers, and figuring out how to fund raise for camp. Even though I can see that all these other things are taking place, I think that it is because I am doing a really poor job. I keep thinking I should step down so someone who is more capable can do this, someone who is very strong, wise, and skilled. 

I know what you are all thinking-- "holy cow, Becky is a mess, stop being so focus on yourself-- get your relationship with God together, and seek after HIM instead writing a really long and whiny blog that seems to be going no-where" 

And you are right in thinking that. Thanks for listening to me process this so far, know that I am taking steps forward in doing your advice. This long whiny blog helps me to pinpoint exactly HOW I am a mess. 

And on that note, I am going to I bid you goodnight. Sweet dreams. 

A hard few weeks of camp

Tomorrow is the end of the hardest summer group of the summer, which means that for the past 3 weeks I have been a mess. It is a really hard and stressful camp to put together. I have been struggling, I have had tears, I have been looking at job listings and evaluating seeing if would be easier to do that instead. I failed a lot- it was too much things in a short amount of time. But the worst was hearing my new manager words in the process. 

I knew that I was behind, I knew that I was failing, and made it evident that I was trying to fix it all. But instead of him coming along aside of me and helping me. He decided that he needed to continue to point out to me that I was behind and tell me that I can never let that happen again, that I was making things terrible for our other managers. He said it nicely--but that doesn't change how things feel. He doesn't like how I do my job at all, he always want to change it for me. It's a big struggle. 

I really let this failure and these words get to me. I started to look at other jobs not only was I hurt by failing this week of camp, but I felt like I needed to pass the torch to someone new, someone who could ALWAYS handle the pressure of the job, that me staying here was hurting the minstry and success here. 

The past month has also been really really hard on my boss. What has made him a mess was completely unrelated to my mess-- he was fairly unaware of it because there was all this stuff going on with him. I knew I needed to talk to him, but he wasn't in the state of mind to hear my woes. And I should be able to handle this without having to run to my boss. 

Well yesterday, my boss came into my office, it was the last full day of the hardest week of the year and he was asking me about how I was doing. 

In our conversation, I told my boss it has actually been kinda great. Because my manager said all of these awful things to me about failing at my job, and took over this week in working with them and has been so completely frustrated by the same things that I have been dealing with them for the past 3 (actually more) weeks. 

I went on to tell him the specifics. My boss was mad! I asked him for advice on how to make it different, he told me that I needed to ask he had anyway to do it better (it a way that makes everyone shut-up tone) and I said "but he does, he is always trying to make me do my job different- and in ways that disserves our campers" he stayed mad. He wanted to know more, I didn't want to say more because people were now back in the office and could easily hear me. 

Things happened my boss left to work on something else and I started to blog about this conversation, after 3 sentences, I wrote my boss this email. 

Hey, I didn't want to say too much earlier about our conversation because I didn't want ____ to know that [manager name] and I are having conflict, but the hardest thing that has come up last week in preparing for this week is that [managers name] now feels the need to micromanage me. On Saturday he printed off all the group scheduleds for the next two weeks and went through them with me in a very critical way and keeps "checking-up" making sure that I answered the questions he had for me to ask the group leader. 

He said that he wants to do this each week to prevent this week's issues from happening again. 

All these things (this and what we talked about earlier today) are fairly little, but they add up to me that [managers name] doesn't trust me, and doesnt like how i do my job  and that I am having to constantly defend how I do everything. 

I changed my password on my computer because twice I came were [managers name] was going into my email without telling me and it seemed to be in a way to check-up on me and I just don't trust him with that. 

I really think this is something that can be fixed. I'm not giving up on it, but right now the hardest part is trying to make it so we are working with each other instead of against, without breaking the things that we have established as a value with our customer service side of things. 

Nothing has happen, since then, he came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder looked me in the eyes and said "I want you to know that what you told me stays between you and me" 

I briefly talked to his wife today who told me that she heard from my boss about what was going on and that me and her husband have similar jobs because we tell the most people what to do.

I hate being a tattle tail, I hate that I am struggling with my new manager. I hate that I don't feel open to be real with the hardships of my job with him. But I am glad that I have an amazing boss who will support me even when I am a mess and help me figure out what I need to do to make it better. 

Band at camp

The last 2 weeks there was a band at camp. This band contained 2 single guys my age. My boss became best friends with them- I had a few conversations with them, but overall I more had awkward moments with them. I thought one guy was fairly good looking, and I became very self-concious when he was around. In a way that I could tell he was paying attention from a distance. And in that I paid attention to him--

The band had a mob of summer staff fans, I didn't really want to get into that, so I felt like I almost rudely ignored them often. But in that mix, I had super random short conversations with on of them. -- One day he asked me how my morning hike was-- I didn't tell him ever about hiking, he just learned it in conversation with my boss or his wife-- and today he told me that he learned all about me from my boss. In a "I-wanna-connect-with-you-way" but never talked to me again. Sat away from me at dinner (this conversation started in line for dinner) 

Now, I'm not scheming my way into his life, but it was just a lot of awkward conversation and situations that I can't figure out. I can't handle the not knowing. I don't like not-knowing his intentions, I just want to know if he was or wasn't interested-- I want meaning to explain all the situations. And I'll most likely never get it. I just need to move on and make conversations better with the new group at camp. 

What's next? Really, what's next?

This morning I went hiking, and in the climbing of the hill I needed to pray for Skip- his future, and our future. He writes a generic newsletter each month that I get and this was in the newsletter that I read earlier this week:

Everything inside of me wants him to come and be with me. I don't know how that would work, but I want that! This is a glimmer of hope for me, but isn't likely, I don't have any reason for him to be with me, but me, and he isn't looking for me. 

My heart was so heavy in my prayers this morning. I want God to be so involved in both of our next steps. I want to see how the Lord is going to work in our lives. 

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I hate being single, I got embrassed that my boss told a bunch of people that I live in the "single ladies" house. I don't want people to know that about me if they don't need to, I don't need that judgement on me. 

 

Feeling not okay when it actually is okay

I'm sitting at my desk right now, overwhelmed. I don't have a lot to do in front of me, but what is, is hard to do. I don't know what the right next step is for 3 different situations in front of me. I am terrible at rebooking retreats, that's one of the things, I'm terrible at figuring out retreats where people badges need to be earned and half our staff or teachers of it. I'm also terrible at deciding if discounts are okay. 

In the big scheme of things I am okay, and in reality I'm very okay. I can see that- I can see it really well. But here i am, feeling very un-okay about very minor things. 

I went hiking this morning, and while I was on the trail I was thinking about Skip and I wonder if all this time waiting for us, won't seem that long, as in the 5 plus was nothing. I hope not. I hope this season always feels and is remembered as long. There is significance in this time and I hope that is not ever lost. 

Well, that's all I got for now, I guess I should get back to work, face the had things I don't really want to tackle.

Father, Son and Holy Bible

My roommate has been writing a camper devo on the Holy Spirit these last few months, which has brought many conversations on the trinity and how God and the Bible works together. I have had a really close relationship with the Holy Spirit in the past, but in time I have let that lapse- not pursing a deep relationship creates distance. 

But in her study and in our conversation, I have started to think more about the Holy Spirit. I know how amazing it can be. He is real! 

He also is complex and unique. He has become the dividing factor in many churches- so avoid him and the only holy thing the see is the "holy bible" others abuse the he spirit and make themselves powerful by their "relationship" with Him. Others want to know and have a relationship with Him but are fearful of the two above groups having contraversity over Him and  stay away. 

It can be a hard subject to talk about, and if we don't talk about Him, it seems odd to have him in our lives. And when the Hy Spirit speaks, we become weirded out and scared, uncertain because He is just a taboo subject for us. 

I know the Holy Spirit can be a huge and big part of my life, I need to pursue Him and restore that relationship with Him.

Can't live up to those expectations I made for myself

When i am in a certain role, I feel like I need to look like the person who did it before me, if I saw someone before me who did an amazing job. 

Well, I can't compete with really amazing people, I'm not as pretty, skinny, caring, outspoken, amazing as them. I sometimes feel the need to fake it, but I then go down this other rabbit hole. I think that is why I am struggling this week, I have had so many great full-time staff mentors and suddenly feel this self-appointed pressure to be as cool as my mentors--- and I'm not as cool or great as them, so I feel stand-off-ish like no one can get close because they will know the truth.- I'm not as cool as the mentors I had that they have never met. 

I listened to a podcast today  and our evening staff devo was on being a servant-- a slave for The Lord. You gotta be very humble, you gotta put everyone before you, you gotta stand up for Lord in this. 

That's hard. I'm selfish AND my great mentors were really good servants to me, and that adds to how I can't live up to their legacy in my life. 

 

I struggle in being so far behind in life, I'm practically 30 and have barely any adult accomplishs to show for it. I'm husband less, kidless, and don't own anything. But I need to cast all my anxiety on the Lord because he cares for me. 

I need to be not looking like my great mentors and be okay in  having my adult life look different than theirs. 

It's not only okay for this to happen, it may be part of God's plan. 

Skills and talents

I have been deep in thoughts about me lately- about my skills, talents, worth and why I am here and doing what I'm doing.

I often get to this place when it's time to G O! As in quit my job and start something new-- But not this time, quite the opposite actually.

Summer staff just arrived, they have big dreams in their lives, camp is just a stepping stone for them, yet here I am- full time. And I know there's a difference in our roles and jobs and there is significance to why I'm here, it's just hard see it. 

I feel like I have no marketable skills- I can't cook, do mechanical things, I have a very narrow job skill within my job- talk on the phone and email ppl- I don't have a good memory, or writing or verbal skills, I survive, but I'm not actually gifted at these things. 

I remember that God uses our weaknesses. I'm dyslexic, I'm not good at talking, yet I'm thriving at a job that requires and mostly uses both. 

I learned today, that my boss was telling his wife's extended family that the only reason camp was doing so well was because of me-- that is a very kind statement--and I don't see it as true-- I work with so many ppl who make camp amazing. I'm not that skilled in what I do- but it's nice to hear that God is working through me. I often wonder if I'm failing, and if I should quit, so that someone better and more capable should come in and do the things I am doing. 

It's staff training week, I am barely involved but have been trying to participate where I can. We had a chapel tonight, and my boss spoke. He talks a lot about having the Lord use you- that we often feel we aren't good enough- but that we should pray about it, we should pray for God to give us opportunities to share the gospel with others. 

As I'm going through this weird phase where I think about everything and nitpick who I am- I need to remember to let that go- I need to seek the Lord to prepare me for what I am doing. 

-- also I think I want to pray with group leaders about their camp, but make it very natural and not weird at all. I need to pray about how to do that- and opportunities for that. 

4 year look back

I remember the moment- sitting on top of the Zipline tower, hot, sweaty, trying to distract my mind by looking at a magazine, but not being able to focus on it, because my mind was consumed on the things going on around me at camp. 

I cried out to God-- a complete mess, so confused and unsure of why I was here at this camp and struggling with the mindsets of God of those who I worked with-- angry in how they represented Him and taught who He was. 

I remember praying in a real raw way. And God responded by telling me that I was going to marry skip-- saying nothing about my current condition of being a mess. I knew it was during the summer of 2011-- but I found this journal entry today-- I don't remember writing this at all- but I am amazed that I could admit it in words that day, I was unable to say it outloud for a long time. 

I am getting close to the 4 year mark-- nothing has change inthe Skip department but I am more confident in how and what the Lord said now. 

Not understanding the most common hurt

In case you missed it- it came out yesterday that josh Dugger molested 5 girls when he was 14-15 years old, some of which were his sisters. There is media all over this, and there are so many viewpoints on it, should we forgive him? can there show still be on tv? Etc etc etc 

There is a lot of talk about the victims-- and how they are feeling-- and I don't understand at all how they are feeling. 

I don't mean that in a rude way, but in a honest," I have no idea how you feel" kind of way.

 It's confusing to me, how can the actions of sex cause so many different feelings, how can the same actions sometimes make you feel amazing and satisfied and other times broken, hurt and confused. 

Now, before you judge me for asking such a dumb question where there are obvious outside factors that influence this, think of it that simple-- crazy how sex can make you feel so radically different pending on the situation. 

People explain how being molested or rape hurts them to the core, it messes in how they see themselves, their self-image, worth, they have anger, hardships. And nothing inside of doubt that those things occur--but I don't understand it at all, I don't get how all of these things happen to you, by a little bit of physical contact. 

I think I'm not alone in that boat, and I think my lack of understanding and your lack of understanding (if you haven't experienced molestation or rape first hand) is why victims struggle so much. 

Because I don't actually understand the pain, I said hurtful words to victims, I give way more grace to people like Josh bacause I don't understand the big deal of what he did. Causing victims even more pain. 

If you remember any of my stories about dating ham, you know I got to know and understand how porn will mess with you and how ham opened my eyes wide to the that world-- I am sure many people I am around each day are addicted to porn, but no one outside of him have talked to me about their personal connection to it. 

I know that people in my life have been molested and raped-- I don't know the details at all about it--it's too painful for them share-- I see them struggle with it. But I don't get to know their struggle. 

One of my friends shared with me that her heart was heavy for whichever sisters of josh that had to live with him after being hurt by him. The anger she was experiencing by people saying that "we need to leave the past in the past" 

I was told that Mary DeMuth wrote a really good article on this today, I need to go read it-- I'm sure you do too. 

I hope as this story continues to unfold  that I will have heart of understanding-- that though I have never been a sexual abuser or victim, the Lord will show me how to feel rightly and justly for both. That my words will not hurt those who are already hurt from similar situations and that God will guide my thoughts and emotions through this. 

Oh Jeremiah 29:11

If you ever go to a Christian Book store or attend a Christian high school grad party, you are almost guaranteed to find Jeremiah 29:11 on display.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD,"plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Yet, if you google or read an Christian article on the verse, you will hear many many voices in outrage of how this verse is taken completely out of context, and isn't intended to make us feel all good inside. That these verses are only meant for the Jews in exile, and that is what God was saying specifically to them.

these articles have been out for years.

So I wonder, why do we still use Jeremiah 29:11 as our go-to graduation and home decor verse? 

Jeremiah is a hard book to read, but I really like reading the verses surrounding Jeremiah 29:11--- verse 10 says that after 70 years of God exiling his people He will come back for them after 70 years! That's a really really long time!

V.12-13 says 

"You will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

I love these two verses--they are encouraging-- God is saying that He will listen to us and we can find Him when we fully go after Him (seek) 

-- but I just read all these articles saying that Jeremiah 29:11 only applies to Jews in exile, what does that say about the verses right after that? Who do these verses apply to? 

I want to be wise, I want to read a good book that helps me understand this book so much more. 

Simple vs busy

I feel like there are these two conflicting messages that are told to me. Step back- and live a more simple life, don't fill your life with busyness AND go out and make your life count. 

I live the most simple and boring life. My day consisted of TV watching, instragramming strolling and a simple hike that I do once a week.

I barely talked to anyone-- given, I really needed a day like this, but when6:30 rolled around tonight, I was board. I live such a strange life. It's so simple. And a lot of times I feel like it lacks meaning because of its simplicity. 

I fear life a lot. I am really afraid to do and experience so many things. Is my fear cutting into having a vibrant life, or is it helping me stay on track. I wish I had direction of where I was going. 

Shifting ground

I feel like I have said, "I'm so glad that________ isn't have happen" and in a couple of days that occurrs. I said that about time clocks at work, hobby lobby coming to town and now devo starting my day at work. So I feel like it's wrong to say I having starting my work day with devos, but man, do I ever hate it! It eats so much time, it's uncomfortable, I typically don't get anything out of it and it makes me feel like a cheesy fake Christian. 

I waited so long for them to end and it finally did, now that I have a new manager we are starting them again. I really think it's important to wait 6 months-year to make changes. I didn't understand it when my boss was SO SLOW to make changes, but now seeing the opposite side of it, the slow pace is valid. I feel like I can't trust anything because tomorrow it could all be gone. My boss told me I'm not adaptable at all, man is that true. I am internally freaking out all the time. I'm glad the task of my job is stable. I really really hope that doesn't change at all. 

Becoming okay again

I wasn't okay Friday and Saturday. I moved to my new office space and it wasn't at all what I dreamed it would be. As you read in my past post I had oh so hard with this transition. My boss could tell I wasn't okay and in his very self, he came to me, a few times to see what was wrong. He said nice things like "Becky, you are one of the most valuable on this staff, will you please tell me what's wrong so we can get it fixed for you" and things like that. I told him "no" and I'm not ready yet each time. Saturday before noon he told me that we needed to talk before Monday since he is leaving then. 3 hours later I went to his office and told him I was ready to talk. 

These conversations is what makes me think of my boss as a dad. He needs to know what is wrong, and he needs to fix it for you. -- this isn't the first time this has happened, this is just part of who he is.  I hate it because, part of my issue was me feeling like he picks my co-worker above me, and I told him that-- I hate that I did, I wonder if that will distroy our relationship. 

He is going to build me a custom desk that fits in that corner of my office, he is going to move the door, so it's not in my way. That's nice. 

I still really wished that the desk that I got worked for my space and me. It's really beautiful. One of my co-workers is going to get it. I hope he loves it. I think he will actually, how he sits and where he is at I think it will be great for him.