Direction

I have been at my house alone for over a week now. I don't mind being alone. It has been nice in some ways, I enjoy the solitude. It makes me reflect a lot. It's my half birthday today, and I happen to share my birthday (and half birthday) with a sweet friend/mentor who is about 10 years older than I that I spent a lot of time with when I lived in Denver.

Thinking of her, made me think of my 5 years in Denver. And at the same time I have been reflecting about my first camp internship. Both of these seasons were amazing in my life. They were really the best 6 years of my life. I loved them oh SO much. Since then, my life has also been good, but not quite the same of those years.

Part of me doesn't want my life to be THAT great again. Simply because I feel so lucky by the experiences that I have had and that I don't want my great times to be forgotten. 

But also part of me, makes me think, "What have I been doing for the last 4 years?" The last 4 years have been good, but nothing compared to my 19-25 years. I think often time the 19-25 years are everyone's prime, but I am so sad to see that season of my life past.

So now what? I have really been struggling with direction this year. Part of me never wants to leave what I am doing. But part of me wants to have a new adventure. Wants to go and live life as I did in my 19-25 year span. 

Rough Week Recovery

Yesterday was better.

In reading that, I am sure you are all thinking either "of course, things couldn't have gotten any worst" or "good, Becky was getting a little to emo for me to handle"  Both are appropriate thoughts.

Friday was a really low day for me. Saturday turned out to be better. Our transition from breakfast to the groups meeting room went well. I was able to get lots of work done in the office in the morning. No one came in and said anything mean to me.

We went over to turn over the dining hall again at lunch. Our office crew got their before the end of the groups session. The kitchen was so loud. Thankfully, they weren't talking loudly. But all the normal kitchen noise: Washing dishes, moving trashcans, the dings and clings of all the metal dishes is loud. It made me sad that there was so much background noise to their session.

A Rough Night at Camp to Complete My Already Tough Week

Today I talked with my boss about how I do not have tough skin.

It started this morning. I caught him up on everything that I have been negotiating with the groups coming up. He was mad about what I did. He didn't express it, instead just went silent, like I didn't say anything to him at all. His face read that he wasn't okay about something the entire day. He kept hanging out in my office, but not saying anything. That's when you know something is really wrong, but normally when he does that, he isn't mad at me.

So here we were in the office after dinner, and I asked him what was bothering him so much. I knew it was something, but I didn't think he would answer me. I figured I would get, "Becky stop asking me, I'm fine" as an answer. But he told me. He told me that he was really bothered by the discount that I gave to the group that we were bending over backwards for. Which I was too, I was really upset and struggling with the entire situation.

We had a really good talk though, I, of course cried, because I cry now ALL the TIME. I was going to recap the whole thing, but I can never remember how the different pieces came together, I can not get it right.

Here is the highlights though:

•  I need to get tough skin, though I can handle the easy, be friends, come along side the group. I need to work on being brave and handling the roughness and conflict with groups
• I can't let things get to me, I need to shake them off and not let the hardships effect me, if I don't let them go, they can effect the rest of my life. 
• My boss knew all the thoughts I have been having the past week. He said "I know what you are going through, you want to just hid and escape it all. You don't want to be around to deal with the problem, you just want to disappear" Yeah, he nailed that to the T. He actually gave very specific thoughts that I have been having after that paragraph. I was quite impressed how he understood my feelings so well. 
• Its not all my fault, I am not failing at everything that I am doing, I need to stop thinking that I am. There are a lot of other people also involved in why everything is a mess. I am just the one who is  getting the heat from it. 
• That I can actually do well in a conflict. As long as I am brave and face it. 

When You Pray and Read..

I binged watched "Melissa and Joey" today. I think I watched 13 episodes. Finally at 3:45 I turned off the TV. Decided I would spend the next 15 minutes cleaning up the kitchen and when the clock reads 4:00 pm. I would take some time to start reading "Beautiful Uncertainly" by Mandy Hale.

It rained last night, one of those amazing rains, where simply water falls from the sky-- no wind, no thunder, nothing but soft rain drops hitting the ground. So when I went outside to read, it was the perfect amount of chill in the air, with those big white kinda storming clouds over half the sky that gives everything this cool, eerie green tint to it.

I kinda read the endorsements and made it to page 9. Mandy had amazing things to say. But as she was talking about her relationship with the Lord, I knew that I needed to put the book down and spend some time with the Lord tackling my Isaiah Bible Study.

Studying Isaiah has been really hard for me. I feel like I am just glazing over all those flowy violent words but have no idea what is going on. I am so lost.
What is God doing? Who are these people? Why are they talking about desert animals, what does that mean? What are they talking about with this banner? Why is there a war? Who is fighting who? What did they do? Who are the Medes? Are they for God or against? Why are they being destroy? Wait, are they being destroyed?

Tough Skin

This week has been filled to the brim with tough situations and problems for me. When you are in the middle of all of these hard things, you all of a sudden realize that you either A. have tough skin or B. Soft skin.

Today while I was sitting on my desk trying to put out two fires that I accidentally created, a bomb went off-- one more giant conflict that I don't know how to handle. I realized that I have really really soft skin.

Soft skin can be nice, it feels smooth. But when the going gets tough, you wish you had those callouses, you wish you weren't getting cut up by all the things you are trying to fix. But you just can't change who you are.

Yesterday sitting at my desk, I felt so low. I didn't know how to make everything go away, I didn't know how to escape it all. I didn't know how to make it right with people. Oh how I wished it was easy. I wish I didn't have to have the hard conversations. I wish I didn't get my self into these messes. I wish I didn't just freeze at the conflicts and wish I wasn't there instead of being brave and tackle'ing them gracefully and smoothly. I wish my insides didn't feel like they are about to explode.

Understanding Singleness

The other day, things were kinda chaotic at camp. I wasn't really set-up to work in the gift shop but in the flow of the day I found myself in there for a while.

A church leader (who I do not know) was in the gift shop talking to my boss. They were talking for a really long time, it had to be at least 15 minutes or so.

In their conversation, they were talking about me and my role at camp. My boss is one of those people who always talks up those who works for him, to strangers. He always says things that are way beyond what is true (in the nice way). So he spends a good chunk of their time talking me up and then the flow of the conversation came to where I  could start talking with them.

She was asking me all of these questions that make me feel really insecure in who I am. Never asking if I am married, but just assuming that I am alone, about my life living with roommates. Asking me what school I am going to, what I want to do once I am done with school. All of these questions that makes me feel that the choices I have made for my life are really really insignificant and not good enough. (and it made it all the worst because my boss just said all these nice things about what I do, defining my career at camp to her)

Bachelor: Home Town Date

On my goodness. I LOVE this season of the bachelor.  I really really like Ben. I think he is a great guy. I love the girls that he has picked out. I love the dynamic of the 6 girls and as I watched the show tonight. I became really sad that they are not going to be all together past this week. I don't like that 2 are going to be sent home and that the other 4 are going to have them meet their their parents, because that means that the show is almost over.

I love Ben's hometown. It is so great! I love that the girls got to stay at a lake house during their stay. I was so excited for Emily's date with Ben.

I really really really like Emily. I have loved seeing her grow and blossom over the course of the show. Ben talked about how he has seen a new side of her each week of the show, and I have as well. She is so much braver and deep than the person who we first saw at the beginning. I am so proud of how she has changed for the better over the past few weeks.

Happy Holidays!

Happy Valentines Day! 

For a very very long time this was my favorite holiday! Never because I was in a cute relationship. But instead, because I was single and felt the love of others because I was single and could share the love with so many people, (And so many people hate valentines day, it makes it a little more fun to love what people hate)

I still enjoy valentine's day. But the older I get, the more my peers are married, the less love I feel from people on this day--- making it less enjoyable.

Today on social media, I saw this really nice post from a girl who was saying nice things about her single friends:
"Just wanna say hats off to my single friends. I am blown away by a lot of you. It can be hard; people can treat you differently when you're single, you want to just share life with someone, and then Hallmark comes around in February and reminds you that nearly

We Can Still Create and Build

I have been thinking about this concept for a while, ever since I was reading "Garden City" by John Mark Comer (which I think is 2 months ago now.) I think like it is so simple and complex, I will try to be clear with my words, but you may have to read it all for it to make sense, don't give up on me though, okay?

The earth is old, really old. There is much debate of how old it actually is, but we do not question at all that it is at least 4,000 years old. Which to me is really really old. With how old our earth is, and with how many years it has been since people stopped living in tents and wondering around season to season with their sheep. Isn't it fascinating that there is still a need and space for new construction. I know it kinda seems like a silly concept, but think about it. "How is it that not every inch of our land hasn't already been developed? How can there be so many new projects going on with the number of years our earth has been a earth?

My Most Brave Self

I have been reading "Let's All Be Brave" by Annie Downs, and I have been following Mandy Hale's book release of "Beautiful Uncertainty" These two books seem to have the same message. "Don't stay and hide, because you are scared and don't know how it's going to work out, instead, be adventurous and go do it--it's really the best choice" I think my response should be "YEAH LETS GO AND DO IT!!!" But it hasn't. Instead, I have been very reflective of the season of my life that was about 6-7 years ago. When everyday was an adventure. Everyday I felt unsure, uncertain of what was next, but I was so adventurous. I did things outside of my comfort zone. I was so proud of the steps and way my life looked" I knew the stage of life I was in was going to be short lived, I feared not knowing what was next, but I felt confident that I could tackle that fear and that I would make it out better and stronger (with a small chance that I would end up living in my parents basement if it all fell apart---that fear was very real, and very motivating NOT to give up)

I lived right outside of Denver (5 minute drive from the border close) And went to church that was so close to downtown. This church that showed me that I can LOVE church.

My Denver church has been on my mind so much lately. It was a mix of classic baptist church (Adult Sunday School, a choir, glass podium on stage, stained glass windows-70s style) and real-life living blended together. They were big on having a core group of Christians in your life, and naturally integrating non-believers into that, to make your everyday-self ministry.

Ben's Character #Bachelor

I am really into the Bachelor this season. I have a friend (Katie) who always finds out who the winner is beforehand. When I was at her house last month we were watching the show and she asked if I wanted to know it was. I was like "yes, let me guess first" I thought for a moment and gave her the name (don't worry, I won't reveal the name for you) and I was right!!! I LOVE being able to guess things right like that. So since I was able to guess the winner from the first episode I have been extra invested in this season.

I really really like Ben as well. This is my favorite characteristic of him: he over and over again builds confidence in the girls who are on the show. Not in a false "I'm following-in-love with  you way" Like the bachelors normally do. But instead tells them over and over again, you are amazing, you are incredible, you

It's Superbowl Sunday

I'm not a huge Superbowl fan, simply because I am not a football fan. I can pretend to be excited if I am around super fans. Right now in life, I am not surrounded by any huge football fans, so I never ever watch football.

Today on my newsfeed there were SO MANY bronco fans pictures. And I kept thinking "why are there so many bronco fan pictures, they aren't playing in the Superbowl, are they doing some sort of "we almost made it to the Superbowl game" today to rebel not making it to the Superbowl?"

BEST YOUTH RETREAT!!!

This is my favorite camp weekend. I loved tonight, I love have this giant jr high youth camp here where there are so many games and things going on. I love hanging out with all of my adult friends who work with this youth group. Tonight was so fun.

I am a blogger

I have been a blogger for 3 years now, and I have never told anyone that I write a blog, never spoke it, I don't think that anyone has ever caught me. It is probably the biggest secret that I have kept. I have been really intentional at not telling any one about this process that I am in.

I do however, have one friend who is an open blogger. She writes for her friends and family. She shares her writings on her Facebook page. I am so proud of her. That is so hard to be open to sharing everything that is going on in her life. I think what she does takes a lot of bravery. But it takes away part of the honesty that comes from sharing anonymously. There is this pressure to tweak everything so that it sounds a little nicer, and little more PC, you aren't able to ever speak badly about anyone or anything when people know who you are. I am thankful that I do not have that pressure. I am thankful that I can be completely honest and not have to live with people being hurt or mad at what I say in day to day life. I think having the ability to be completely transparent is so good for me. This is the only way that I really dig in and understand the feelings I have so often.

There are some things that I don't like about having anonymous blog. I wish people understood my feelings that I express here, but I can't share that without letting people know that I write a blog. I wish that I could have a bigger readership. I only have people who don't know me read my blog. 

When to go...the pressure to keep moving.

Yesterday, I was sitting in the camp dining hall with all of my co-workers for our weekly staff devo. My boss was speaking. In one of his points, he was talking about all the things he has done in the past to prepare him for where he is today, and that in what he is doing now, is preparing him for what is next. In these sentences, my heart stopped a little, I grabbed a napkin and wrote this down:

As a society, there is so much pressure to keep changing things up. We feel this need to get somewhere, get as much out of that as we can (for 1-3 years) then go on a new adventure and get as much of that as we can and repeat. Over and over again. We respect people who have been at the same job for 50 plus years, but if you aren't there, there is a pressure to keep on moving, to keep looking for new and better things.

I Go To Work...

I love being able to sit at my desk each day, tackle the number of emails that I get in my inbox, answer phone calls and get to glance out of my large window at the ball field where I either see campers playing or deer eating. I love the people I work with, the fun and conversations that we have. I also truly LOVE the tasks of my job. I love putting together details for people, making things organized, knowing that I am meeting a income budget that always seems to be an impossible number of campers to have on a given month.

As much as I love sitting at my desk, and love my job. There are days where my work feels heavy on my chest. Days where I feel behind on getting back to people. Days where I don't know how to respond to the requests that I get. Days where I feel burden by having to say "no" over and over again. There is really a lot of work that goes into the booking and planning of camps. It is a two way conversation, you need to read and meet the needs of the people of the other side of that email or phone call. There are conflicts. There are days where I mess up and have to tell a group really bad news. And sadly, there are even days that I have to under deliver what I have promised.

It's A Brisk Windy Day After A Storm

Last night we had crazy winds with rain,  it was scary. I was fearful of trees falling on my house, car, and every building at camp. Around 10:00 pm on of our weekend staff girls came to our house asking to spend the night. There was a tree in the road making it so she couldn't drive to her housing. 3 trees total fell on the road ways, there was debris everywhere, somehow, an old Christmas tree made it into my back yard, signs broke, garbage cans are missing, its a big mess.

But even though it was hard to see all the broken branches and debris everywhere it made today different, which was fun. I wore a fun outfit, my new warm puffy vest, a long sleeve button up jean shirt with skinny jeans and tall brown boots. I got to wear a bright headband and gloves to keep my head and hands warm (something you cherish in California, never thought I was miss feeling brisk, freezing air until I moved here)

We had a conference last week, which got me really far behind in work, on Saturday I was trying to catch up, but knew with the constant interruption of a 3 big camps going on I wouldn't get far, so instead I made myself a list of everything that I needed to get done today, when camp would be quiet.

I've been avoiding you...

Oh man, I had a melt down what like 15 days ago, and was really not okay. I have become "okay" I don't have this dark awful cloud over me where I can't see anything good. I haven't really started to deal with my issues. I have been doing oh so much better.

Today I went to church. I was sitting between two couples and was watching couple after couple walk into the worship center. I started to cry, like embarrassing amount of tears, the stuffy nose, cry because I felt so ALONE in this crowd of people. Thankfully the lights were down, and the music was loud so I don't think anyone really notice that I was having this huge melt down in the middle of church.

"perspective"... scrap that...This is my mess of emotions when I tried to think about my perspective.

I have been thinking a lot about people's perspective these days. It seems like I have been bombarded in hearing about how people see the world.

But of the last few days, in the midst of hearing others perspective, I started to also become bombarded with my own perspective.

I see life out of two lenses. The "here and now" and "big picture" I have been focusing in and out of both of these views, and I'm a mess. I also have a cold, I am really tired so the strong extreme emotions I have right now I know aren't real on their own, but have influence from my sick/tired state. Even seeing that reality, I still feel not okay.

Looking at my Life From A Few Thousand Miles Away

Sometimes you need to fly across the country and sit on the couch of old friends to get perspective on your life.

That is what I did. Yesterday I got on a plane, flew across the country to my friends Katie and Jack's house. My camp friends that I spent so much time on their couch until they moved, which is now a year and a half ago.

They are out of camp life, completely right now. They live in a neighborhood, they can drive 2 minutes and be at the grocery store. They don't go to the dining hall to get all their meals- out of camp life. I forget how small of a world I live. I forget what a normal house looks like (I live in a modular home, not a cabin by the way--that is the most common question I get about living at camp) But my friends house has stairs, a full kitchen. It is a normal house.