How to be...

I don't know how to be. Which even as a statement doesn't fully make sense. Tonight, I was hanging out with jack and Katie at their house with two summer staff boys. And I didn't know how to be around them. I don't know how to be in many situations. I am careful in who I say what to, you need to be a safe person for me to say negative things around or least abundantly. And I don't want to say anything negative or ugly around summer staff about anything at camp. I think that is the most distructive gossip there can be. And tonight...I didn't really know what to do. 

I felt pressure to keep up with the jones normally I don't, it was on Instagram posts and the need to present yourself the right way there. The type of #'s you use, how many, ratio of selfies compared to other pics, I need not analyse that. There was also a lot of negative talk and judging of camp summer staff and things that need not be said and I didn't want to be there and I didn't know how to make it stop and a lot of it was from my friend not the staff which makes it even harder to fix. 

This summer staff boy has a big crush on me, and I don't want to talk about it with people. I think that is so incredible unfair of me to do to him. And that can be so hurtful to him. 

Katie also told them that I was betroth to the summer staff which makes me really really mad, that's not her thing to say. And I really regret telling her that and tonight she was telling me I need to text him and that " waiting to talk to a guy only leads to disappointment" and wouldn't let it be. And it really bothered me. 

I just sent her a text message reminding her that I don't want people to know that, so hopefully that will not be an issue anymore. And that she won't be mad at me for asking that. 

I also don't like being in social situations where everyone is consistently on their phones. I feel like I should sit around and be on my phone, but I don't want to be that person. But if I don't look at my phone, I feel like I'm just a dork looking at all these downward heads. 

Nothing really bad happen tonight, but I don't think anything good came of it either, and that part is what I'm struggling with.