Thoughts on Lovelogy

Well, after a full month I finally finished "Loveology" by John Mark Comer. I loved it a lot, it was a great book. It's a book where you need to read all the footnotes because they are hilarious. Its a book that makes you think and analyze all the things you thing about LOVE and see if you think that for any good reason.

As I was reading the very last few pages I was consumed with thoughts of what I have learned in reading this book. What are the things that I will take away and let shape my life. This whole book was amazing, but the few pages on submit and love were my favorite and shaped my mindset around it, however, I already wrote a blog on these pages, so I need to choose a second favorite (life shaping) part to reflect on.

two commercials showing too much of our true culture

There is this TV commercial that has not been sitting right with me. It is of a young girl and her father at home making a volcano for her school science fair. You can tell that they spent all of this great quality time together and they set-off their volcano, it was lame. The girl and father was sad. So the dad went to best buy and bought a fancy huge TV. The girl set up her TV at the science fair showing a fancy volcano exploding and everyone is amazed.


It makes me so mad. This little commercial goes from a true moment to having technology suck the life out of you. It makes me so mad that the dad rejected the project he and the girl made and went by himself to purchase a big TV.
I saw another commercial last night that made me equally angry. It was a car commercial. Two different families testing out a car, one car has WiFi the other doesn't. The family driving the one with WiFi has two silent zombie kids in the backseat with headphones on and staring at a iPad. The other one had two loud talkative kids in the backseat engaging everyone in the car. They were pushing the zombie car. Showing how great it was to have 2 silent kids.

I have been struggling with this. It makes me want to throw away everything technology. But on the flip side I truly love technology-- where is the balance? These two commercials clearly aren't balanced. It makes me so mad how they show that people time doesn't matter its all.

I need to be above this. I need to work at not becoming a technology zombie. It is a really hard thing to balance. Our culture needs to change how we feel about these tools. They may soon take us over and we will be nothing.

Predicting my life...10 years from now...

I have been thinking a lot about my future and unsure of where I am going and what it is going to look like. People always talk about they just end up at a place, no idea of where they are going. But they never share, really share where there life might have taken them. I want to take some time and explore where my life will be, realistically be in 10 years--when I'm almost 40.
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I can't decide on one single track, there are too many variables and things that can get in the way of that. So I am going to explore a few different variables that could bring me to a place of my future.
Are you ready for this? I think it's going to be fun!

There are a few things that I don't know what to do with-- My boss keeps telling me that he wants the first opportunity to renegotiate if I ever decide to leave camp-- meaning that I will have a hard time leaving. The Lord told me that Skip is who I am going to marry, meaning that I think that will come into my life and I truly hope that happens in the next ten years. But if it doesn't, I hope that has no negative effect on my relationship with the Lord.
Are you ready for this? I think it's going to be fun!

Possible Future #1
That in the next year or two I will end up in a city like Portland Maine, with a rich downtown, a business job that I work in a office Monday-Friday and spend lots of time at coffee shops, port/river walking trails, and have a rich hipster life. I will own cute boots and scarfs and wear them often. I will be skinny with my downtown lifestyle. Then after a year or two of being here, I will get a phone call from Skip, He somehow made it into town and we meet and catch-up at a coffee shop I am a regular at. Things move fast, within 3 months we are engaged. Deciding where to live and what to do with our lives. We have a cute wedding that is sadly way smaller than I ever wanted. We hang around in our downtown Portland lives for a year, Skip traveling some but mostly in town. A door opens up to move to a port city overseas, and we do so as missionaries. We are involved in planting a church, traveling some within the area, but mostly enriched in our new land. No kids of our own, but have some native teens join our household in our overseas house.

Possible Future #2
I make my way back to Minnesota and work at a camp there, completely in love with my job, seasons that they have and spend all of my free time with my family, cousin's mainly. Skip starts to pursue me, it seems impossible but it happens completely by God's grace, we end up getting engaged the first time that we see each other in person. We then move overseas, its so hard, yet so perfectly incredible. Skip travels all the time, I am able to go sometimes as well. I don't really know what I would do for a job, but something that was administrative and people oriented. Hopefully completely mainstream.

Possible Future #3
To stay and do what I am doing right now, working with retreats at camp, living in a house with other single girls feeling a little lost but on track all at the same time. Trying to avoid the conversation with people why I am not dating yet, want to be married as much as I can. Then one day that starts out like any other I get an out of the blue proposal from Skip-- no conversation before hand, nothing to indicate that today was going to be different than any other. I of course would say "Yes" without a drop of doubt within me, and I would finally be able to share my story, to share how God told me that he was to be mine all those years ago. Our relationship would be very open, there would be all of these quirky situations around it, but soon Skip and I would be able to get married. Maybe here, maybe in our homelands, none of the places seem right, but we would have lots of people fly in and share our wedding with us. We would then have camp be our home base. I would continue to work and be here, Skip would commute and go share the stories of people around the world, but come home and put them all together here, at our camp house. After a few years, Skip would be okay in always being in America and be at camp always, perhaps in media, or another area.  We would become a speaking team and travel with that, share at conferences what God is doing and shaping our lives.
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Oh man, there are so many other things that could happen, I keep thinking about the really sad scenarios-- Skip marries someone else, nothing happens with my life--I don't change at all, parents die, I get in a serious car accident. I make a bad move and end up unemployed at my parents house.

All of these things are possible, but I truly don't see them actually happening, when I think and dream about my future most of the things I think or see are one of these 3 "possible future" or a mash-up of a few of them. Hopefully what ever it might actually come out to be, it will be the perfect way for me to serve the Lord with my life.

When "everyone" is getting married...

When you are single and over the age of 20, you have a pretty consistent feeling that everyone is always getting married, and you are very aware that you are not. But every once in a while it intensify's and "EVERYONE IS GETTING MARRIED" seems unbearably true.

It never is true. Most people are already married :) and no matter what, there is always a crew that is unmarried with you.

Last night and this morning I had a "EVERYONE IS GETTING MARRIED" moment. No one that I was close to was actually getting married, it was all friends of friends. But I still felt left out, behind.

I worry about my life. I am isolated on top of this mountain. Will I even have any friends to invite to a wedding when I get married? Do I need to change my life style? Does that even matter? What am I to do with my life? Am I going in the right direction?

I had a coming to Jesus conversation with Jesus today. Our relationship isn't right, I don't pursue or seek after the Lord in the way that allows me to have a real intimate relationship with him. We are more just surface friends. I hate that SO MUCH.

I want to be real with God, I want my life to be all about Him and our relationship and being obedient to what He says.

About 3.5 years ago, I had a dream camp that I was  hoping to work at. It was somewhat close to my hometown (2 hours away) was a big place with big potential and operates in a cool way. It didn't work out (I dropped out of the application process before I was rejected, but I really don't think that I would have gotten the job) And they have an opening as a office manager right now..

My heart is torn if I even want to look deeper into this job. All their staff lives offsite, meaning I would have to drive into work each day (most likely a 20 minute commute each way) and I would be working with the person who has the job I love, instead of doing the job I love.
But, this job would be at an incredible job, near family and my homeland. I would feel so much safer being so close to family here and it would be in my comfort zone.

As I write, I am confident that is not the route I should go. It does have it's appeal but deep inside I know it's not the right thing for me to do right now. That instead,I should stay where I am at, and do what I am doing here.

In the middle of writing that last paragraph, my roommate came out to the patio and we watched today's sermon from our church. It was about having our life, not about us, but about the Lord and serving Him and those around us before ourselves.

I stink at that. But, it confirmed some things for me. I don't need to leave-- because it would only make ME happy. I don't need to feel a need to be getting married, because marriage right now is only about ME.

Instead, I need to do what the Lord leads and stay intoned to that. I need to serve Him instead of thinking of myself.

Submit and love

I am reading "Love-ology" by John Mark. I am in a chapter about gender roles and looking into the passage that says:
"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything" Ephesians 5:22 NIV

John Mark goes on to define "submit" here's what he says,
"This word submit is hypotasso in Greek. and it can be translated "respect" "yield" "defer" or "put another's good ahead of your own" It does not mean "do what you are told" It means" give your own feelings, desires and trust over to another".... (page 189)

I love this definition of submit. It makes me think about the word used in other lights outside of marriage, we submit articles to the paper. We have freedom to make our voice be known, but it isn't saying that our voice is the direction that we are going.

This brings me  great comfort. I love this it makes me want to be married so I can give honor to this command.

It's funny, John Mark goes on to say that this relationship is for within marriage, that not all women are to submit to all men nor are all men to love all women as described in the next lines of this passage. But I am able to understand this type of relationship with how my boss and I operate on the job.

I submit to him ALL the time, and it is really really the best. When I am upset, hurt, or angry at something or someone at work. I often am sought out by my boss and am asked if I am okay, we have been at this long enough that I normally no longer lie and say " I'm fine" but tell him what is going on, "My co-worker said this to me... I saw this going on and it hurts me this way" etc. and he listens and he cares. I give him all of my feelings, and I trust them all to him. And normally he fixes my problems for me. Sometimes he doesn't, but I know that the situation is in his hands and he will act on it in a way with the Lord's guidelines and his selfless leadership way. --Or he will empower me to go and make things right and guide me on how to do that (my least favorite answer, I love it when others fix my problems for me)

I know that a work relationship is SO different than a marriage. But I wonder how much better will my marriage be that I have experience a boss that loves and cares for his people that he seeks them out and makes sure their voice is heard and I can trust him with my thoughts.

I also have learned that submitting my heart about this ministry and place that I love to my boss makes me feel SO SAFE. Its a kind of "being cared for" that can only come from the Bible. It means so much more to me than any compliment, and makes me want to serve here with everything that I have.

I can see how submitting into marriage that is responded in love makes for an amazing marriage. I can see how that makes you feel united. Because it effects the deepness of you. It may be hard. Your husband may not have the same deep love for you and hurt you when you submit. Giving each other love and submitting to your husband is a gift you give each other. You cannot demand it and be given it from your spouse. You just have to freely give what you have and hope they give it back to you.

John Mark goes on, and addresses all the women reading his book who are freaking out about what he just said. And that makes me sad that a response to something so beautiful so magical would be feeling of anger or being upset. --If it is done wrong is is upsetting. There are many people who I would not submit to, but with the right heart, it can be the best God-Centered thing out there.

I am so excited to submit to Skip and have him know me and my thoughts and trust that he will lead our relationship.

I love knowing that we are to have a relationship with the Lord where we submit to Him, I love that we are commanded to give me our feelings, desires and trust him to lead us with those and our entire lives.

It's hard to be an adult

So many times I make myself see life only from my prospective and allow myself to have the blues with thoughts of: 

• "It's so hard to be single" 

• "It's so hard to work such a stressful job" 

• "It's so hard to live in a remote location" 

• "It's so to have a 21 immature roommate" 

And then I go into the "I wish" mode:

• "I wish I was married"

• "I wish I didn't ever have to go to work" 

• "I wish I lived downtown next to target and the pier" 

• "I wish my roommate would just quit her job already"

But I know that it doesn't matter what stage of life I am in; I am always going to see a different lay-out as better in moments, because no matter what, being an adult is hard. It is hard to be single, it is hard to be married, it is hard to be a single-parent, it is hard to parent with a spouse, it is hard to go to work, work is hard to do. But it is also hard to stay at home all day.
No matter the life stage, there will be hard things about it. Sometimes the hardest things to face looks the easiest from a distance. It seems so easy to be unemployed, all you do is sit around all day, right? Except that you have nothing to do, feel stressed about money and go into this deep depression because you feel worthless and feel like you have nothing to offer anyone. ---
I listen to John Mark Comer (Bridgetown Church) and he does a great job of always adding this into his sermons. We always see the grass on the other side as greener. It looks so good and easy to the married person struggling with marriage to see a single counterpart. Marriage looks so good and easy to the single girl feeling like a third wheel with all of her friends. But we don't experiences the eternal emotions that go with the "unknown" territory we dream ourselves to be in.
I at times, go the other route as well. I know that no matter what, I will experience the hardship of being an adult. But I feel like where I am at right now keeps me protected from some hardships. What if I cling to what I have now and don't allow myself explore different choices. I know that big and hard things are to come in my life. But I have also been able to tackle big and hard things in the past, and I made it out okay, but what if I am not able to come out successful again?
The unknown is just that, unknown. We are unsure if it is better or worst than what we have now. We are unsure if what we pursue will be better or worst than the stage that we are in right now. But instead of fearing and hiding from the hardships, we need to move forward and face them as the strong person that our childhood and teens years prepared and trained us up to be. 

Blogging me and the real me

You know what is funny? My entire blog is about things I never talk about in real life: my insecurities, singleness and a promise God gave me. I wish I could be this open and honest with people I know. 

Why is it so hard to be transparent? I wonder what would happen if I really opened up and was my true self with people around me. I wonder how that would effect and change my life. I wonder if some day I will be able to do so. I wonder if anyone who actually want to listen? 

I also wonder why I feel heard and understood by the process of writing my thoughts instead of speaking them. My words never sound the same when I read the back to myself as they did while I typed them. I never quite feel the same about them after I go through the process of getting them on the page. Writing is truly is the best thing for me to do when I need to sort out my thoughts and feelings. What is the magic of the written word?

I don't think that I am overly fake as a blogger, or fake as a person. But I have these two sides of me and they come out differently pending on where I am. I think that my goal is to allow Skip to see and really know both sides of me. I think that is going to be an important part of our relationship. But do I need to open up and have people see this side of me while I wait for Skip? 

Sometimes I do share with people in a human real conversation my thoughts and things that I blog about (never saying that "I blogged" about, that would ruin my secret blog cover) but I think I need to get better at that. I think there is importance in being real. 

Is home really my home

Today I was in my boss's office working on some budgety things. As we were talking we drifted off subject and he asked me if I would be opening to moving.---I have been counting down the months for my roommate to leave camp, just painted half our house. Now there is a potiental of  having to move on the horizon???--- So that a pregnant couple--my new manager actually, can have our house???

I didn't immediately freak out, but then I learned where I would most likely be moving to-- a studio apartment in the center of camp that is slightly larger than my current bedroom that has a huge mouse problem. I was told that it would be remodeled and fixed up, but even still I don't want to live on top of a mountain like that. I don't want my bedroom to be in my kitchen and be in my living room. I wouldn't have a yard at all, I could never be outside. I love being outside. I love being outside by myself.

This conversation brought all of my insecurities to the surface. I hate that I am almost 30 and single, and I hate it all the more because it means that I can be shoved to live in really terrible places.

I hate that I feel so unsafe in where I am. Not unsafe as I think I am about to be harmed, but unsafe that I don't have someone will truly help me if I am harmed.

I want my life to change so much. I don't want to feel like I am about to throw-up when someone mentions that valentines day is coming up (its 6 months away and I feel no hope that I will have Skip in my life to love by then)

What in the world am I doing with my life? Am I even in an adult stage of life? I got passed up for a promotion, I am not brave at all. I can't even say things that I need to say.

What is the worst about it, is I don't know how to fix it.  At all...

Today while I was blending a smoothie, I had this thought " what if I feel so lost right now is that I have spent so long NOT pursuing and listening to God" "what if He has been wanting to direct me a different direction, but I haven't hear Him, because I have been intentionally not seeking Him or letting Him work in my life?"

That is a real and big thought-- I have been in Becky survival for a while. Today I was praying out loud in a camp leadership meeting and after I finished I realized I wasn't praying to God at all, I was just talking about things that are out of my control and going on around me to a person that wasn't in the room. I was "praying" because that is the culture and situation I was in, not because I wanted to pursue and have a conversation with the God who created me and everything and gives me salvation and freedom from my sins. I have really become a Christ-follower is is only kinda on path--who isn't seeking and having God be Lord of my life, that is really scary.

What is happening to me? What do I do now?

I of course know what to do, get myself aligned and right with God, but how do I actually do that? I have drifted to far out, I can only barely see the boat that I need to be in.

I need to start paddling though, my arms can't do it on their own, but I know that the Lord helps these arms get strength in the course.

Today is the only today

I haven't said out loud to anyone that I am toying around the idea to move to Portland Maine. You (the handful of people who read my blog) are the only ones who I have shared this dream with. I think I haven't said it out loud for a few reasons:
1. I should tell my boss first that I am thinking of this. And I have no good reasons why I want to go this direction and I don't want to scare him in thinking I am leaving (I don't think most people should tell their boss first, its actually a bad plan. My boss and I are friends though, and he specifically asked me to do that if I am ever in this season of life)
2. I feel like the boy who calls wolf. I have almost left camp like 10 times now. I don't need to go down this path and "not go" once again
3. It is a big and scary move, I don't know if I am brave enough to do something that big and scary
4. I like my life here. I want to buy a patio set- I just painted the walls of my house. I have a good job. My life is really stable and comfortable. Do I really want to leave that??
5. I haven't prayed or sought the LORD in this thought or process at all. This is purely a Becky dream. If I say this out loud, people are going to ask me if I have prayed about it, and I don't want to be called out on that.

I keep thinking about how I only get one life here on earth. One. And today is the only today I will ever get. I don't get to redo life.
I am excited about heaven, but lately I am really bothered that I only get one chance of life on earth. I am wishing that wasn't the case. There are so many different factors in life that can change so many things. I wouldn't be so concerned in how I choose things in this life, if I knew that I would go through this experience a few more times. But, we don't get that option. We only live once. I am feeling the pressure from that. Though I like my life, is this the only way I want to live it? Do I want to change anything that I am doing? I have been at the same place doing about the same thing for 3 years now. Do I need to change and do something new to fully live life? What else should I be doing?

If you follow my twitter,(@beckysails) you may have notice that I have been thinking about this for a while now. I keep stopping and throwing out my questions out there. We can be so much or so little in this life. Where I am and what am I doing with it?

Watching FRIENDS 20 years late

F.R.I.E.N.D.S has been on my tv here now for a little over a week I have watched the entire first season and the first 5 episodes of season 2. I see this show so differently than I did in the 90's when it was being aired and I was just a kid.

These characters are really young... They always seemed SO OLD, but they started this show about 25 years old. For being 25-year old's they seem so put together and such a mess, it just depends on the day. -They are doing fairly well. They have a stable place to live, they have jobs for most of the time and they actually do their job at work (Rachel and Phoebe struggle with this, but we all have friends like that in life no matter the age or decade) 

Patio Set soon to be mine???

I am thinking about getting this patio set. I really like it. It is mega on sale ($150 for the whole thing--normally $250) but I still think that is really expensive. However sitting at a table outside is one of my favorite things and we have a concrete slab that it should fit nicely on. I think I will ask my roommate for approval when she gets home and buy it if she likes it. I am feeling impulsive with my purchases but that is okay right. I haven't spent that much money this summer

Urban Dreams

One of my life dreams is to live in a dense old city in an style apartment that is brick and above businesses in a downtown area. Being able to walk to work and really be invested in a downtown area.

Well, my current life looks very different than that. I live in a remote camp, on top of a mountain surrounded by trees, hiking trails and deer. My resume doesn't have skills that would allow me to financially have a job that would allow me to live in this urban area, at least I didn't think so until last night.

PORTLAND MAINE!

Have you heard of it? I haven't until last night, but in researching it, I may have drove through it one night like 8 years ago-- which isn't much of a connection.

I saw a job posting for an organization that helps foreign college students come to America and become camp counselors for the summer. My job would take place in very downtown office in Portland and spend my days connecting with camps across the United States and connecting them to foreign summer staff.

This is my new dream job, it has: Urban city, old brick buildings, camp, lots of camp connections, administrative work, communication driven.  Though I never thought this before, I think I would love to work with foreign college students. I think this would give me great ministry opportunity, it would be fun, very different and new from what I am doing right now. I just google maps it, It would take me 46 hours to drive to this place, or 7.5 hours to fly to this place. That is far! It is opposite sides and ends to the US. Right now I live 1.5 hours from Mexico, if I moved to Portland ME, I would be 3 hours from Canada. Very different culture. I live in a very remote place, there is 25 people living in my 5 mile radius-- and on 3 sides of me, you would have to go 15-20 miles in rough mountain terrian to find any other residents.  I don't even know how many people would live on my block in Portland, I think it would be well over 25 people though.

I found the cutest apartment to live in. I think it would be a 4 minute walk to my job (I currently have a 7 minute walk to my job)

And look at how cute of an building this apartment is in and how life my street would look like: 

This gets me excited. I don't know if its the right time for this at all. There are some really big scary things involved in the process of making this my life-- like moving, having to actually pay rent, getting the job, finding friends, new culture of people. But it is fun to think about, it is fun to dream. I may even apply and see if this could become a reality...maybe I will. 

The Fights In Life

Today I had the pleasure of spending the day with a very dear family of mine. I'm not related to them, but I spend enough time with them that sometimes it feels like I am.

Well, I have learned when you are around people enough, you get to see their true real selves-- and don't hold back when they are mad at each other just because you are around. I am not exactly sure when the undertones of conflict actually started, it seemed to be there the entire day. But a simple comment of "wheres my shoe?" as we walked out of Subway cause the big fight of the day that when on-and-on-and on. This fight went from yelling words, to very stern talking to each other, to silences, to " I'm sorry that I spoke to you" apologies and back a few times.

I'm not writing this to recap some people you don't know petty fight from today, but being in the midst of this argument--I spent a lot of time in thought-- thinking about how this fight is going down, comparing it to other couple's fight style and how conflict happen within my family growing up.

My mom was a stay-at-home mom and she is very easy going, but we did have conflict at times. Whenever I had conflict with my mom it was something that I could handle. I never felt scared, I never felt like this situation was more than I could handle. I felt like I could share with her my feelings in the situation, even if I was ugly in the process, I knew it would be okay and we would be okay in the end.

However, when my dad was around conflict was the scariest thing that could happen. He would explode in anger, though he was never violent to any person when he was mad, how he reacted was was in his anger hurt you to the core. I never was allowed to respond to his anger, I could not explain why I did what I did that resulted in the anger towards me.

Often the anger was not justifiable. Most of the time I could easily see the other side of the coin and why the other party did this "injustice" towards my dad, typically it was just a poor judgement call, not out of malice. Often it wasn't even a real poor-judgement call, it just wasn't my dad's prefer way of doing things. But it always killed me that he got to be right, because he set-up the situation to where you can't say a thing, and if you did, the anger towards that person plus 10 times more would be thrown at you AND you would hurt his feelings in the process and have to apologize later for it.

In some ways, I think I was wise beyond my years in the subject of anger, I would get so upset and hurt by the way my dad would treat people. As a high school-er, I wanted to move far away and in a place where I wasn't under my dad's authority because I didn't want this angry and way of living ever to be my norm. I never wanted to be or around that response to anger on a daily basis. I didn't want to live with the fear of having everything be find than "snap" everyone is on edge because of anger. I could see that it was not okay and never want to live where I began to believe that it was okay.

We never make it out of our childhood free and clear of the things that our parents taught, molded and lived out in their lives.

To this day, I am okay in handling conflict with women. I don't like it, but I am fairy emotionally stable during the process. When I have conflict with men, especially men who are powerful, I come back to the mindset of the scared kid I once was.

And I don't know how to handle or react to women who break the rules that my house had of how to behave when dad is mad. Especially when it is a wife responding to her husband. I immediately want to correct the wife--they are breaking all the rules. I immediately expect and see my dad's raw emotions come out of the husband, that the rest of the week is going to be completely ruined by this stupid back-talk reaction that you should've kept to yourself.

That has never been the case. Walking away from these situations and thinking about it later, I see amazing things in these conflicts that I was on edge about before. These women marry men that they feel free to speak openly and honestly to, even if its ugly and terrible in the moment. They have this sense that everything will be okay once this conflict is settled, like how it is with me and my mom. I don't always agree with what they say, it is often very hurtful- but there is something magical in being able to say hurtful things to people we love and they still love you even after you said it.

That could of been the case with my dad. I don't know if he would ever stop loving me if I reacted differently to his anger. But I am too scared to find out. Even now, when I am practically 30 years old, I fear my dad. I fear making him angry. I fear the wrath of his anger towards me. I will not test that water anytime soon if I can help it.

Is that truth?

I work with a girl who worked at camp a few years ago where things were not good-- MANY hours, micromanaged, misguiding leadership that has stories that seem fictional. Well, this girl one day was sat down in the director's office and got fired. A few months went by and she was hired at my camp.

Today at dinner she was sitting at the same table as me and said that "The Lord made it clear that the camp I was serving at in New York wasn't the place I needed to be and thats when I started looking and came here to this camp"

Is that honest?

In a way it's true, The Lord made it clear that she needed to go a new direction because she was no longer allowed on the grounds of the last camp. But is it fair to say "the Lord made it clear" it seems like your old director is the one who made it clear-- because he fired you.

It makes it sound like this BIG spiritual decision, it always seems like we are right when we throw a little "LORD" "God" or "Jesus" into our words when we are trying to make us look better in our mistakes. The verbal image of the past is different in saying "the LORD made it clear that I needed to find a new camp to serve HIM at" than saying "I had a difficult boss at my last job, and one day he fired me. Which worked out great, because I now get to work at this camp where I love to serve at "

I think when you get down at it, they both technically in the "true" column. BUT  I wouldn't call them both honest. Honest goes a lot deeper into saying the true facts, It goes into your heart, motive and sharing other factors that going on that relates to the real deal.

I don't agree with  lying overall, but it really bothers me in hearing and seeing "the LORD" being used to cover up honestly and real things in life. Because being dishonest like this can hurt who you are in the end.

sit and talk-- friends matter

Tonight I got to sit on a friends couch and talk for a really long time (we are talking 3 hours) I love that I have a friend who I can COMPLETELY trust and experiences the same life that I live. I think that talking and being around people that you trust is the best. It helps make all those thoughts that float in your head come out and allows you to see if they are reality or craziness that I made up. My August has been chaos. I feel like I am so out of my routine, out of a stable emotional mind and really need to talk things out.

I often wonder about all the incredible wonderful people I have had in my life. I feel like I expect most to be terrible or at least of untrustworthy, but I have been SO honored by getting to know and do life with and grow with incredible people. I have been mentored and have grown leaps and bounds by the influence of incredible people.

I don't deserve to have my life surrounded by amazing people-- I am really terrible at returning the favor, I am not thoughtful, caring our welcoming in the way that people are with me. I don't give great advice or walk people through hard situations like others have done for me. I feel like I have so many friends that are wise and have this insight that I can't even dream to achieve. I am thankful that they pour into me and make me the person I am now, and the person that I may become.

I know that I can do very little on my own. I have been struggling at seeing my worth and bring myself down this whirlwind of thoughts of seeing me as the problem and that I should leave the picture (my job) so that everything will work out. I can see the real problems, they are clearly in front of me, but I don't see facing them to bring a solution, instead I am the only problem by addressing all these other things going on.

Does that even make sense to you? It's my own thoughts and I get lost in them. I also come to a place where I have all of these feelings but do not know the source of them. I have a hard time identifying the key words that made me feel this way but instead get stuck in swimming around in the emotions I felt when those words were spoken to me.

I will always continue to be a mess until I talk out the feelings that I am experiencing. Sometimes it is here, on this blog-- which explains the crazy posts that you never know what to do with. It also happens with real people. With my boss when it is work related, friends when it is anything. Because we all need to have people in our life that we can trust be real with--to sit and talk about real things with.

lots of feelings for a few words spoken

Words are powerful. They really are powerful. 4 days ago I had a sit-down meeting with my new manager and have been a wreck ever since. I have cried more in the last 4 days than this whole year put together.  The issues addressed in the meeting were a concern of mine, but, the more and more time went by the more I became concerned about me and my reaction to the situation.

I cried a lot, a lot of lot, whenever I was alone, in the office, tears just came out of me. I didn't focus on the conversation that made me upset, but instead, I thought about my worth to camp, and made myself believe that I need to leave because I am wrong and can't do what needs to be done at this camp.

My boss is who I go to when I am over my head, but he was officiating a wedding on Saturday, and he himself was a mess about some other thing going on at camp. After 3 full hours of being this complete fear-filled mess who felt like I have gone to him too many times with very similar things that I have gone through before, I texted him. I asked him if we could meet next week and go over some things that me and the manager talked about.

My boss can't handle not knowing the conflict right away, he needs to know what is going on in real time, I texted him some of the situation and he ended up in the office about an hour after our text conversation. He was PISSED!  Thankfully, not at me, but at the things that my new manager was asking me to do.

In that moment, I felt so much better in having my hurt feelings shared. I was no longer going down this with these negative self feelings, but instead felt like my hurt feelings were acceptable because sharing my experience gave someone the same feelings that I was feeling.

I wasn't instantly better. I continued to cry was I was alone in the office (interestingly, I never cried when I was at my house, only at work) I worked the following day, Sunday, and being alone in the office after the day before, I was a mess, I didn't want to email a soul or do anything at all because I felt so hurt, so worthless. I did the easiest job ever and left early.

I got a text from my boss,

Which I answered honestly to, I sad that "Im still really upset about the conversation yesterday with my manager and I left early partly because of that and that no one was at camp" -- I got the kindest response. My boss wrote me:

That is nice. But now I'm in a big mess, I just went over my manager's head to his boss, how do I actually get this fixed without throwing myself under the bus, plus make it so that me and my new manager can actually work together in the process.

A lot happened, Monday came, the tears didn't stop rolling, I was a HUGE HUGE mess! My boss who was dealing with another big problem (there is a lot of problems where I work) but I made him cut it short because I could not get myself to sit at my desk and start doing what I needed to be doing. My boss came into my office and we talked about the situation, I cried, he looked sharply into the distance and we were silent for a long while, his was hard for him to hear, it was hard for me to share. I couldn't remember all that my manager said to me at this point, I just remembered how hurt I felt and how I so wanted to leave this place forever, simply walk out and not deal with feeling like what I am doing is wrong and hurtful to camp, when I was taught to do it this way.  This ended up being half of my day-- seating with my boss, later him and his wife-- thinking, deciding how to handle this situation and not have me a basket case.

Today came.  The 3 of us had a sit down meeting. I was mainly silent. which was good, I needed to be silent. But it was hard. really hard. I didn't even know what the specifics were being spoken about at times because I was so overwhelmed by this situation. There was lots of circle talk the same subject got talked about multiple times over. My assignment tonight was to text my boss my thoughts on the conversation. I don't really even know what they are. I kinda feel great about it, because good and big things became address, i also feel horrible about it because the heart of the matter wasn't addressed and will need to be talked about tomorrow in part 2 of this meeting and part of me still feels so unwanted, and that I cause and create all this conflict and without me in this picture or within a leadership role we wouldn't have to do these meetings or deal with these type of situations.

I have stopped and thought about it, I still do not know what I am to write to my boss, I don't know what to say even.

But after all of this I have had one consistent thought. I need to go into counseling. It is not normal to think or process conflict the way I do. FLEE shouldn't be my every thought and reaction to hard situations. I shouldn't think that me leaving the situation will magically get the situation taken care of. I have been looking at jobs, but none seem to fit  what I want, and I don't even know what I want. so now I am looking into going into counseling.

Cease selfishness

I have had a hard time being kind lately. I feel this need to talk poorly about everyone. I am having a hard time doing my job, having a hard time connecting and talking to people.

I want to do all these things. I want to become a person who reads all these books. I want to become wise, stable mind and capable to do more than I can do now. I want to be confident. But I keep discovering that I can't do this on my own strength. Not even on some of my own strength. I need to FULLY rely on God and have him work in me to accomplish (really become) the person he wants me to be.

Have you read the "Circle Maker" I haven't, but I was talking to a friend on Sunday who just finished it. In our short 15 minute conversation, I learned how the Holy Spirit has been working in her life so intensely so clearly and this all changed because she invited him to come and work in her life and she was activity seeking Him. Asking Him to work and speak to her.

I need that so much. I have been working up to it. But it has a journey. I have so much junk in my life. I have so much selfishness in my that I get distracted by my own needs instead of staying focus on what God wants me to be focus on.

Confidence

I lack confidence in many many areas of my life. Confidence if I am doing the right thing, confidence to speak in authority, confidence to stand up for what is right. 

But I am confident in one thing: the Lord spoke and told me that one day Skip and I will be married. I am confident that God will do as he says. I am confident that I will be strong enough and prepared to make our marriage last once we get to that point. 

Many times are we told not to speak "the Lord told me to do..." As it makes it so we can't have wise counsel from fellow believers. It shuts them down because if God says, God said. 

But how the Lord spoke to me about Skip gives me confidence to say,"the Lord told me that I am going to marry Skip" and I think He did it that way because any wise counsel would tell me that this plan is crazy, CRAZY! 

I would say it's crazy to anyone it happened to who wasn't me. But it happened to me. And I am so thankful. 

skip is someone who is worth waiting for. skip is someone who is not only perfect for me to spend the rest of my life with, but arranged by God. Skip and I have had so many different life experiences since we parted ways, and that does scared me in thinking how it will work once we are back together. But I need to put that worry on the shelf because God is apart of this relationship and he can make this worry of mine absolute. 

single friends, and life right now

It seems like my entire life (okay ages 15 plus) I have been in social circles where there are often lots of amazing guys, who want nothing to do with girls...at that moment, always AMAZING girls who can't get a date to save theirs lives.  Then, some time passes and all of a sudden, all of those amazing guys are married, all the amazing girls are still very VERY single and off on a new adventure.

I have very few friends, but those who mean the most to me are SO spread out in the US now! My closest friends that I have had in life now live in: Texas, Minnesota, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, New Mexico, Arkansas, Wisconsin, and Georgia. Note that each state ONLY has one friend in it. 
Of this group of girls only one is married, and she was married BEFORE we met, so basically, I feel like if you become good friends with me when you are single-you will stay single, unless of course you are a guy, then you will magically find a girl out of nowhere 6 months after we meet. 

I am glad though that I have so many AMAZING single girl friends. It helps me in this journey of life. It helps me to stay level headed when I don't understand what/how/where Skip and I are at-- because lets face it, I sound even more like a crazy person about waiting for skip at year 3 than I did at the start. 

I am really distant from having a legit personal relationship with the LORD these days. I feel like I am following these steps, I pray sometimes, I often read my Bible, I think sharing who God is, is important, but I am not close like I use to be. I don't seek after Him and expect Him to respond. I don't give Him my whole life--just enough so that people don't question my relationship with Him. 

When push came to shove, and things became hard; I would cling to the LORD. But for some reason right now, when things are relative easy- when I am "able" to do life on my own, I keep the LORD distance. 

Writing this is a little more honest than I want to be. It breaks my own heart to hear how casual I have become in my relationship with Jesus. I feel like its been so long since I have been so real and raw with God, I don't even know how to make it happen. I feel this need to learn more about God, but not as much to grow with God. 

I feel like my situation is common for Christians. It is easy for Satan to get us to this place. I feel like it is hard for people to see and call me out on the fairly terrible condition that I have become-because I can make it look like I am growing in the LORD. I can share what I am learning. In reality though, I am just becoming a student of a book written 2000 year ago that gives me head knowledge on the creator of the world. 

Its good to have that knowledge, but it becomes worthless, if we make that our priority instead of growing and knowing God. Which I think I have been doing. 
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I have been experiencing lots of overwhelming moments of anxiety at work this week. In a really big bad way. I turn to God's word- I read those 3 verses about anxiety that my concordance points me to, "cast all your anxiety on God, because he cares for" is repeated over and over in my head. I ask the LORD to take the things that are overwhelming me at the moment. Even in this, it keeps coming back. 

I keep thinking that I am not strong enough, wise enough, skilled to do my job that it has become. My boss has been really really distant for about a week now. I know that he is really really stressed about money, training managers, and figuring out how to fund raise for camp. Even though I can see that all these other things are taking place, I think that it is because I am doing a really poor job. I keep thinking I should step down so someone who is more capable can do this, someone who is very strong, wise, and skilled. 

I know what you are all thinking-- "holy cow, Becky is a mess, stop being so focus on yourself-- get your relationship with God together, and seek after HIM instead writing a really long and whiny blog that seems to be going no-where" 

And you are right in thinking that. Thanks for listening to me process this so far, know that I am taking steps forward in doing your advice. This long whiny blog helps me to pinpoint exactly HOW I am a mess. 

And on that note, I am going to I bid you goodnight. Sweet dreams. 

A hard few weeks of camp

Tomorrow is the end of the hardest summer group of the summer, which means that for the past 3 weeks I have been a mess. It is a really hard and stressful camp to put together. I have been struggling, I have had tears, I have been looking at job listings and evaluating seeing if would be easier to do that instead. I failed a lot- it was too much things in a short amount of time. But the worst was hearing my new manager words in the process. 

I knew that I was behind, I knew that I was failing, and made it evident that I was trying to fix it all. But instead of him coming along aside of me and helping me. He decided that he needed to continue to point out to me that I was behind and tell me that I can never let that happen again, that I was making things terrible for our other managers. He said it nicely--but that doesn't change how things feel. He doesn't like how I do my job at all, he always want to change it for me. It's a big struggle. 

I really let this failure and these words get to me. I started to look at other jobs not only was I hurt by failing this week of camp, but I felt like I needed to pass the torch to someone new, someone who could ALWAYS handle the pressure of the job, that me staying here was hurting the minstry and success here. 

The past month has also been really really hard on my boss. What has made him a mess was completely unrelated to my mess-- he was fairly unaware of it because there was all this stuff going on with him. I knew I needed to talk to him, but he wasn't in the state of mind to hear my woes. And I should be able to handle this without having to run to my boss. 

Well yesterday, my boss came into my office, it was the last full day of the hardest week of the year and he was asking me about how I was doing. 

In our conversation, I told my boss it has actually been kinda great. Because my manager said all of these awful things to me about failing at my job, and took over this week in working with them and has been so completely frustrated by the same things that I have been dealing with them for the past 3 (actually more) weeks. 

I went on to tell him the specifics. My boss was mad! I asked him for advice on how to make it different, he told me that I needed to ask he had anyway to do it better (it a way that makes everyone shut-up tone) and I said "but he does, he is always trying to make me do my job different- and in ways that disserves our campers" he stayed mad. He wanted to know more, I didn't want to say more because people were now back in the office and could easily hear me. 

Things happened my boss left to work on something else and I started to blog about this conversation, after 3 sentences, I wrote my boss this email. 

Hey, I didn't want to say too much earlier about our conversation because I didn't want ____ to know that [manager name] and I are having conflict, but the hardest thing that has come up last week in preparing for this week is that [managers name] now feels the need to micromanage me. On Saturday he printed off all the group scheduleds for the next two weeks and went through them with me in a very critical way and keeps "checking-up" making sure that I answered the questions he had for me to ask the group leader. 

He said that he wants to do this each week to prevent this week's issues from happening again. 

All these things (this and what we talked about earlier today) are fairly little, but they add up to me that [managers name] doesn't trust me, and doesnt like how i do my job  and that I am having to constantly defend how I do everything. 

I changed my password on my computer because twice I came were [managers name] was going into my email without telling me and it seemed to be in a way to check-up on me and I just don't trust him with that. 

I really think this is something that can be fixed. I'm not giving up on it, but right now the hardest part is trying to make it so we are working with each other instead of against, without breaking the things that we have established as a value with our customer service side of things. 

Nothing has happen, since then, he came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder looked me in the eyes and said "I want you to know that what you told me stays between you and me" 

I briefly talked to his wife today who told me that she heard from my boss about what was going on and that me and her husband have similar jobs because we tell the most people what to do.

I hate being a tattle tail, I hate that I am struggling with my new manager. I hate that I don't feel open to be real with the hardships of my job with him. But I am glad that I have an amazing boss who will support me even when I am a mess and help me figure out what I need to do to make it better.