Blueberry picking

Today, 4 of us girls from camp went out and did some blueberry picking at a farm right down the mountain from us. 

It was the best!! There is a guy that hosts you while you are there, and he was one of the coolest people I have meet. He looked a lot like Skip's younger brother. He taught you so much about blueberries, his life, his vast knowledge of bugs, the farming business. He was really cool, and his blueberries tasted amazing! 

It was also a triumph because 4 of us who work together did this together. We haven't had a staff where you wanted to do stuff together in the past. And that we were able to do this today was a big deal. One of the girls was my new roommate, though we are VERY different, we have been getting along really well, and I really enjoyed doing things like this with her. 

Good day!

San Diego fire

If you have been watching the news at all, you know that their were 9 fires that broke out yesterday in S.California . None of which are a threat to me and my home as of right now. But a huge threat to the community where my life is outside of camp. My women's bible study was closed today-- due to fire. I been watching the news. It's scary seeing the fames engulf all of this beautiful land. It doesn't seem real, I don't even know how to pray. I don't know that many people "down the hill" but I really hope they are okay, that there things are okay. I hope these fires this week, don't make my community forever ugly. Strange thought I know, but it makes me sick to know that the woods I live in are still ugly from a fire that took place at least 5 years ago. It's scary, some say these fires were started by arson-- I keep getting these flash images in my head of guys with HUGE guns in front of me seeking to make havoc here and start another fire as well. 

It's scary, really scary. I hope it doesn't make it up to where I live, that's too scary to handle. 

 

God's rebuttal to my last post "cannot handle this"

I was real real and real ugly in my last post. If you read it, it's all about placing blame on them. And though, the things I say were true, I did not give an accurate picture of the situation to myself or to you. 

The real issue is my pride. The issue is I think what I am doing is more important than what else is going on at camp. 

This was one of the pages I work on tonight on my Gideon workbook. It hit me hard, I have a huge pride issue. HUGE! And I really need to stop thinking of myself as the shit (sorry for the profane, but any substitute word really doesn't do this phase justice) and acknowledge this

Because that is true.... That is the truth. It can't be said any other way. But this is the sting that stayed with me after writing that last statement: 

And honestly, I don't know! Some people really suck, some people truly can't do any job I give them even close to being right. 

It may be a body of Christ thing, where there part just isn't able to do what is asked, it might be an issue that they are working on: lazyness, self-control, obedience, listening etc... 

It may be an the devils foothold in my life, "let's take Becky, and surround her with incapable people, so she has no choice than to feel superior than others." Or everyone else feels like they are better than me, and  intentionally leave all their crap work for me to do for them, because they think I have nothing better to do than care for their needs. 

Whatever it is, it starts with me, and my heart. I should become a master of time management so I am able to do all of these things and not feel pissed that I have so much. I should pray for God to stretch out my day and make it so I am able to accomplish everything I need to do for him, in the allotted time I have for that --each day. I should take out the amount of time I spend brewing anger towards my co-workers, and instead use that to work. 

This sounds do-able, but if I am really honest, I don't see this actually working. But I need to try, I need to give God the ability to work in and through this situation. It may be a huge part of the process of surrendering fully to God.  

Cannot handle this!

It makes me really really mad when people aren't respectful of my time, expect me to act like their mother(adults only, I can mother kids--because they are children) and not take care of their responsibilities and leave them for me to take care of it. Today was a day filled with that and I am royally pissed off about it. 

Seriously, what is wrong with people?! I have a huge job, why is it that people come to me constantly asking for office supplies?! Ask the girl who orders the supplies! Why do people ask me about their time cards? Ask the person who does payroll and who you turn your time card INTO! Why are people stumping around the office with manure filled shoes, why am I the one left to vacuum it up? Why is it that the outdoor education staff make themselves unavailable and almost everyone of their people come to me and I get to be asked all their questions. 

I am really mad and I am sick of how I am treated. I don't want to babysit this program camp that has 7 or more staff working it, when I have my own job to do that already takes over 40 hours a week to do it well. 

I don't want to be surrounded by people who really bother me and take advantage of me. 

I'm kinda done with all this crap. How do I fix this issue i am in? 

I wish I had answers, because I hate being this pissed off all the time! 

Viewpoints on life and marriage

Though I haven't posted on this lately, I have been thinking a lot about how incredible it will be when God puts skip and me together in his timing. I often the one who initiates conversation between the two of us, and decided that I need to lethim initiate conversation. It's been quiet. But it's okay that it is quiet. 

Skip's life is traveling the world and capturing stories of how lives are changed by missionaries who are placed in all of these places, he also goes to events and works the tech and video side of things going on there. It's incredible. I am so curious of how this already well-put together guy I knew well 4 years ago has been incredibly changed and matured even more since that time. I want to know how the Holy Spirit has worked in and changed his life through all these incredible experiences. I want to know the wisdom and understanding he has gotten from God via all these travels.

I don't even have a passport. I have never been out of the US. And though we have incrediblely different lives, I know deep inside The Lord is going to use the differences in in our life experienes in big ways. And though, I have no desire to be along side him right now, and have peace staying in the US. I have been so jealous of those girls who are traveling with him. Having these experiences along his side. In my head, one of these girls should be the perfect match for them. I see their pictures online, they are typically those naturally cute girls. The ones who don't have to shower, never wear make-up and let their hair air dry and somehow look better than me after spending so much time getting ready for the day, each day. They are the girls who (I'm sure) never get moody, always show love,always know how to respond and act to situations, and are always fun to be around. These girls, are who I struggle with. That, and the fear that skip may never change his mind and always want to be single for the rest of his days. 

Tangent over:

This was on his Facebook today, it's impactful. It's written by a heart that I would love to marry, and ironically it's about the pain of forcing marriage on young teens.. 

In Ghana, I witnessed a young girl being taken against her will to be married. This experience has made me unsettled and disturbed for the past few weeks and when I heard about the 200 Nigerian girls who were sold as brides, I felt the need to share this story.

We were driving on a dirt road in a tribal area in the north and we passed a guy on a motorbike who had stopped on the side of the road because he was struggling with a girl who was riding with him. Our driver, who is a Ghanaian worker with OM, immediately stopped the car and got out to see what the situation was. While I was sitting in the car watching the commotion unfold, I saw the girl. She was struggling to get away from the man. She couldn’t have been older than 13. After 5 minutes, our driver told me get come take video and pictures of the situation. So I walk over and now am 3 feet away, up close and personal to a man who is taking this girl against her will to be married in another tribe. The girl was in a state of hysteria. She kept her arm covering her eyes and was crying out the same 2 words over and over. For the entire time we were there, 40 minutes, she was in a state of delirium. Then, our driver took the man’s motorbike keys in hopes to get more answers. The man admitted that the girl was being taken for marriage to a boy around her age but its not uncommon for young girls to be married to much older men. The detailed beadwork in her hair and the jewelry she was wearing signifies that she was prepared beforehand by somebody, possibly her parents. Other scenarios such as kidnapping are possible but whatever the case, she was going against her will and was fighting to get away. Child marriage is illegal in Ghana but there were no police anywhere nearby to help. Our only choice was to give the keys back to the man and watch him drive off. Our driver called another OM worker to intercept the man in a nearby town for further engagement but the man never drove by. 

I’ve been struggling with this experience. What is wrong? What is normal? My western culture is screaming “WRONG, INJUSTICE, OPPRESSION,” and so on but it was clear that the man had no conviction about taking the girl because in his eyes, it was normal. Yes, all cultures have broken traits so is this man’s culture just another example of a “wrong” trait? Is child marriage wrong? Maybe what makes it wrong is that the girl is not being loved and valued as a human being in the way that Jesus taught us to love one another.

So how do you tell a people group, who have accepted forced child marriage as being normal for countless generations, that what they’re doing is wrong? The girl’s captor must have been thinking, “Why is this guy making a big deal over a girl? Why is today so different than other day of taking girls to their new husbands?” 

And thats where the Gospel comes in. That day was different because the man’s encounter was with a follower of Jesus - somebody who radically loves and values all people. What will it take to mend this culture’s generationally broken condition? The answer is Christ; the shining light of Jesus into the darkness. What’s it going to take for this cultural revolution ball to get rolling? This question leads to a dilemma I have been struggling with these past few days: the concept of “raising awareness.” What is the point of putting this girl’s photo on social media as to raise awareness if the only outcome is that I get a few “likes” and some “I’m heartbroken” comments because the truth is that to stop forced child marriage from happening requires action from people who are capable of praying, giving and going. 

Pray for her. You’ve seen her now and know a little of her story. Intercede on her behalf. Pray for her husband and her community, that Jesus’ message of hope and truth would resound. Give generously to ministries that are dedicated to sharing God’s love to the lost. OM Ghana is supporting a few pastors who have church plants in remote villages. Consider financially supporting this ministry. And lastly, prayerfully consider going. The truth is that to see cultural shifts will cost somebody their life: a life devoted to lifelong discipleship.

How amazing would it be to see a culture, who for generations sold their daughters as child brides, now condemn it because one person came and told them that Jesus loves and values all people!?

Understanding a bit of God and expectations of him

The question above the star question is what you need to read. This is what I did in my homework last week for Bible study and this answer hit home for me. God allowed me to speak and understand truth in our relationship and who he is. 

I am still working in and through things that I have talked about before. It hasn't magically gone away yet. But, slowly it's morphing; new questions, slow growth, releasing of fear. 

It came!

I've been waiting and look at what came in the mail today! This surely has the worst cover ever, but I have heard such great things about it. I feel a great need inside of me (Holy Spirit prompting is my guess of that) to read it and excited to see what The Lord will teach me about him from this book. 

Hurt feelings and a scared heart

I've been a little sensitive lately. There's a new girl at camp. She is living at my house, just moved in last night. I had a really really hard time adapting to this earlier this week. And I tried to talk to Katie about it and she shut me down hard. She pretty much told me I'm not allowed to have feelings because I live at camp. This really really hurt me! I was warned by my boss's wife that she would hurt me, but it still hurts. I HATE that people don't understand me. I hate that people don't understand HOW HARD it is to be single, and to live in a way that you can't feel at home where you live because you aren't married. This all happened on the way to my really special bible study at church, where Katie is in my small group. Making me feel now even shut-down there. I really want to throw in the towel of having relationships with people. I hate feeling hurt and people hurt you. I don't know what to do with Katie. She isn't one that you can approach. She doesn't understand that people besides her has feelings too. I have been thinking about leaving camping ministry and go out and getting a normal job. Living in a normal apartment and living a normal life. It seems so ideal-so easy, so grown-up! But, I know from my praying adventures in January about that other job, I'm not ready to leave and I can't run away from my problems/discontentment. 

I am struggling in praying for reals lately. I have fear in trusting The Lord. I know that isn't his will, but it isn't something I have overcome yet. Moving forward is hard. Praying about the inability to pray is as well. BUT I know i need to push through. I know that I have influences that are trying to kill me, but I can't let that consume me or overtake me!

Bible study homework from last week: 

Ode to discipline (anti-poetry style)

We all know the secret to weightloss; eat less, work-out more. We all know how to get closer to The Lord; read the bible, pray to him, have faith. These are basic and easy. But for both I manage towork really hard at making it harder. I can't make myself eat-less, so I do a diet. I buy a book that tells me 10 small changes I need to make to make the pounds disappear. We do this in our faith as well. We read books about God, we talk about God, we want more of a relationship with God, but I don't do what I actually need to do to be closer. 

It takes discipline. Each of the things need to be down aren't hard to do, but you have to build your life around doing them, and making it so you ARE doing it. 

I sluff off a lot. Even though it's not that hard to be discipline, it's so easy NOT to be. Becoming closer to The Lord takes some brainpower, vulnerability and energy--watching TV?.. ZERO! 

I am now working on living a life of discipline. It's hard. I have to change my mindset. My routine. My whole lifestyle actually. But I'm living better; with more purpose. And I love that. I'm also a different person, and that needs to be. 

I ordered " the power of a praying women" and going to start the real and intense Gideon study from Priscilla shirer. Though these are both NOT the bible, I feel The Lord wanting me to know and grow in him through these resources. So, I'm going to do it, and hopefully, I will be a complete and new person, a better, stronger person, and have The Lord flowing out of me in an vast unmeasurable way. 

Stuck in a funk

I should have a LOT to blog about. I decided to change my health lifestyle (cutting sugar and not having dessert until my birthday--started daily doing 30 day shred, hiking 5 miles (uphill 950 ft)) Bible study started up again- it's amazing, love what we are doing, a few new group members, but the core of us are the same.  I finished reading Acts, and have been intentional about reading my bible a lot lately. 

I'm kinda in a funk--all three of these I feel like they deserved their own whole post, they are big deals in my life- but I don't have the processing ability to go through any of them. 

I'm struggling in growing in The Lord...a lot. Right now I have the discipline to be reading the bible- I spend 15 minutes or more doing so a day(on average) I love hearing the stories of how God is changing doing in people's lives--he has indeed changed and transformed mine. But this funk I am in is keeping and blocking me from true vulnerability with The Lord- I just feel stuck. I've been really quiet. Like I have nothing to stay. I feel better when I isolate myself. I feel better when I isolate myself from my own thoughts.  Not in a way of dark thoughts, but lack of thoughts and wondering why I have no thoughts. 

Today I sat down in my boss's office very causally and admidst our lighthearted conversation. He said he has been really grumpy lately and can't figure out what's wrong and that he is waiting to get out of it. 

Moods are strange, I've been so caught up in mine that I missed that he has been in the same funk and we spend 8 hours a day 30 feet apart. 

Gotta work this issue out. It really effects who I am.

Hike in the woods

Today I finally got my friend Katie to go hiking with me. And as we hiked the conversation of boys came up... I have told her about skip, but we haven't really talked about him a lot. 

I have a really hard time explaining skip, and I don't really know how to tell people in general, and specifically this friend about this neat/yet complex journey I am on with this. Katie asked me when the last time I talked to him was --it was about 2 months ago. And she wanted to know why I don't push that more. 

In reality, I would love to talk to him more, but I don't feel right about pushing me on him. I don't think he is ready for full-force Becky, and I don't want to be THAT girl who is winning-over some guy. 

And, I am very certain that God has a lot more faith-building work in me, that needs to be done before he can show me his faithfulness within this relationship.

I am in a big phase right now where skip himself doesn't matter-- me being obedient to God through skip does... 

I wish I could verbally explain that in a way that makes sense. It doesn't fully make sense, that's the problem. But I think that is a big fun part of this journey.

Fake nails

So there's a women in my women's bible study who has AMAZING finger nails. After 6 weeks of being in this group together, I finally asked her about her nails. She buys them in a box at target and sticks them on every 2 weeks! 

That's easy! I bought them today for  $5.40 and Katie put them on while we watched a tv show. They look amazing. I'm obsessed!

A blend of fear and jealousy mixed with a little doubt

I'm having a day where I am overwhelmed by God and keep thinking about the big picture of who he is. I read this verse below this morning:

And I don't really get it. How can you be saved and not have the Holy Spirit? Can that happen to people now? Does the Holy Spirit go in and out of people? What does it mean by they spoke in tongues and prophesied? Why?  Is that proof that the Holy Spirit lives in us? 

I'm unsettled and have lots of questions running through me ...obviously. 

AND I facebooked stalked skip tonight. There was a picture of him sitting in a chair getting a haircut from another guy with a caption that read " this is what we had to resort to Katie , since you are gone" 

It made me really jealous! By Facebook stalking her. I now know that she is skinny and pretty and travels like skip does and obviously in his circle.

I normally don't allow myself to go down this tunnel of doubt. But what if skip goes ahead and marries this girl? What do I do? Both in life and in my faith with God. That could happen! Easily!! I really don't know what my next steps would be. 

I guess that is part of faith. You can't see the end and know how you are going to get there when you are in faith. You just gotta trust! 

Charismatic fear

Do you ever have deep eye-opening thoughts during church worship? 

I definitely do, often. I think this is rooted in me not being musical:)

So today during worship at church, my mind wondered and I figured out my fear of the Holy Spirit.

I am afraid that if I become deeply in tune with the Holy Spirit, I may have to be apart of a Christian culture that I am really uncomfortable with--Healing, speaking in tongues, propheticy, crazy dancing lady in the back, being that overzealous person who awkwardly pray over people unexpectedly. That could be me, if I am intune to the Holy Spirit. God could call me to be this person that I think is weird and amuncomfortable to be around, and don't understand how God is and apart of this spiritualness.

Reading acts this past week, makes me realize I would be really uncomfortable with what was going on in the early church. Very strange things happened- healings--a lot of healings, standing on the corners and churches and preaching... Like those people who weird me out now on the street corners. God created earthquakes that opened up jails, and did all of these crazy things. 

-I don't think I would be willing to believe in God at the time of acts, it would be too mind-blowing for me to handle. But now, though I think after being able to read the full Bible gives me the ability to see God more than the people in the Bible did. And though I'm still at the point of scared, God is real, and does things, and asks of things more than i am really comfortable in doing. And I guess I need to step out and be willing to be obedient to The Lord and His spirit even at the risk of being one of the crazy, rediculous Christian that I am so fearful of  being. I need to be open to being that, for the sake of being close to The Lord. 

My place: pray'n

It's been awhile, but tonight I went to "my place" and prayed for real -out loud. In this time I said this to God over and over again, 

"Lord please make trusting the Holy Spirit not make my stomach feel funny, and that though I don't understand all that it means- that I would learn quickly how to listen, obey and follow 100% and that the Holy Spirit would be as active and dependant in me as my organs." 

--not a direct quote, don't actually remember the exact words and it was a little different each time. BUT...

I need my life to be different and I need to be close to and follow The Lord, and I need to be in a place where following the Holy Spirit doesn't make my stomach gurgle each time I think of it. I need to step it up and be more of a faithful follower of The Lord. 

Recovering from yesterday

So after the whole issue I had last night. I did go to bible study.--there really wasn't a question about that--but I really couldn't talk much because the girl I was really mad at was there, and I wasn't really ready to not be mad anymore. It's was okay content wise. Katie at the end talked about how she often avoids spemding time with The Lord--all the time and most of the group agreed with that, and I feel like I am entering a season of my life where I don't feel like that 100% of my life, but was really anger and left of no value last night. 

Leaving that and going home,I got a text in a few minutes. It was from the girl I was really mad at: it said this:

"Hey I wanted to apologize for today. The past couple days I've been freaking out about summer and oe and office stuff. And I should have handled some things today differently."

I was really mad, and I did not want to accept her apology at all because I felt like it excuses all bad behavior-but you HAVE TO accept apologies" so I spent a little time writing my response, this is what I put:

"I accept your apology, thank you for that.

 It really hurts me when you choose to do program work for _______when he has 3 other staff that support him in programs full-time. You are my only other teammate in all of the retreats that happen, and your time to work is limited in that because of registration and activities. 

I know and understand stress and having lots on your plate, and I try to really be understanding of that, it's really a hard place to be. 

Please forgive me for having moments where I am not as understanding as I should be. "

I felt good about this because I gave forgiveness, but made it very clear why I was hurt by her actions.-and I think the only reason I got this apology is because she overhead my conversation with my boss about how it's not working out and I need help. 

I really had a pity party of having no value and having to ask for help and being kinda told I should be able to handle more than I am-- and feeling I need to walk away and left someone who is better than me fill my shoes. This morning listening to Dave's podcast he said " You were placed in your job in your organization because you are the right person for your role, or at least you are the best person for that role right now. Some of you will say I was not prepared for this role, or I never wanted to be in a leadership role like this and yet there you are. You are the right person for right now. You influence in the best possible way with the limited knowledge and experience, tools and resources you have. You are that person for the organization and for yourself"

 there was more, but I'm not good at quoting. This podcast really impacted me. I am new, I have limited experience, I don't have it all figured out but I was put here in this job for a reason- both for me and for camp. 

Ps it's a great podcast! Listen at http://coachingforleaders.com/podcast/secret-happiness/

Okay, I'm going to read my bible for a while then meet up with a new friend from church. 

Thanks for walking with me through my emotions yesterday. I appreciate this outlet. 

Xoxo

-Becky 

Feel'n no value

So after my last post, I went back to work, and after a while my boss asked me what was wrong and that liars become pillars of dusk--just like lot (that's unbiblical) 

So I went into his office and laid it all out for him. And I think he thinks I'm being rediculous, and that I can handle everything that I need to do. And gave me 1 quick fix for the problem I am having. Well,now I feel like crap. I feel all the more unvalued and uncapible and feel like what's the point of me being here--really what is the point? I feel like I can never get along with people who work here. There are so many other capable people who could do my job and obviously better and more efficient than me. Why am I here? Why am I told to stay? I am really struggling with that. I feel really alone. I am scheduled to be at bible study right now-camp bible study--and it's the last place I want to be. I just want to cry. I want to be where I feel value and that I fit in and can do a good job of where I need to be. 

Plus side: 

Tonight's sunset

Value within the job

Today, a girl in my office who is suppose to help me, asked me make and update the big calendar because she didn't have enough time to get that done. Then proceeded to go into a meeting where they joked around for 40 minutes trying to decide what logo they want to use for a camp for summer. 

I am really bothered and upset with this. I have SO MUCH on my plate, and I know my job is of value and importance to the ministry of camp. But I feel like no one here's acknowledges that, or even recognizes how much I work and barely get what needs to be done, done. Staff members are always coming in and asking me to do things for them. This girl who is suppose to help me, doesn't even do the minimum I have put on her plate. 

I really feel undervalued and so insignificant to this place. I feel like if I up and left they would feel the hit of all that I do, but in reality, I am replaceable. Lots of people could do what I do. 

So now that we established I have an issue, I can't solve it by quitting my job. How do I move forward in making things go better to my boss without communicating that I think I'm the shit, which apparently, I think I am-- and how do I fix this  complex of mine? 

Journal of thoughts I wrote before this blogpost: 

Food expands

I'm about to enjoy this bowl of icecream. As I open the container the cover was budging, icecream was dripping down the side of the container. The entire contents of my bowl doesn't even make the amount of icecream that typically comes in a thing of icecream. 

Most of my life, I got mad or at least annoyed at containers not being filled to the top. Like it was a marketing scheme and they were trying to convince me that I was getting more than I actually was.

NOW I GET IT!

Some people live on top of mountains and need that extra space for expansion. 

I regret judging packaging all this time. There was a purpose I just couldn't see it. 

I feel like this is a start of many sermons/lessons I may use it in the future. Judging, trusting... Those I guess are the main lesson subjects I can think of :) 

Redid the bathroom

Old:

New:

Since I moved into my house a year 1/2 ago, I have wanted to redo the bathroom. I finally got to! This past week I have painted and  restyled a few things. I has made a HUGE difference in the feel of the room. I feel like these pictures truly do show the joy of the newness the bath room gives me! 

I have lots of thoughts going on up in my head. I will share more soon! Enjoy your night!