Explosion of emotion (aka so many tears, I couldn't see my phone screen writing this)

Today at 11:00am I learned that I got kicked off the camp applicant tv show. And I felt really good about it until 15 minutes ago. Now, it sunk in the life I am continuing to live and the life there I will miss out on. 

I was really excited to live in a real house. With one roommate, who hopefully wouldn't be awful. I would be able to fully use a fridge, I could run to the store and back in less than 10 minutes. I would be around normal single ppl. I wouldn't have to listen to annoying 21-year-olds who are irritating optimistic plan there wedding and how great and hard and wonderful this journey is. I wouldn't live on a mountain, but instead be on flat ground around lakes! 

I'm not okay. I don't like my life right now. I don't want to be apart of this. I feel so alone on this mountain. I don't have anyone on team Becky here. It's hard, really hard! 

I don't relate to ppl, people aren't sensitive to me. They say really mean hard things all the time. I feel like I am looked down at for being single. And a mix of things with that. I have no value because I'm alone, I don't understand/go through hard times because marriage is really hard. And all this other stuff. I am either alone or the third wheel. Never anything else. 

I'm really not okay right now. And I don't know how to make it better, at all. Life is so damn hard. I can't even let myself truly cry about it right now because my awful roommates will hear me. 

Can jobs retract their rejections. Can they ?? I just want life to be easier. I asked God to make it clear if I need to stay or go. And not getting this job made it clear. But it hasn't even been 12 hours and all I want to do is run away from this place and not look back. Sprint run! Leave all my stuff and just go!! 

I am in a Beth Moore bible study tomorrow and I don't want to go. I have to go by myself, everyone in my group is married, living the good life and it's just another place where I feel alone and different. 

I need help. I need change. What can I do to get out of this rut.

1 year anniversary!!!

I was just reviewing my blog and realized yesterday is my 1 year anniversary of blogging!! Wow, it's crazy to think what a journey I have been through this past year. I am pretty sure not as much would seem significant if it weren't the document side of blogging! 

Well I've been debating if I should make mug cake tonight, I guess I have no other choice but to now in honor of celebrating one year of sharing my thoughts and feelings to the whole wide world (or the 7 people who have read a post here or there... my life isn't "whole world" read-worthy) 

Anyway it feels great knowing that this journey has helped me and glad that I did  it! 

Love you! 

-Becky ;)

The Bachelor and applying for jobs are the same thing!

The bachelor helps me understand the world better in so many ways. And I think I can parallel anything I am going through to the show.. Someone apologized to me the other day, I felt like crap afterwards, two days later the same thing happened to a girl on the show and I got it, the apology was there only to manipulate your feelings...but I couldn't see that until I happened to someone else.  

Well I really see applying for a job to being a contestant on the bachelor. I was told upfront about the process of getting the job I applied for 2 weeks ago. 

1. Send in resume

2. Fill out questionnaire 

3. Phone interview with director 

4. Skype interview with search committee

5. Interview your references

6. Invite to camp for tour and in-person interview

7. Get job

People are getting eliminated in this process, when I was at step 3, there were 5 applicants, at step 4 there was three, And they are cutting it down to two for the on site interview (or should I say hometown visit) then in the end there is a winner. 

And sometimes when you watch the bachelor you think, "these girls are all fighting over a jackass, the real winner is the one who gets to walk away without a gem on her left index finger" and that can be the same with a job specifically me with this one.

 Though my current job isn't the greatest, there is a chance that it is WAY better than the one I am "fighting" over with these now 3 other contestants. I am trying my hardest to not get caught up in the game of getting a new job, but instead, faithfully following The Lord in this. 

I understand a little better though how the girls on the bachelor become so crazy. The fear of the unknown and unsure of when you are getting cut, plays with your mind and gut a lot more that you think it could. 

Bad company corrupts good character

I live with this girl, she is a negative Nancy. We have lived together for 1.5 years now, but I haven't spent a lot of time with her because I didn't want to be corrupted. 

Today, I had an interview. Afterwards I had a really good long conversation with Jack. It was really positive. He listened to my interview. We debriefed it, and we talked a log about God's will and what needs to be done. It was really good. And though it was not all smiles and giggles. I walked away feeling encouraged. 

I went home. And I had a conversation with Nancy. Nancy just put in her 1 month notice. And in that, has been VERY VERY open about all she hates about our camp. Earlier today, I was thinking that it didn't actually bother me and she is just transitioning out poorly. 

But after our hour conversation, and hearing a lot of negative things about this place and my boss. I learned it does indeed bother me. I need to be careful with my words. She doesn't know about my journey that I am on with finding a new job and I know now I need to keep it that way or that influence will bring me down. 

What is crazy to me though, Nancy and jacks conversations were very similar in content to each other, but the heart, feeling and attitude behind it, dramatically different!!  

I see it to be really true... Bad company corrupts good character, I feel that even in these small doses. 

Liking that potential option

This morning I had an interview. It was really really good. I really like the guy I talked to, my potential boss. Right now there aren't really any red flags. I would live in a house, with just one roommate. A grocery store is only 5 minutes away. It's a growing camp, new buildings are going up. They care about their staff. Fixing and improving housing. They are a smaller camp, but they consistently busy for at least half a year. I really liked my interview. I think this place could be a really good fit for me. But, I just don't know. I don't know if I'm ready to go. 

Even though it's hard, I really like this journey. It's steps of faith. I wish that I could talk to my executive director about it. We are really good friends and I wish that we can talk this at without me quitting my job getting in the way. 

Oh man, I'm glad that I have The Lord in my life. If I didn't I would be a basket case right now. 

Mysterious theme verse of the week

Last Wednesday was a really big day, I think this is like my 5th post referring to it! 

In the morning, I went to staff meeting. Was told by the ugly email writer that we are talking about our favorite bible verses in devos, then addressed the ugly email writer about his ugly emails (he talked a lot, and was very apologetic) then went to devos. 

So in this timeline, questions about verses were frequent and each time that was mentioned psalm 12 came to mind. I don't think I have ever read this psalm before. It for sure is not dear to my heart. But ever since Wednesday, I have needed to hear it. It has been pressed into my heart. 

Honestly, I don't really get it. Part of me want to refer it to the ugly email writer. I think he lies and he has flattery lips. I think his long apology was that, though I do not know. 

I love how it says the words of The Lord are flawless. I love how it asks us to protect us from those flattery lips ppl. But in the end, I feel confused by 1.) what the purpose of the psalm is and 2.) why has this become my go-to theme verse. 

And it's not one of those theme verses where you go to because I like it. But because the Holy Spirit is prompting me to over and over again. 

Oh the mysteries of God!  

Rocky coast

So I applied for a job last Wednesday. That is what I intitially called my friend to tell her, before my life exploded with change with God.

I sent in my résumé. And I got back an automatic message that said,  "I'm out of town for 5 days, I will respond to you then" So after everything Wednesday night I had it in my head that I can figure this out in a week. Thursday morning comes, and after telling my friend I need to figure out who I am now in Christ, and I will just stay at my current job while I figure it out, knowing that I have a few more days until I will hear anything at all from this other job. 

After getting home, I shower and as I'm getting ready for the day. I get an email from the job I applied for. Them saying that they want to move forward and  asked that I answer 6 questions for the search committee. 

So at this point. I started praying, for the position at this camp and that if I was suppose to be there that would be very clear. There is no harm filling out the questionnaire, in fact, those things are good for me. It makes me reflect and evaluate. So I filled it out and sent it in. A little nervous about it. Katie was with my boss's wife the whole time, so I didn't even have someone to proofread it. (Because I'm not telling my boss this yet) 

today, I was told I'm moving forward in the process and now have a phone interview scheduled for Friday. I am up against 5 other ppl. The top 2-3 are brought into the camp for a full intense day of tours/interviews/meals with staff. This has moved really fast. 

Part of me really doesn't want this job. Even though this isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I would have a really really hard time leaving here. 

The executive director and I have a really good working relationship. I love working for him. If there wasn't all this other stuff, I would want to be here forever. But alas, there's the other stuff. 

I think i need to talk to him. I think he doesn't understand the place I am in. I was told that his biggest fear is me leaving here. I also know he does not handle good-byes well at all. So as much as I want to tell him everything I really really need to be careful. 

Back in that boat

So it's been quite the night. 

I figured out why I am the way I am (screwed up and distant from God)

It is because he told me something crazy, and I gave up on believing that He actually could or would do this crazy thing. Or that I even wanted it to come true. 

Any guesses of what I am talking about? If you asked me yesterday, "what in your faith is keeping you from coming closer to God" I never would come up with the right answer. 

Today, I know, it's this I let go of  believing that God told me who I was going to marry, and I moved on! I still think it is crazy that God told me this. I feel like a crazy person by having this knowledge and walking about in faith in that seems over-the-top. It's been a long while since I heard God in this. I started to doubt it right as Ham entered my life, that made it easy.I had this incredible guy in front of me, who had amazing faith in God. I see now, that I let his faith "cover" over my disobedience to God. 

When we ended, I felt numb. I was thinking it was because this incredible guy was no longer in my life. And though I am sure that had a part in it. I think mostly, it was that I gave up on the crazy part of my faith, and without this crazy faith, the rest become useless. 

In thinking about this tonight. The story of the rich young man[mark 10:17-30] came to mind (divinely).

 the young man couldn't give away all that he had. Giving everything away that you own is crazy!! He can follow the commands, he can have the heart to know more/be close. But he couldn't do the crazy. He was sad he couldn't do. 

I wonder when that rich man  left Jesus if he stayed the same? did he Continued to follow the laws, continue to almost be in the right. Or did throw in the towel and call it quits? 

I think when God spoke I was obedient, at least close enough to The Lord where I could follow. But being crazy wore on me, and I gave up. But not wanting to be a quitter I deceived myself. Enough so, that I couldn't even identify in what....yesterday. 

So as much as I hate being the crazy person. I'm glad I'm back in this boat. Because without this faith, everything  that I have in God is meaningless. 

Which makes me think "how did I survive these past months?"

The wall

I got comfortable. I became secure. I became able to do it on my own. I didn't want help, I didn't need help. I can do it myself. I felt a need to prove myself. So I did it myself.  I saw myself doing better than those around me.

This brought me to where i am stuck today. A place that though I kinda knew, never saw how deep I was on my own. I am right now numb to God. Right now my eyes where open to the deepnessof my  sin. the deception i myself in my own doing lead me down. 

My friend called me out on it. We were talking, maybe 10 minutes into the conversation she said "can  I make an observation? You talk differently than you used to. Normally, when you make decisions you talk about God's will,you haven't talked about it. I've noticed this the passed few times we talked" after some processing. She told me to think about what changed... Why am I talking differently. 

Well the above reasons are why. I can see that clearly after thinking for just a little while. The real question is. How do I conquer the thick walls I built. And know and converse with the Holy Spirit again, the way I did before. The way I did when I knew God closely. 

That's what I dreaming of. To have again a real and close relationship with God, and know and listen and believe in the Holy Spirit working in my life. 

Slope of death

I'm on a really really slippery slope, but didnt  see it as that, I've closed my eyes to it. Though I've been praying and though I've been reading the bible, im not  open or allowing myself to be close to The Lord. I have become a poser, instead of a follower. 

Does God love me? Yes. Yes he does. But am I walking with him right now? No, no I'm not. 

Prayer and Bible reading

Being a Christian is simple and complex all mixed in one. It's simple, love God, follow him, and love people. But to do that it seems like it suddenly gets complex. There's a list of things you need to do, list of things you can't do. And in that mix you can't become legalistic, overly charismatic, and your heart needs to be in the right place. 

In this simple/complex mess. I think I have developed my own complex with the Bible. I'm afraid to face it on my own. There are so many pastors, experts, wise people who can read the bible and get all of this great wisdom and insight out of it. And teach that knowledge in a very practical, life impacting way.

 I open up the book and read some words and often feel confused, wondering how long I have to read this, to still be a "good Christian" but not being "legalistic" in my faith. I don't always walk away confused, sometimes I get God in the reading his word. I see and remember his faithfulness. And that is good. 

But often, I doubt myself, I feel like I can't think on my own. Pastors see and help us get us on a right path of thinking that I feel I can't do on my own. So I don't even try. I just influence my life with podcasts and preachers that seem wise and good and replace them with personal Bible reading and prayer. 

No one recommends doing that. You always hear "be in the word" "spend time in the bible" "be a daily reader" "spend time in prayer"  never "simply listen to ppl, who read the bible and let their opinion of it change your life."

So, I have gone from kinda/sorta being a Bible reading/praying Christian to someone who doesn't have that in my life at all, but still wanting my actions and thoughts be glorifying to God.  

It's crazy how you get in this place. And I have been really struggling with this spot. 

On Sunday, I went out hiking and I decided enough is enough. And that I'm am becoming drown in my sin of disobedience and pride and that I needed to give up my okayness of being distant with God.

I decided that I want to focus 1 hour a day on prayer and reading the Bible this week. Which is hard. Really hard! It's now Thursday , and I don't think I have been 100% successful yet. But I want to personally be close to The Lord and though this is stretching me, it's good for me. I am learning in the process. 

My life hasn't radically changed, but I know it will if I continue to be vulnerable and willing to have God my focus.

Next thought: 

My feelings were really hurt yesterday. Today I learned that the person who hurt them feels bad in what they did and is going to come to me and apologize. My feelings were REALLY hurt, and honestly, I'm not ready to forgive. Because my act of forgiving excuses it, and they can come around and do the same thing to me next week. By definition of forgiving that isn't true. And I become a jerk if I don't accept the apology, so I have no choice. But it's hard. Really hard. 

Well I've committed to an hour, and haven't started yet, better get going and on it! Night y'all.  

Ugly emails

I have a really hard time taking two days off in a row at my job. It happened that was how my week was this week. So I was going to simply go in and work a half day today so that Friday didn't feel overwhelming by how much I became behind in my 2 day gap. I walk in and load my emails and I see 3 mean, dictating emails from a manager. Him being a jack-ass and telling me I need to move all of our guests mealtimes and that and that I'm doing all this crap wrong. I'm sorry, whose in charge of setting all of that up??  Oh yeah, it's me. And he didn't know or ask for the full details. He just was ugly about it. Selfish about it. 

I just took an intermission in writing this post to FB a guy who worked at a camp that has an opening. I haven't sent it yet. That doing that makes the reality of leaving here all the more possible. 

This is hard. I have a good boss here, a really good boss but there are so many things like this that suck and suck the life out of me. Do I need to or should I stay in this environment? 

Also, the guy that is auditioning to be my boss did well in handling a situation. So I think he might be going forward not backwards now in moving up. That really sucks. Maybe I should push send on that message!

First fight

My boss got really really mad at me today. It was the first time he has ever verbally told me that he was mad at me. First time we have had conflict. 

He was asking me if I would ever date a black guy, cause he knows a guy that would be good for me, but he's in Virginia. I responded "that's no problem, I can move to Virginia" well that was the first of a very ugly 10 minutes. He told me that he saw that that I have been looking at other jobs. He told me that he doesn't want me to leave. And he was HURT by my openness and willingness to go. I asked about the guy applying to be my boss. He told me he was really stupid in doing that, but doesn't know what he is going to do about him. I didn't say it directly tonight, but I implied that I will look for jobs if he is going to be my boss.  

Being an adult is hard. My boss has told me that I do a great job and doesn't want me to leave. We have a great working relationship. But as good as that is. I can't continue to do what I do in these current conditions. It's too much stress to not trust this almost key player in my job who doesn't know what he is doing and I think is going to intentionally hurt me a few months down the road. 

I just want to run away from that pain.. 

Stuck

I'm having one of those days where I really need to cry. I'm internally having a pity party, but this pity party doesn't make sense even to me. So it's stuck inside of me. Doing everything I can to stuff it so even I can't see it. And in the process of stuffing, I don't even know what "it" is. It sucks. 

A guy who I don't trust at all was given the opportunity to be in training for a office manager job at work. This has been really really hard for me. He is wanting to be my boss, has no idea what he is doing, so I have to train him. And I don't trust him at all. 

This has really really screwed me up. I am  SO stress by it. I don't feel like I know how to have him help me. He eats up so much of my treasure working time, and gives me this anxiety that has been eating away at me. 

One of my dear friends told me that I need to pray about it, and to ask God to change my heart, because he(my co-worker) isn't going to change. 

I don't think I can do that. I don't think I am willing to change how I feel. I don't want to give him things that I need to trust him, because he has burned me in the past.   I just want him out of my life. I realize my feelings are wrong. But they are so true. 

I've been looking at other jobs, and though there are some goods ones, I don't feel right or ready to apply for them.   Even though I'm all messed up, I don't think my time is up for where I am right now. That, or I'm too scared to move.. 

I need to work on my prayer life. Frankly I'm scared if prayer these days. I don't understand it necessary, I'm not open to being that open with God right now. I don't think I'm good enough to be one of those ppl who are really close to The Lord. 

I just feel stuck..., 

Okay, I just finished writing this and the last sentence I wrote struck me deep. I just finished a bible study that was called stuck by Jennie Allen. So I pulled it out, looked at the table of contents residing which chapter describes my stuck moment the best. 

I went with scared...

It was the right choice. I just looked through the chapter trying to find the life changing quite to add next to my line of photos. I didn't find one, nor should I think like that. But in looking over the chapter, I see I have two choices. To dwell on being scared and let it get out of control. Or be in faith and surrender it to The Lord. 

The obvious answer of course is number 2. But that seems too hard... Is it really that harmful to be stuffing this pain deep inside? Will it really spin out of control? Is there a 3rd option that is easy and brings emotional stableness? 

This last picture is what I saw hanging up on the chapel wall as I walked by after dinner tonight. It hit me hard. I had to go back and take a pic of it. Having my faith be bigger than my fears is huge! I wish that my fears didn't trump my faith right now. 

Home bound

Things got better during my time at the rents! I am so thankful! I was able to see my favorite cousin. Go to the camp that I used to work at and reconnect with many dear friends and see the amazing improvements they have done to the place (it looks AMAZING!) 

This trip back to camp was good for me. They are a second family (i have many second families) and it was good to reconnect and see how much has changed since I was last there in my life. Some good, some not so good. But that is part of the process. I see that  I am putting my relationship with The Lord on the shelf.-- I can see it, it's on display, I can talk about it, and even think about it. But it's not active. It's not in the everyday part of my life. Sure it comes down a day here and there.  But I think it needs to be more like my jeans( or sweatpants) lived in, never making it to the shelf because its silly to put them away, because they are so apart of my life. 

This time away has made me miss ham a lot. The main thing I miss about him is how he made me think and view the world. He transformed my relationship with The Lord. He opened my eyes and help me see God way honestly.  I think I need him, or a new him like that in my life. ---suppose I need to get God off the shelf and surrender this with many other things to him. 

---

I think as I was home longer, I made it clear that I was not okay with my dad treating me like dirt, and talking to me in really negative ways. I would walk away from conversations (only like twice, I'm not super brave) and tried to twist those negative conversations to something not trashing people. And it improved the situation greatly! That's really good!

-----

Right before my boss left for vacation at the beginning of December, he told me some things that I didn't quite understand until a good 5 days later. 

A guy I work with is trying to become my direct boss, in my department, and it is my role to train him on how the office works. That is fine expect that he SUCKS!! REALLY SUCKS!! He is on my list of 3 people who need to leave stat. I am mainly struggling with my current boss on this. I trust him, and I this in a way, breaks my trust in him.

 I don't understand what he is doing at all. This makes me distrust him, and I don't want that. This move doesn't make sense to me at all, I feel like he has the same or more issues with this guy than me. I have been looking for other jobs. If this decision is made to indeed have him be my boss, I really don't think I have any other choice but to leave. 

This is hard. I feel that until this move, things have been getting better and better, now this, dang, this sucks. It has been wreaking my insides for almost a month. And I don't think people can really understand my hurt in this. It's like a personal jab, that you only get. I kinda see this in movies, mean girls does this high school style, they compliment your shirt, but both people know they just jab you BIG TIME-- where outsiders think "what a nice compliment" and how do you explain their insult when it came in compliment words? It's kinda like that... 

Ps don't drink coffee on the morning that you fly, makes you pee way too much! 

Airport view!!!(from pick-up area) 

All those sappy Christmas song ain't how I'm feeling this season

I have been very much reminded this past week that I do not want to be like my family. Very specifically, my dad.  I am having a REALLY hard time being here. And it's because I am surrounded by values and mindsets that I don't agree with nor want to be like. 

As you are at my parents physical house you can see it two ways. 

Way #1: a beautiful country house sat off the road with 2 residences and large workshop. The main house is filled with festive north woods items, and has a view of a lake from main level of the house. 

Way#2: out in the middle of nowhere, you will pull into a driveway with crap in the yard. Like a junkyard. There's a large shop surrounded by boat/truck pieces. In the house down the way. You will find some areas of nice laid out furniture and spaces, but also feel like you are in an episode of hoarders. Tiny TVs, that don't  all quite work right in the house, but thankfully have dish connected. You have to ask where everything came from because everything has a story attached. 

The reality of the second way of describing this house is sinking in. But when I'm away, and the longer i am away I remember it more like situation 1. 

I also do this when remembering what it is like being with my dad. I consistently remember him as being rough around the edges, and stuck in his ways. But i forget how those quirks effects me in strong ways. 

I really do not want my life to end up my my parents. You can twist their life to make it sound good. But in reality it is nothing that what I want it to be. Nor do I want the same values, bull headedness and viewpoint that he lives out. 

My dad is an "expert" in everything. And has a story for everything. And in listening to his expertize and stories, closely this week, i am reminded and see his core values come out.

--He is all about bullying, in his stories, the bullies are turned to be a good guy, a real "mans man" but they get whatever the hell the want by bullying. And not only  does he admire bullies, he bullies alot himself, and is dang proud of it. 

--He must have control of all situations and he is the expert. I have learned that you NEVER argue with the crap he says. You can't win, he is a bully, and has learned how to shut you down into an empty pit. Even if you have great logic or proof, he isn't open to hear, his need for control and bully tendencies makes it impossible.

-- as most bullies, once you pull away the tough shell, you have a really insecure guy. If anyone fights with him and they have the upper hand, or offend him in some way. They are blacklisted! Their name is now rubbed in the dirt. There can be no forgiveness. You are just done. It's sad.  And I think this makes it so my relationship with my parents is so fake. 

--I have kinda said this already, but my dad has this thing for menly men. And I typically see these men that he admires as so as huge jackasses! And, not only do these jackasses get gloried, normal nice men get torn to pieces. And [gasp] men who are from a real city, have no hope. They are forever the inferior being. If you work in business, make big bucks and support and spend time with your friends/family, but call a plumber to do a home repair--- you are a pansy of male race. Doesn't matter what you face and deal with in life. They are forever a pansy in my dads eyes. I think that is incredibly unfair. 

I knew coming into this time at my parents would eventually be hard. All Christmas memories of my adult life with them have tears and frustration and being miserable memories tied into them.  But this time, I have more of a clear head, and good stable adults that support me and love me that are daily in my life. And I am seeing that I carry more issues than I realize into the real world with me. That being raised in the house that I have paralyzed me in some areas of my life. 

I see this at work a lot. I need to have an opinion at work, and go with it. I rarely got to think for myself growing up. I got to make my own decisions. But before I made them-the big ones, I felt I needed my dads approval. He would help me out if I needed it in my battles (and always win, b/c I see now, he is a bully) I am now afraid to make any move without approval. There are other things as well. And I don't want to play the blame game here. That's not fair. But I think I need to keep looking and figuring out my issues and change them. Because in no way do I want to stop at any point in my life, look back and say"my life now looks like my upbringing"

so I have never wanted a guy I'm interested to ask my dad for my hand in marriage. The reason being is that I truly do not want him to approve of him, and that he is nothing like him. I DO NOT WANT to marry a jackass. And if that is what my parents look for as a good quality, I want them to disapprove big time. 

This in a way seem mean of me to publish, but I think it will be a start of my healing. So world, here you go... My first published personal issue discovery! 

Let the recovery began! 

Fly away...

Here I am sitting on an airplane about to return to the homeland of Minnesota for the first time since I left a year and 3 months ago. 

I am excited to see my mom. I'm excited to be part of the life that used to be mine. I always romanticize home in my head when I have been away for a long time. I don't really know how to process the thought" it's not going to be as good as I want" but I really think it will be good. I am preparing myself by reading "the single women" by Mandy hale. One of the hardest parts of home is always being reminded that its just me. So son-in-law for my parents, no grand kids. Just me. I am thankful that has gotten easier, but it's not that easy. I am realizing that it's not just me and a handful of friends who are in this life stage. But that there is a whole world filled with us. Upper-twenties, focused,career driven, feel like an outcast because we are missing a shiny piece of metal wrapped around our forth finger on our left hand. 

I am really thankful for Katie and Jack this Christmas season. I think they are Gods gift to me for this season of my life. I am able to be real with them. I am able to have companionship, a safety net. They always welcome me down the hill with them. Making it so I don't have to go to church, stores, restaurants  alone. I hate being alone. 

Well here are my thoughts for the day. Pray that this trip will be good!

Thanksgiving fun and bonus story

So today I read "stuff Christians like-Christmas singles edition today" I read these, but not one to comment on it. I not only wrote my own story but commented on 3 others posts. Then I found a link to this AMAZING blog, singlechristiangirls.wordpress.com which is an incredible blog, way better than mine, you should actually read hers. 

Anyway, reading all of these single girls stories made me realize I haven't shared all of mine and that ready just what I have wrote recently, you don't get the correct picture at all. So sit back and relax here my late November stories. 

So a week prior to thanksgiving, a guy friend(coworker) of mine asked if I was going anywhere for thanksgiving, I wasn't. And he invited me to go with him to one of the families that had adopted him in SD. So the tues before, he tells me that none of the people he normally does thanksgiving with invited him(us) but that we can go to downtown San Diego and do our own thing, just us. 

Now, this is the guy that EVERYONE that knows both of us, is trying to set us up. Whenever we walk anywhere together, speak to each, are in the same room, you know that people are noting that and talking about it, updating their bets on when we are going to get married. 

To me, this is a nice guy I know, that I like to spend time with because he reminds me that you can be in your upper-20s single, and NORMAL! (As you all know, I don't see much of that in my neck of the woods.

So, thanksgiving is going to be a date. Okay, that's fun, I'm nervous.

my friends Katie and jack are the hub of my social life. I pretty much hang out with them every night at their house. They were out of town, and I'm cat sitting for them. I head over to there house Wednesday night to take care of their cats, and Alberto is on the couch at their house watching Greys anatomy. So, this guy that I think I have a date with the next day with, and never hang out just us, are in our friends house together, alone. I am completely uncomfortable, I don't really know how to act around this guy. So I sit on the couch and talk Greys with him. After an episode or two, we pause the show, and talk for like an hour about his life-upbringing, theories of things, how he sees God, etc.. It was good, real, but later I kept thinking" what will be talk about tomorrow?"

 so, if you knew me 3 years ago, I was the girl who always was trying to figure out how to snuggle up with any kinda-cute guy on the couch when the tv was on, didn't have to like him, I just wanted to snuggle.. and was good at getting my way! Though my heart is still the same, I stayed on the opposite end of the couch (it's a huge sectional) and didn't push that on him at all, be proud. I sure am! 

Thanksgiving Day: 

Incredible! It was bachelor date quality! Super fun, adventurous, a little awkward cause we don't date each other, and never done anything like this, and overall I'm just terrible at being comfortable on dates.  

Thanksgiving is def the day to go downtown because everything is quiet, empty but everyone you encounter is happy because its a holiday, and you don't hang out down town normally on this day. 

We park on the empty streets and walk around. Seeing what/where we want to go. I love walking and talking. I wish you could list that as your favorite hobby, because it's so easy and fun! We end up at this bar/ restaurant, we eat, talk watch football. 

We finish, I really wanted to see the boats. We walk and see them. I REALLY love boats and was kinda over the top excited, and he let me look at all of them. 

There is some famous aircraft carrier that was turned into a museum that I guess everyone knows about and it's really a patriotic symbol, I have no idea what it was and mocked it. Alberto really loved making fun of me for my insensitivity and lack of knowledge on American history.

We returned back to downtown, went to a bar, he had a drink, and watched the football game. How our table was, I sat close to him on his side. It was pretty darn perfect because it let us comfortably talk to each other without a whole table between us or being shoulder to shoulder.---- By now conversation is more natural for us, we are laughing more, we leave small talk, and start to be more real. He tells me what he is passionate about. I get to see the depth of his heart, how he sees the best in ppl, and how he intentional works with them. I see wisdom that I didn't know was there. 

It is dusk, and it is time to go! We get in the truck and drive across this huge bridge to another part of SD, he timed this out perfectly!! The sunset/city lights were epic! One of the prettiest things I have seen in my life (just like bachelorettes get in the tv show) we went to his favorite beach just as it gets dark, the waves were perfect they had this great roar to them as they came in. I had never been to the beach at night. There was a sand castle professionally made in the sand. I was in awe. Alberto showed me where things were.---- Even now,I can close my eyes and see everything just as it was--

Alberto LOVES sushi, so he then took me to this awesome hole-in-the-wall sushi place where he greets the owners with hugs because he goes there so often, and orders us sushi, tons of different kinds, he told me that I had to eat it with my hands and that I can't use my fork, it was great. This place didn't have football on, he was beside himself, which let me make fun of him. We went back home. Just talked. 

So we didn't hold hands,or kiss, or anything, which I am good with. 

We are with each other often, and I don't think I could ever seriously date him if I wasn't confident that we would end in marriage by how much our lives intercept. I'm glad we had this date, but really thankful it was just a date, not the set beginning of this serious relationship. 

So this whole thanksgiving thing happened, then my previous post on my work evaluation happened. Then it was Tuesday night after thanksgiving.

 I was still a mess, an even bigger mess than before. I went over to Katie's and jacks to take care of the cats, and to cry and call one of my friends to help me figure out what is wrong with me. Well Alberto is there again...Watching chuck, I haven't talked really for a full day now, I sit on the couch, he watches chuck, I start texting my best friend who really is good at helping you see what is ACTUALLY bugging you. So I am texting away, and with 5 minutes left of chuck I figure out what my issue is. (Thank goodness for friends who know how to make you process) so the episode ends, I look up at Alberto, and say, "I haven't been okay since yesterday afternoon, and I now know what has been bothering me so much!" And I was able to tell him that I have issues in telling people what to do when they don't want to do it.

 He really helped me processed that, and we had this incredible conversation, after me not talking for 2 days(we were together for most of that time) 

Anyway, he went out with some other girl last weekend. I am good with that. It takes pressure off of us for me if he is dating someone else.

 Thanks for reading my LONG story, it's so good for me to process and share these things going on in my life! 

Below: pic from thanksgiving from our boat walk, the only picture I took the entire day. 

Easier route needed?

I am so scared of life. Today I had my annual review at work. I got promoted, you would think I would be celebrating, but instead, I am really scared. It doesn't make sense. I am doing exactly the same thing as before. But I can't handle it. I messed up today. I feel intense pressure to all of a sudden be absolutely incredible. I feel sick and have felt this way for days. I don't think I will do a good job. I don't think I have it in me to stand up and do what needs to be down. 

Part of me wishes right now I took the easy road. Stayed near my parents, all my family and work a simply job where there was no pressure where, I have no authority, I simply do what I am told.

 I have lots of tension, I can physically feel it in my body. My face, calves, and feet ache by holding in all this tension. I lost my appetite, food has tasted sour to be for a few days now. I think the stress of my job, my anger towards ppl in my professional life and the fact that I went on a date with a guy I work with on thanksgiving and don't know how I feel about it or him is really wearing on my body. I'm a mess. I'm often a mess. How did I end up here. My boss told me today, that I need to really be in-tune with the Holy Spirit to do well with my job. That a lot of what I do is dependent on Him and rely on his workings.

 I think I might be depressed. Like true depressed. I don't understand any of my feelings. Does anyone else struggle in this? How does one become a real adult? Why am i all alone in this? 

I really want a hug right now, a tight one that doesn't let go and let's all the tears I have been holding in, come out and soak their shirt. And in the midst of that,hug me tighter. And be there for me as I am this crazy messed-up person. 

PO'ed hard core!!

I am SO MAD!!!!! I'm mad at how people treat me, I'm mad how I am a push over. and that i wont be supported in the decision i had to make and this bitch will get she wants!! 

I'm mad at my boss for booking a 1night retreat in aprilwhen he clearly knows  and personally made the rule that we dont book 1 nighters unless its one month away. I'm mad that he is never here, and That im left on my own to all these hard decisions. 

I'm mad that ppl who suck still work here. 

I want to put my hands up in my air, yell and scream, walk out and walk into a life that is good to me and always fun. I am sick of this stress. I'm sick of failing. I'm sick of this feeling of not even knowing what to do in situations. I'm scared of life. Straight up terrified. I'm sick of facing this life alone, not even able to open up about this fear I have because it's so intense. It's not the big stuff I fear: death, tornados, cancer. Because ppl come aside you and help you with the big stuff. It's the little things that scare me: flat tires, understanding insurance, breaking an arm. These things I don't know how to deal with and really really scare me! 

I think if I didn't fear life, I could deal with my anger better right now! I AM SO MAD!! I want to be done with it, but not. I don't know how to drop it, deal with it.. I feel so taken advantage of, under qualified, 

I feel like I need to end on a positive note.  Like " just keep swimming" or scripture passage, or a cs Lewis quote. But lets just face it. They make us all the more mad in our pitty parties. I don't need to be thrown under the bus even more when I'm mad with something to sooth it over!! 

Okay seriously, the girl who sucks just let the third phone line ring til voicemail while the other 2 of us were on the other lines. She serverly sucks!!! "Go do your damn job girl or even better, get the hell out of here" that's what I want to scream at the top of my lungs right now! So dang badly!! 

I bet you all are wishing you got to share an office with me today😉